Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Star of Bethlehem

The children's Christmas concert at my church was titled "The Star of Bethlehem." The performance was to open with some of the children carrying letters to spell the title. Backstage was a frantic scene of activity getting everyone in the right order. As the curtain went up and the children appeared on stage, the audience broke into laughter. The four children carrying the letters for "S-T-A-R" had come in reverse order. The title was now THE RATS OF BETHLEHEM.

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why is Christmas just like another day at the office?

A: You end up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

 

[moreluck]

"Psychotic Christmas Carols"

A Christmas Carol for Any Psychosis!............................

Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

Mania - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...

Paranoia - Santa Claus is Coming To Town (To Get Me).

Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

Depression - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell...

Borderline Personality - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

Passive Aggressive - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

 

[moreluck]

CHRISTMAS GIFT SUGGESTIONS



To your enemy......forgiveness.

To an opponent......tolerance.

To a friend......your heart.

To a customer......service.

To all.....charity.

To every child.....a good example.

To yourself.....respect.

 

[moreluck]

All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman


It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.

Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

Wearing white is always appropriate.

Winter is the best of the four seasons.

It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.

The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.

It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.

We're all made up of mostly water.

You know you've made it when they write a song about you.

Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.

It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.

It's fun to hang out in your front yard.

Always put your best foot forward.

There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

 

[moreluck]

KIDS....

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and assembled the consensus best comments. The kids were all between 5 and 8 years old.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea, you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breathes through an ******* on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.How do mermaids get pregnant?(Helen age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)

On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny(Julie age 7.)

 

[moreluck]

Golf Explained.....

The Law of Physics States it's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf Than at 10:00 to mow the yard.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are.
That's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, He probably shot an eight (or worse).

It takes longer to learn good golf than it does to become a brain surgeon.
On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat Hot dogs, and fart if you are performing brain surgery.

 

[moreluck]

Irish Cop

A Catholic priest was driving on a busy street. He wasn't paying full attention to his driving and at an intersection bumped into the back of a car driven by a Protestant minister. As the two clergymen were looking over the damage, a police officer came up to them, asked a couple of questions, and then said to the priest in his broad Irish brogue, "So tell me, Father, how fast do you think the Good Reverend was goin' when he backed into you?"

 

[moreluck]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM CANADA WHEN ...

1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.

2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

3. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

4. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

5. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

6. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

7. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

8. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

9. You find -40C a little chilly.

10. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.

11. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelery and your Sorels.

12. You understand the Labatts Blue commercials.

13. You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada".

 

[moreluck]

Perfect Man

The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man.

After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named....MR. POTATO HEAD.

He's tan. He's cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing.

And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

 

[moreluck]

The Jewish Nursing Home.......

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing
home. Unfortunately, all the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit their abuelo.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him "Maestro".

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honor".

"And there's a physician here that is 90 years old. He hasn't practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him "Doctor"

"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Mexican"

 

[xyy]

Changes to the Holiday Turkey Program

In order to better align the Holiday Turkey program with our Strategic Imperatives and our Corporate Mission and to make you all focus on the right things, the program has been improved. Instead of getting a Holiday Turkey, you will receive one half of a turkey this year. Next year you will receive another new half turkey in addition to the other wing from this years turkey. You will receive an additional part of the turkey for the next five years, at which time you will receive a whole turkey again. Well, not really a whole turkey. Part of a new turkey and part of some five year old turkeys. This is a benefit to all participants because it is more "flexible" than the old turkey program. In addition, certain senior managers will receive up to 250% of an additional turkey if they meet certain performance elements, e.g. make it to work 3 days out of 5 most of the time, and arrive at the office by 7am, but sit in the Cafe BSing with each other and drinking coffee until at least 9:30.

 

[moreluck]

Admissions Application....

A mature student was completing an application form for admission to the innovative M.D. program of the Faculty of Health Sciences at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario. It included a questionnaire. He paused before answering the question, "Do you consider yourself a leader or a follower?" He thought about it for some time and then wrote, "Although I have every confidence in myself and my abilities, I am also aware of my limitations, and so must say that I am a follower." He mailed off the application form. A few weeks later he received a letter from the Faculty of Health Sciences. It began, "Congratulations on your successful application and on your honesty. This year there were 400 applicants and only 150 were successful. Be forewarned, however, that you are going to be the only follower among 149 leaders."

 

[moreluck]

Scotsman: "Put on yer coat, loov, I'm going to the bar."

Wife: "Are ye taking me out for a wee dram?"

Scotsman: "Don't be daft woman, I'm turning the heat off."

 

[moreluck]

Enter the Pearly Gates


Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

Answer... "They're Carol's

 

[moreluck]

Why I love Christmas (from A to Z).....

Angels
Bells
Caroling
Decorations
Eggnog
Family, friends
Goodwill
Holly
Icicles
Jesus
Kindness
Love
Memories
Nativity
Ornaments
Peace
Quite
Rejoicing
Star
Three Kings
Under the tree
Virgin Mary
Wreaths
eXcitement
Yule Log
ZZZZzzzzzzz!!

 

[moreluck]

DUH !

My father, a handyman, crafted a gizmo--a heavy-duty steel adapter to a ball hitch--to attach to the front of his truck so that he could push his trailer and sailboat down the ramp into the water rather than have to go through the difficult manoeuvring to back them down.

Just after he had launched his boat and was parking the truck, a passerby noticed the ball hitch and stopped to ask what it was. Dad explained how he could push his boat and trailer now. The man looked at Dad with respect. "It must take much skill to drive down the highway and steer your boat and trailer in front of you."

 

[moreluck]

For The Kid In You...

What happens when geese land in a volcano? They cook their own gooses!

What do you call a pig with no clothes on? Streaky bacon!

What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk? An udder failure!

What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment!

 

[moreluck]

dumb blonde.....

A blonde walked up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round trip ticket.

"Where to?" asked the smiling ticket agent. The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!"

 

[moreluck]

My New Golf Book

I have just written my first book on golf. I believe it gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have learned over the years. The cost is only $29.95. Cash only please!

The following chapter listing is presented to give you a quick overview:

Table of Contents:

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9am

Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round

Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 11 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th

Chapter 12 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome

Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee

Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 15 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt

Chapter 16 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever

Chapter 17 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game

Chapter 18 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer From The Cart Girl and Give Her a $3 Tip, But Will Balk at $3.50 at the 19th Hole and Stiff the bartender.