Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Top Ten Reasons To Buy A New Car.......

10. The closest to musical entertainment you have, is the whistling sound created by all the rust holes.

9. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.

7. 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days.

6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club."

4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.

2. You keep losing dates on left turns.

1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

 

[moreluck]

Musician

A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman asked, “May I please see your permit?” I don’t have one,” confessed the musician. “In that case, you’ll have to accompany me.” “Splendid!” exclaimed the musician. “What shall we sing?”

 

[moreluck]

"When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."

I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

~ Steven Wright

 

[moreluck]

I Miss Bill Clinton

From a show on Canadian TV. there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever
got to having a black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.

Number 2 - He smoked weed.

Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a
check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that
they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in
honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily
of a weenie in hot water. Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its
line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't
know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I
know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think
you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky
between Bushes."

 

[moreluck]

Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?

He has an Adam's apple that isn't an apple...

Two calves that will never become cows...

A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere...

A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything...

Twenty nails that won't hold a board...

A chest that won't hold linen...

Two t!ts that won't give milk...

Two buns that won't feed anyone...

A belly button that won't button...

Two balls that won't roll...

An ass that won't pull a plough...

An organ that won't play music...

A cock that won't crow...

 

[moreluck]

Purina Diet


I have a Labrador retriever, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (Duh!)
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although, I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my privates and a car hit me.

I thought the guy standing behind her was going to have to have help as he laughingly staggered to the door.

 

[moreluck]

The right slant.....

Yesterday I saw a friend of mine, a Jewish man by the name of Moshe, reading an Arab newspaper. Surprised and more than a little curious I approached my old friend. "Moshe, why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspapers. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks; Jews control the media; Jews are all rich and powerful and Jews rule the world. Their news is so much better."

 

[moreluck]

I Wonder...

Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock?

If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll?

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

 

[moreluck]

Jury Duty.......

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

 

[moreluck]

Animal Truisms....

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

 

[moreluck]

SMART ANSWER #3
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in
front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ANSWER #2
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir,
I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to
laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I
guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

 

[Babo54]

Bad day at work
The next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue:

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to
begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself,
"I love my job, I love my job, I love my job

 

[moreluck]

Unfaithful.....

Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.

"Who was it?" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"

"No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein."

"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"

"No, not him."

"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"

"No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..."

Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"

 

[Babo54]

Preagnant Turkey

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,
removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of
the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!




Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!!

 

[Babo54]

Viagra

I knew it...... I knew it! I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in Viagra!

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

 

[moreluck]

Large Family

I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers. My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "When the other four came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

 

[moreluck]

GROANERS......

Did you hear about the pet store with the canaries that were constantly flying and never landed? They were giving them away for free because they came with no perches necessary.

When the clock factory caught fire, second hand smoke was just everywhere.

It wasn't school that John disliked, it was just the principal of the thing.

To some, marriage is a word ... to others, a sentence.

It was an emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers.

Is a cannibal's favorite game "Swallow the Leader?"

When they finish a new hive, do bees have a house swarming party?

 

[moreluck]

A Little Thanksgiving Tongue Twisting Fun! (Caution! Try these in private!)

Ten tricky two-toed turkeys trotted on the table.

Greedy gobblers grabbed the gravy.

Peter Pilgrim picked pretty plump pumpkins!

 

[moreluck]

Allergic

One little girl in my wife's second grade class appeared to be on the verge of tears. Sharon took her aside and asked what was wrong. "My mommy is allergic to my new kitten," the girl said.

"Oh, that's too bad," sympathized Sharon. "Will you have to give her away?"

"No," the child sobbed. "Daddy says the kitten has to go."

 

[moreluck]

Thanksgiving Poem...

Enjoy Your Thanksgiving...

May your stuffing be tasty...

May your turkey plump,

May your potatoes and gravy

Have nary a lump.

May your yams be delicious

And your pies take the prize,

And may your Thanksgiving dinner

Stay off your thighs!