Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Snow White

When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up... "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."

 

[moreluck]

The Legend of Groundhog’s Day ...February 2nd

On Groundhog’s Day,we follow legend..Our eyes look to the ground, For a sleepy little woodchuck ...In Punxsutawney town.

If Phil, the brown haired critter...Comes out into the light... And quickly sees his shadow...He’ll bounce back out of sight.

He’ll slip into his burrow...For spring is far away - Six more weeks of winter...The price that we will pay.

But should the day be cloudy, Ole Phil will wander out... With spring around the corner, He’ll spread the news about.

'Tis fun to follow legend...It brightens up our day, To think the bliss of springtime...Is not that far away.

~ Marilyn Ferguson

 

[moreluck]

WHEN A POLICEMAN SAYS...HE REALLY MEANS

WHAT IS SAID / WHAT IS MEANT​

While on routine patrol... / I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.

The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner / He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN-DON'T FEED THE PIGS!"

The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control. / It was raining.

I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner. / The dirt-bag let go with an "oink" when I walked by.

Knowing the suspect had a criminal history... / He puked on my uniform one night.

The information is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past. / I've got two theft cases hanging over my head.

While being arrested, this subject resisted being injured in the act. / He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses.

The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations. / I wrote one citation for each swear word.

Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside say, "Come in." / The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army, so I kicked in the door.

The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies. / I sent them to a non-existent address which I called the "Command Post."

I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding. / She was a good looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.

The Chief appeared at the scene and took command. / I sent him to the same address as the reporters.

Further interview of the witness was impossible due to conditions. / It was my bowling night.

The defendant asked the officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment. / I told him he didn't have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.

 

[moreluck]

Good Girls / Bad Girls.........

Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"

Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love italian food...
Bad girls love italian waiters.

 

[moreluck]

Pig farmers have never done well in the United States. Most Americans prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no ham. The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in their business after the scares about health over beef, but most of the benefits had gone to the poultry and fish industries. Sale of ham and bacon remained virtually unchanged.

Because of this, The National Porcine Association hired a major Madison Avenue advertising firm to boost sale of pork products. They decided on an intensive campaign to saturate magazines television and radio with ads urging people to eat pork patties. The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was convinced to designate the second of February as the day when every family would be urged to eat pork sausage.

That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as ... Ground Hog Day.

 

[moreluck]

THE PRIEST WHO COULD NOT LIE

A distinguished looking young lady is on a flight returning from Switzerland.
She finds herself seated next to a priest and says to the priest: " Excuse me
father, may I ask a favor of you?"
"Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?" he replies.

"Here's the dilemma, I purchased a superbly sophisticated electronic hair
remover. I paid a lot of money for it. I really went well over the limits
set forth by Customs, and I fear they will confiscate it from me.
Could you perhaps secret it through Customs for me under your robes?"

"I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you I really am not ever able
to lie..."
"You have such an honest face father, surely they will never ask any
questions of you," and with that she hands him the hair remover.

After landing they proceed through Customs and it becomes the father's turn
in line.
"Father, do you have anything to declare?" asks the Custom's officer.

"From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son."

Finding this answer a little strange the custom's officer proceeds to ask,
"And from the waist to the floor, what do you have to declare?"

The father replies, "I have a marvelous little instrument destined to be
used on a woman, but which has never yet been used..."

Roaring with laughter the Custom's officer says, "Go right through father.

 

[moreluck]

Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?

A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.

 

[moreluck]

[FONT=arial,helvetica][SIZE=-1]Penis Tax ..... [/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica][SIZE=-1]

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it's in the hole.
It has two dependents, but they're nuts. Effective January 1, 2007, penises will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

10"-12" Luxury Tax
8"-10" Pole Tax
5"-8" Privilege Tax
4"-5" Nuisance Tax

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
Issues still under consideration are as follows: Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes? [/SIZE][/FONT]

 

[moreluck]

Bar.....

A man in a bar had a couple of beers and the bartender told him he owed four dollars.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.

"OK," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, then you did."

The man went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.

The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.

The man hurried into the bar and began to drink shots when suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

 

[moreluck]

YOU MIGHT BE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH IF...
​

* The doors are never locked.
* The Call to Worship is, "Y'all come on in!"
* People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.
* The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
* The restroom is outside.
* Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
* A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of."
* In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two calves."
* Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
* When it rains, everybody's smiling.
* Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
* A singing group is known as "The O.K. Chorale."
* The church directory doesn't have last names.
* The pastor wears boots.
* Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
* The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their neighbors can't leave them a bag of squash.
* There is no such thing as a "secret'' sin.
* Baptism is referred to as "branding.''
* There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
* Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
* You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that afternoon you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health.
* High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.
* People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
* It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
* The final words, of the benediction are, "Y'all come on back now, ya hear!"

