Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A FITNESS STORY...
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college basketball team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other witch), will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.

 

[moreluck]

Sunday School

I asked the children during story time at church if any of them knew what a saint was. They were silent. "Do you know anything at all about saints?" I asked. One lad tentatively raised his hand. "Yes, Billy?" I asked. "Well," he offered, "they go marching in."

 

[moreluck]

TRUE AMERICAN.......

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never burned an American flag.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

 

[moreluck]

Putting Golf Into Perspective ........

The following is not intended to offend fans of tennis, basketball, football or baseball. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in its proper perspective.

Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? The following truisms may shed some light:

Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.

Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.

Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.

Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well they play.

Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.

Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.

Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.

When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them.

The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 year than the NFL does in 2.

You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30. The cost for even a nosebleed seat at the Super Bowl costs around $300 or more unless you buy it from scalpers in which case it's $1,000+.

You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave.

In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.

Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.

Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.

Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.

Golf doesn't have free agency.

In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."

You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.

At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.

Tiger hits a golf ball over twice as far as Barry Bonds hits a baseball.

Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood.

And Finally :

Here's a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy.

Why do golf courses have 18 holes - not 20, or 10, or an even dozen?

During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.

 

[moreluck]

Bargains.....

The old man was always telling his grandson about the good old days, and the
lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a lad," he'd say, "my mom
could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves of
bread and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar."

Then the old man said sadly, "You can't do that any more. Now they've got
those darn video cameras everywhere."

 

[moreluck]

LIFE A B C's

Avoid negative sources, people, places, things and habits.
Believe in yourself.
Consider things from every angle.
Don't give up and don't give in.
Enjoy life today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come.
friendamily and friends are hidden treasures; enjoy their riches.
Give more than you planned to.
Hang on to your dreams.
Ignore those who try to discourage you.
Just do it.
Keep trying no matter how hard it seems, it will get easier.
Love yourself first and most.
Make it happen.
Never lie, cheat or steal, always strike a fair deal.
Open your eyes and see things as they really are.
Practice makes perfect.
Quitters never win and winners never quit.
Read, study and learn about everything important in your life.
Stop procrastinating.
Take control of your own destiny.
Understand yourself in order to better understand others.
Visualize it.
Want it more than anything.
‘EXcellerate’ your efforts.
You are unique of all God's creations, nothing can replace YOU.
Zero in on your target and go for it!​

 

[moreluck]

General Truths & Rules about Golf:


Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 30 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt .....for an 8.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to layup just short of a water hazard.

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered"

 

[moreluck]

Seasoned Citizen's New Year's Resolutions

To be awake more than asleep

To remember the names of my Kid's and Grandkid's

To see my family...more often than my Doctor

To learn a new game besides Bingo

Not To say "Whipper Snapper"

Not To say "In my day..."

To spend more time on the computer than the toilet

To learn to pronounce the names of blasted pills I have to take

To stop calling my spouse "Old Woman ... or Old Man "

Happy New Year!

 

[moreluck]

Subject: 2006 Darwin Awards




It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual
honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out. This year's winner was a real rocket scientist... Really!

And the nominees were:

Semifinalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not
Surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house
down, killing both him and his sister.

Semifinalist #2


Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when

Another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and Crashed.
They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3 (here's a beauty!!)

A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus
straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County
police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps
together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the
trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren
Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone
because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had
assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the
ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

Semifinalist #4

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend
were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend -no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5 (this guy takes the cake!!!)


Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a
gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had
been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon
entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the
dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of
the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces
of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but
the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected
of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

Now ladies and gentleman, the winner of this year's Darwin Award: An
Arizona wizard'!!!!!

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded
in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The
wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The
type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.

Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur
rocket scientist... Had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had drivenhis Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed
and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the
1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles
from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted
asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within
5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and
continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and
soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog
fighting friend-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become
irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile
remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the
driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and
leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for
an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125
feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small
fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and
bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion
of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this maroon attained a ground speed
of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not on the ground.

 

[moreluck]

A Dangling Participle Alert:

The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing
about 150 pounds.

The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr.
Hannon, who died June 19, to accommodate his relatives.

Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud
that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.

Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,
outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.

The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year old that was
trying to force feed it in his ear.

We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows
playing Scrabble and reading.

Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants
armed only with spears.

 

[moreluck]

MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION HISTORY A Classic, Updated

2005: Resolved to read 10 books a year. 2006: I will read 5 books this year. 2007: I will manage to finish the comic pages three times a week.

2005: I will get my weight down to under 200. 2006: I will follow my new diet until I get down below 225. 2007: I will drive past a gym at least once a week.

2005: I will pay off my bank loans promptly. 2006: I will pay at least the interest when I can. 2007: I will seriously consider a move to a foreign country.

2005: I will stop smoking this year. 2006: I will cut down to a pack a day this year. 2007: I will learn how to breathe with just one lung.

2005: I will clean up the house weekly. 2006: I will pick stuff up around the house once a month. 2007: I will fumigate the house at least twice this year.

2005: I will read my Bible daily this year. 2006: I will go to church at least once a month. 2007: I will pray on Christmas and Easter.

 

[moreluck]

Exercise

A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.

"It's going fine", the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"

"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.

"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"

 

[moreluck]

It was the day after New Year and I lay in my bed with a herd of pink elephants standing on my head.

I remembered the party, the host of good cheer, I remembered the opening of a large keg of beer.

There was dancing and singing some snacks passed my way, but long before midnight the room started to sway.

I thought I heard bells, and a rousing good cheer of wishes that I'd have a Happy New Year!

After that things grew foggy, till I woke up in bed, with such a large headache that I wished I was dead.

Next year will be different, no party for me! Just a soft drink, some popcorn, and Dick Clark on TV!

Yes, I learned my lesson when I woke up today -- if you party too hardy you're going to pay!

 

[moreluck]

College Donation....

[FONT=Verdana,]Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friends act of generosity.

"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank., "You know hes only going to use it on drugs or booze."

Matt replies, "And we werent?"[/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

DESCRIPTION OF A CELL.......

My friend's husband is a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and she often wondered how his job would affect their children's outlook on life. She had her answer when her son brought his health quiz home from school with all but one question answered correctly.

The question: Name the three main parts of the cell.

His answer: the bars, the keys and the mattress.

 

[moreluck]

When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy
my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter.

During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a
husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked.

Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine,
said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."

 

[moreluck]

Old Love
​

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.​

​

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."​

​

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."​

​

 

[moreluck]

MORE HITS FOR THOSE GOLDEN YEARS

The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"

Rolling Stones: "I Can't Get No Circulation"

Bobby Darin: "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"

Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"

Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Abba: "Denture Queen"

Leslie Gore: "It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To"

Rolling Stones: "Hey, You! Get Off of My Lawn"

 

[moreluck]

Einstein
Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man answers, "241."
"That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The lady answers, "144."

"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man answers, "51."

Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"​

 

[moreluck]

Isn't It Your Job
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The preacher paused for a brief moment and then replied; "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin."