Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

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Just Remember This


An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.


"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember this: if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

 

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The Risks of Drinking with Strangers

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get.

He had been singing all night with each Karaoke Star of the moment. After each performance, he'd hoist another Mai Tai cocktail to the ceiling.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

They stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but the moment they let him go, he falls down.
In fact, every time they release him, he keeps falling down.

He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

 

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After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, "Be quiet for a little while." His read, "Talk while you have a chance."

 

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We should try to encourage a movement where you have two hands [showing] in all photos.....called "Keeping America Honest." You throw up 2 peace signs r 2 thumbs up, and it means you're not doing a selfie; you actually have a friend. Or a tripod. ~Chelsea Peretti~!

 

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When my husband, James Rowles, was in the seminary, he was invited to preach at a small rural church. However, the man who was to introduce him to the congregation had trouble pronouncing his name. So James offered this verbal clue: "Remember rolls, like hot buttered rolls."

It worked. When it came time for the introduction, the man announced, "We are pleased to have with us the Reverend James Biscuits."

~Ruth Rowles~

 

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A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment an asks, "How do you find the Americans, Donald?"

"Mother", says Donald, "they're such noisy people. One neighbor won't stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long."

"Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?"

"What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly , playing my bagpipes."

 

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Old McDonald was dyslexic, I-E-I-E-O.
~Billy Connolly~

"I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, 'Don't let horses perform medical procedures'?"
~Ricky Gervais~

 

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I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter.
Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, "Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard."
The next day, I received a letter addressed to Sgt. Gary Toohard.

~G.C.~

 

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As if the declining health of my grandmother weren't enough, my parents suddenly had to contend with an ant infestation.
So I was glad to get a text from Mom updating me: "Exterminator was here; thinks he got the nest behind the microwave. He sprayed, and hundreds came out -dead and woozy. Grandma Marie is the same."

~Jennifer Shafer~

 

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A Passionate Couple


A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.



"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.



"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!

 

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The Elevator


The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded.

Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.


After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.”


“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”



“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”

 

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When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesome, I guess that's why they call me handsome...

 

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Hunting Buddies

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter retuned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck.

“Where is Mike?” asked another hunter.

“He fainted a couple of miles up the trail,” Mike’s partner answered.

“You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?”

“A tough call,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Mike.”

 

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Lunch Date

Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first person showed up on time, but the second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after they were supposed to meet...

1st lawyer: "How come you're so late?"

2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a beer bottle and got a flat tire..."

1st lawyer: "A beer bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?"

2nd lawyer: "No, the guy had it under his coat..."

 

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Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,” so they laid off the night watchman.

 

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April Fool's Day prank.....

 

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The Diagnosis

“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”

“That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet… What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!”

“It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”

 

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Family History

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."