 

[moreluck]

Blonde & Toasting

A guy raises his glass and toasts his blonde girlfriend. "May you be in Heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you're dead!"

"What's that mean?"

"That is an authentic Irish toast."

"Oh. In that case, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"

"That's French toast."

 

[moreluck]

Minnesota Slogans.....

I came, I thawed, I transferred.
Save a Minnesotan, eat a mosquito.
Home of the blond hair and blue ears.
Land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
Where the elite meet the sleet.
Land of two seasons -- winter and road construction.
Land of two seasons -- winter is here, winter is coming.
There are only three things you can grow in Minnesota: colder, older, and fatter.
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
Land of 10,000 Petersons.

 

[moreluck]

Wisdom of Kids

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" Don't answer.

Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.

Stay away from prunes.

Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.

Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.

 

[moreluck]

MURPHY'S LAWS OF LAW ENFORCEMENT
​

- If you have cleared the entire house (or apartment), encountered no resistance and have not been cussed out once, you hit the wrong house.
- The newly elected Sheriff is not the one you voted for, and he knows it!
- Court will be scheduled in the middle of your days off.
- Hot calls will only come over the air 10 minutes before the end of your shift.
- You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the station.
- Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit through mud.
- The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates for a salary increase.
- The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.
- Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boom-Boom".
- If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for direction.
- To err is human, to forgive is against department policy.
- You will find a "police discount" one day before payday.
- Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.
- Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook hiding behind you.
- No patrol car assigned to you will be clean and never have a full tank of gas.
- Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.
- The oldest squad car won't be retired. It will be assigned to you.
- Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.
- Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.
- Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.
- You will score no higher than fourth on a promotion exam with only three positions.
- If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.
- The speed you respond to a fight in progress is inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.
- Bullet proof vests might be.
- Your portable radio will never fail until you are involved in a foot pursuit.
- Vehicle pursuits always progress from areas of low traffic density to high traffic density.
- Your pen will only run out of ink when you are ready to write a ticket.
- NCIC will be down anytime you see a car listed on a hot sheet.
- You will never get a bomb threat call until the squad is away on training.
- The experience of your DA is inversely proportional to the importance of the case he is prosecuting.
- Word processors only delete reports when they are nearly done.
- In a physical confrontation involving more than one officer, any impact weapon used will strike cops more times than crooks.
- Do unto others, but do it first.
- There is an inverse relationship between the number of auto club stickers on a rear bumper and how well the person drives.
- You are ALWAYS downwind from pepper spray.
- No one's idea is a good idea until it becomes anothers idea...usually the Chief's.
- There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
- All great discoveries are made by mistake.
- If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
- The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
- Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
- High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
- If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
- If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
- Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
- If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on the 6 o'clock news.
- Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, and others who consider themselves immortal.
- When a civilian sees a blue lights approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the you need to use.
- You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
- Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
- On any call, there will always be more bad guys than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
- Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
- The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, civilian complaints, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.

 

[moreluck]

The secret to any successful business is a winning sales pitch.

For example:

No one puts as much of themselves into their jobs as the stars of a local bait shop: "Our bait catches fish or dies trying."

This ad for musicians claims to do it all: "Bagpipes: For your wedding, wake or border dispute."

The portable toilet industry is booming. The reason, one company insists, on a sign advertising its wares is simple: "Every Party Needs A Pooper."

 

[moreluck]

Biker Bar

An older gentleman walks into a biker bar completely drunk.
He goes right up to the biggest, hairiest, most tattooed, meanest-looking biker and says, "I've just been having a sexy good time with your grandma, so what do you think about that?"

The biker looks at him but doesn't say anything. He goes on, "She was fantastic, really hot," and further, "and what's more, she really loved every minute of it. So what do you think about that?"

By this time, the biker looks quite annoyed. He looks around at his friends, looks down at the old fellow, and says quietly, "You're drunk again, grandpa. Go home!"

 

[moreluck]

New Chain

There is a new restaurant chain opening nationwide. It is a partnership
between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard. They're
going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar"

 

[moreluck]

Very Important !!

This kind of stuff has got to stop in our country!!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper? Groceries heavier? And everything is further away?

Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face. What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection.......Well, REALLY NOW ......even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days. You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is their brakes must wear out awfully fast the way I see them screeching and swerving in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hip, thighs and bosom?

The people who make scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA !! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on, but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too; they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there.

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack !! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

Please pass this along to everyone you know as soon as possible, so we can stop this conspiracy!

PS. I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's fonts to be smaller than they once were

 

[moreluck]

JURY DUTY
​

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Youth and arrogance

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game,
took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him
why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his
generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost
primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby
to
hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes,
space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars.
We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with
light-speed-processing and," pausing to take another drink of beer....



The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,
"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were
young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little poop, what
are
you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding...