Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A Rosary & Two Martinis

A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years, the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.

The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he couldn't have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.

With that, the priest asked the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

The Bishop replied, "Yes, that would be nice."

The priest turned around and hollered, "Hey Rosary, bring us a couple martinis!"

 

[moreluck]

Moojita Scale

Everybody knows about the Fujita Scale which measures the power of tornados. But nobody really knows what all those types of twisters do to COWS. So here is the MOOJITA Scale...

MOOJITA SCALE:

M0 Tornado- Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed.

M1 Tornado- Cows are tipped over and can't get up.

M2 Tornado- Cows begin rolling with the wind.

M3 Tornado- Cows tumble and bounce.

M4 Tornado- Cows are AIRBORN.

M5 Tornado- S T E A K ! ! !

 

[moreluck]

More Mouths of Babes.......

Realizing that their home just wasn't big enough with the new baby in the house, Little Johnny's parents discussed moving to a bigger one. Little Johnny sat patiently listening to his parents, then piped in, "It's no use. He'll just follow us anyway."

A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"​

 

[moreluck]

Butcher

Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer.

Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one large bag and labelsthem..."Moosellaneous."

 

[moreluck]

Military...

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

 

[moreluck]

Grandpa !

We had spent our vacation with my husband's family at their cottage. My 2-year-old daughter, Natalie, had shared a bedroom with her grandparents, and much to our surprise, her grandfather's snoring hadn't disturbed her. In fact, it seemed to have a soothing effect on her.

About a week after we returned home, Natalie and I were outside on the deck when someone up the block started a power saw. Natalie's face lit up. "Grandpa!" she squealed.

 

[moreluck]

Mouths of Babes.....

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

The Preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he was giving his preached he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third row leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"


Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"

My friend, Carolyn, was frustrated by how often her four-year-old son, Brian, was getting dirty playing outside. At wit's end, she finally said, "Brian, can't you play someplace where it's cleaner?" "If God didn't want us to play in the dirt," Brian logically said, "why did he make so much of it?"

When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." ​

 

[moreluck]

Rubbermaid

During the first heavy snowfall of the year, I ran upstairs to my apartment to retrieve the plastic storage box in which I kept the winter supplies for my car. Hurrying back out of the building, I slipped on the last step, fell forward, landed flat on my stomach on top of the container and skidded across the icy parking lot.

As I stood up, trying to restore my dignity, a voice called out to me: "Aren't those Rubbermaid products wonderful? They just seem to have so many uses."

 

[moreluck]

A blonde lady motorist was two hours from San Diego- when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!!

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, " I took them to the zoo. But we had money left over---so we went to the movies!!!

 

[moreluck]

How To Tell If You're A Grinch...Bah! Humbug!.............

Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.

You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.

You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.

Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.

You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.

You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply.

You steal gifts from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins.

You put out last year's stale candy canes for children.

 

[moreluck]

Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth wondered.

"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is...rear defrosters."

 

[moreluck]

Children's Christmas Carols".....................

A teacher asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He's makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer. (all of the other reindeer)

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You'll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

 

[moreluck]

4 yr. olds

My four-year-old nephew emerged from the bathroom smiling. "I brushed my teeth," he said, "and then I brushed Thor's." Thor was our yellow Labrador retriever. Horrified, I tried to explain to Joey that it wasn't a good idea for him to brush Thor's teeth, and that we'd have to go to the store and buy him a new toothbrush.

A few days later, as we were both brushing our teeth, Joey asked, "Aunt Lorraine, why did I have to get a new toothbrush?"

"Remember," I said patiently, "you used your toothbrush to brush Thor's teeth, so we went and got you a brand-new one."

Joey thought about this before replying: "But Aunt Lorraine, I didn't use my toothbrush on Thor's teeth. I used yours."

 

[moreluck]

Corgis......

This guy walks into a pub, sits down, and says, "Give me two beers. Rough day at work." And the bartender says, "Oh? What do you do?" The guys says, "I take care of the welsh corgis--you know, the dogs the royal family owns."

The bartender says, "Tough job, huh?"

The guy says, "Well, all that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperament. And the dogs aren't that smart either."

 

[moreluck]

Visiting Priest

A catholic priest went to the hospital to visit patients. Stopping at the nurses's station, he carefully reviewed the patient roster and copied down the room number of everyone who had "Cath" written boldly next to his name. Only after he had made the rounds did he realize that "Cath" denoted patients with catheters.

 

[moreluck]

If I Were Santa, I'd.........

If I were a rockin' Santa, You know what I'd do? I'd dump the silly gifts That are given to you.

I'd deliver some things...Just inside your front door -- Things you have lost, But treasured before.

I'd give you back all...Your maidenly vigor, And to go along with it, A neat, tiny figure;

Then restore the old color...That once graced your hair Before rinses and bleaches...Took residence there.

I'd bring back the shape...With which you were gifted, So things now suspended...Need not be uplifted.

I'd draw in your tummy...And smooth down your back Till you'd be a dream...In those tight fitting slacks!

I'd remove all your wrinkles...And leave only one chin, So you wouldn't spend hours...Rubbing grease on your skin.

You'd never have flashes...Or queer dizzy spells, And you wouldn't hear noises...Like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet,...And no corns on your toes No searching for spectacles...When they're right on your nose.

Not a shot would you take...In your arm, hip or fanny From a doctor who thinks...You're a nervous old granny.

You'd never have a headache,...So no pills would you take. And no heating pad needed...Since your muscles won't ache.

Yes, if I were Santa, You'd never look stupid. You'd be a cute little chick...With the romance of a cupid.

I'd give a lift to your heart, When those wolves start to whistle, And the joys of your heart...Would be light as a thistle.

But alas! I'm not Santa...I'm simply just me, The matronest of matrons...You ever did see.

I wish I could tell you...All the symptoms I've got, But I'm due at my doctor's...For an estrogen shot.

Even though we've grown older...This wish is sincere: Merry Christmas to you!...And a Happy New Year!

~ Author Unknown

 

[moreluck]

Florida Minister.....

A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them."

"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them."

 

[moreluck]

KIDS

"I'm the oldest in my family," explained ten-year-old Paul at the family reunion.

"And I'm the middle child," said seven-year-old Theo.

Four-year-old David stopped bouncing off the walls just long enough to chime in, "And I'm the challenge!"

 

[moreluck]

"The ABC'S Of Christmas"..........

A - Almost done Christmas shopping.

B - Bulb, the one that burnt out and can't find.

C - Can't find the perfect gift for mom.

D - Dang cat keeps knockin Christmas...ornaments off the tree.

E - Everyone is coming over.

friend - Found the perfect tree.

G - God Help Me!!!!!!!!!

H - Here comes Santa Clause.

I - Is Christmas almost over?

J - Just burnt the ham.

K - Keep your hands off that present.

L - Lights won't work (see B)

M - Must start earlier next year.

N - Need more socks for Christmas. (lol)

O - Ohhh Nooo The tree fell & ....can't get back up.

P - Please pass the Tylenol.

Q - Quiet as a mouse - not this house.

R - Really need a nap.

S - Santa's gonna skip this house.

T - To Foxee from Santa

U - Ugliest tree I've ever seen.

V - Virtual Cards are all sent.

W - Whats's a White Christmas?

X - Xmas on the Net.

Y - You still reading this?

 

[moreluck]

TOP 10 REASONS WHY HANUKKAH IS BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS

10. There's no "Kathy Lee Gifford Special"

9. Eight days of presents

8. No need to clean the chimney

7. There's no latke-nog

6. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs

5. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals

4. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."

3. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Dreidl."

2. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards

1. Latkes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes