Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

John Kerry said of the botched Iran nuclear talks, "we've opened up the opportunity to negotiate". Yes, and I'm sure Pandora bragged to her friends about "finally getting that box open".

In health news, the White House has "declared war" on three antibiotic-resistant diseases. From now on, antibiotics will only be allowed to assist your immune system in an advisory capacity.

John Kerry said that "Iran has proven that it will join into an agreement and then live by the agreement". It's true. Look how they're still abiding by that "death to America" promise they made.

Scientists say they're now several steps closer to being able to resurrect extinct species. Might want to start with the Founding Fathers, before it's too late.

-- Fred Thompson

 

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I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl... they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.

 

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Twins-Separated at Birth ??

 

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Guilt ?

A man called his mother in Florida.

"Mom, how are you"?

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak"?

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days"?

The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

 

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When Love Fades

Last night I was sitting on
the sofa watching TV. When I heard my
wife's voice from the kitchen
ask...
"What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef or
Lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, dear, I think I'll have chicken."
She replied ,
"You're having soup. I was talking to the cat!"
Kinda makes you tear up a bit, doesn't

 

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It's the first of the month:
Here are some excuses tenants gave their landlords for not paying rent.

* "I have to make payments on my BMW and iPhone."
* "You are too wrapped up in the whole concept of money."
* "So....you're talking to me only because the rent's not paid? Is that all I am to you? A tenant?"

 

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I prescribed an inhaler for a patient's cat allergy. He came back a week later saying he was none the better. Turns out, he was spraying the inhaler on the cat.

 

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The day after I had surgery on my leg, a nurse came into my hospital room with a box in her hand. "Are you ready for this?"

"What is it?" I asked.

"Fleet enema. Didn't your doctor tell you about it?"

"No."

She rechecked the orders, "Whoa!" she bellowed. "That didn't say Fleet enema. It said feet elevated!"

 

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An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.

The terrorist leader said, "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."

The Englishman replied, "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."

The Canadian replied, "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."

The American replied, "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."

 

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Can I Do Nothing

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

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Diaper change...
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby...!"

 

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Monday needs a laugh

 

[oldngray]

 

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A new report shows that under Obamacare, the percentage of taxes going towards federal healthcare expenses has jumped 22%. That's terrific! See how much easier Obamacare makes it to track wasteful government spending?

During a stop in Iowa, Hillary Clinton's campaign van was photographed parked in a handicap spot. Not the best way to dodge that "age" issue, Hil.

At a White House presser, Josh Earnest said that trying to "get Iran to renounce terrorism is unrealistic". Having them keep up their end of a nuclear treaty is a slam dunk, though.

A new study shows that President Obama's new coal-plant-killing EPA rules could destroy up to 300,000 jobs. So, only marginally worse than the programs he passes to save jobs.

At a Congressional hearing, two top military officials described North Korea as "increasingly dangerous and unpredictable". So... perfect candidates for a John Kerry treaty-negotiation, then?

In his weekly address, President Obama warned that global warming "poses immediate risks to our national security". Yes, all those terrorists sneaking into the country to perform climate studies.

President Obama said the current nuclear deal with Iran is a "political agreement", not a "formal treaty". I thought the technical term was "sucker bet".

~Fred Thompson~

 

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Texas Attitude...

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin.

As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to jump (fixin' in Texas means: has the means or abilities to take action).


She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump! Think of your dear mother and father."


He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."


She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."


He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo."


He replied, "What's the Alamo?"


She replied, "Well, bless your heart!!
You just go ahead and jump you little Yankee, Obama lovin' Democrat bastard! You're holding up traffic!!"

 

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Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School
class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.

She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane.

She asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.

Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,

"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who's the fourth
person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"

 

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The Same Way

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

'I got a cook book once', said the first, 'but I could never do anything with it.'

'Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?' asked the second.

You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'

 

[moreluck]

After a church service on Sunday
morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've
decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us,
but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have
to go to church on Sunday anyway,
And I figure it will be more fun to
stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."