Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Virility Braggers....


After attending a business meeting, a Jewish, a Catholic and a Mormon man were enjoying drinks at a bar.
Bragging about his virility, the Jewish man said, "I now have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man chuckled at the Jewish man's accomplishment and stated, "That's nothing. I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a football team." "You guy don't have a clue. I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course," the Mormon man proudly declared.

 

[moreluck]

Q: What does NASCAR mean?

A: Non-athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks

 

[moreluck]

Condom Size.....

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

 

[moreluck]

Sermon Contents.....

A church goer wrote a letter to the editor of the newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. "I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me can't remember a single one of them. So I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all." This started a real controversy in the: "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:

"I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But for the life of me, I cannot recall what the menu was for a single one of those meals. But I do know this: they all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me those meals, I would be dead today."

No comments were made on the sermon contents anymore.

 

[moreluck]

Icy Roads....

Because of the icy road conditions, I couldn't prevent hitting a parked car. While the owner and I exchanged information, another car smashed into mine. We eventually called the police. When the patrol car drove up with its lights flashing, we all watched in disbelief as it careened into the third vehicle. The officer rolled down his window, smiled and said, "I guess I know what happened here."

 

[moreluck]

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men and the answers...

The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.; tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.


Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")


Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is In order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Moo!
friend. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.


Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.


Question #5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: Yes, I would.
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

 

[moreluck]

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

 

[moreluck]

No Trespassing Signs....


Pete is taking his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they notice 'No Trespassing' signs posted everywhere. He tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Pete says, "Sir, I've been hunting on this property all my life, but I notice that you now have a bunch of 'No Trespassing' signs posted. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."
The farmer tugs on his beard for a bit, and replies, "I'll make a deal with you. We have this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we've grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I'll let you hunt on my property." Pete walks back to the car and decides to play a joke on his friend. "That miserable old bugger won't let us hunt on his property," he says. "I'm going to shoot his damn cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and ... BAM! Suddenly, two more shots ring out behind him and his friend runs up, shouting, "I got the dog and cat too! Quick, let's get the hell out of here!"

 

[moreluck]

Evangelist Request

During a January revival, an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed. One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked him, "How's your hearing?"

The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."

 

[moreluck]

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi appointed a special committee Wednesday to author legislation to fight global warming. She's overestimating her support. She saw the USA Today weather map that morning and thought there are forty-nine blue states.

 

[moreluck]

Jesse James.....

On one occasion Jesse James and his gang sought food and rest at a lonely farmhouse. The woman there gave them what food she could and apologized for the poor hospitality. A widow and deeply in debt, she was even then waiting for the debt collector to visit her to demand $1,400, which she could not possibly afford to pay.

Jesse James had the spoils of one of his bank raids with him. He gave the astonished woman enough money to pay off her debt, telling her to be sure to get a receipt from the debt collector. Then he and his gang withdrew to watch the road leading to the farmhouse.

Along came the debt collector, looking very grim. A short while later he emerged from the farm, looking altogether more pleased with himself. Jesse James and his men stopped him, recovered their $1,400, and rode off.

 

[cheryl]

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?


DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he
must first deal with the problem on THIS side of the road before it
goes after the problem on the OTHER SIDE of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
CURRENT problems before adding NEW problems.


OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road.


ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.


JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against
it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.


NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in
his eyes and the way he walks.


PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.


DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.


JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in
front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's
why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is
gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the
other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as
plain and as simple as that.


GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS:
In't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.


JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.


ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \ .....
[reboot]


ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?


BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
‘cross the road’?


AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!


COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?


DICK CHENEY:
Were's my gun?

 

[moreluck]

HOW FOOTBALL IS RELATIVE TO CHURCH
​

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the closing hymn.
Draw Play - What many children do with the order of service during worship.
Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

 

[moreluck]

A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm threatened.
As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"

 

[moreluck]

Politically Correct References to Women

[FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]She does not: Get PMS
She becomes: Hormonally Homicidal

She does not have: A Killer Body
She is: Terminally Attractive

She is not: A Bad Cook
She is: Microwave Compatible

She is not: A Bad Driver
She is: Automotively Challenged

She is not a: Perfect 10
She is: Numerically Superior

She is not: Easy
She is: Horizontally Accessible

She does not: Hate Sports On TV
She is: Athletically Biased

She does not get: Drunk
She is: Accidentally Over-Served

You do not ask her: To Dance
You request a: Pre-Coital Rhythmic Experience

She is not: A Gossip
She is a: Verbal Terminator

She does not: Work Out Too Much
She is an: Abdominal Overachiever

She does not have: A Great Butt
She is: Gluteus To The Maxius

She is not: Hooked On Soap Operas
She is: Melodramatically Fixated

She is not: Cold Or Frigid
She is: Thermally Incompatible

She does not: Wear Too Much Make-Up
She is: Cosmetically Oversaturated

She will never: Gain Weight
She will become: A Metabolic Underachiever

She is not: A Screamer Or Moaner
She is: Vocally Appreciative

She does not: Sun Bathe
She experiences: Solar Enhancement

Her breasts will never: Sag
They will: Lose Their Vertical Hold

She does not: Cut You Off
She becomes: Horizontally Inaccessible

She does not: Snore
She is: Nasally Repetitive

She does not have: Big Hooters
Her: Cups Runneth Over

She is not: Too Skinny
She is: Skeletally Prominent
[/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

Bishop

Driving somewhere along the Massachusetts North Shore in the early 1900s, Bishop William Lawrence happened upon a driver swearing profusely as he struggled to pry a flat tire from the rim. "Have you tried prayer, my good man?" gently inquired the bishop - upon which the poor fellow, in the desperation of his plight, fell on his knees, clasped his hands, and lifted his eyes heavenwards. He then picked up the iron, inserted it, and off popped the tire. "Well, I'll be Goddamned," said the bishop.

 

[moreluck]

Why it's important to understand English.....

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me . . .an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars
and he was a little irritated . . .
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.? Today I get hunat eighty??? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

 

[moreluck]

The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people think illegal immigration is a serious problem.

A) 35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
B) 65% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio."

 

[moreluck]

George Carlin's New Rules for 2007

New Rule:

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you
don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days mowing my lawn.

New Rule:

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule:

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule:

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this
stuff at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:

Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.

New Rule:

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot. If you
walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with
one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge idiot.

New Rule:

I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering
my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I
don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule:

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.

New Rule:

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too dang exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule:

I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television
shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.

New Rule:

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now
it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving,
it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue:

No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a
towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even
tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I
don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule:

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27
Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place.

New Rule:

If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better
Than minimum wage, then for goodness sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do
you want fries with that?"

 

[moreluck]

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya' doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no."
says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."


When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her -
she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of
the 1st nine, honey .


A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms
out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she
can slam the door he jumps in beside her.


Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at
him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.


The cabby turns around and says, "Jeez Bob, you picked up a real bitch
this time!"