Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
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moreluck
golden ticket member
Common Forms of Office Illness
1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.
2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24 Hour Virus.
3. The Friday Afternoon Start The Weekend Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take but I Want To Stay On the Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.
5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To the Office Disease.
6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.
7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.
8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.
9. The I've Screwed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.
10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.
1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.
2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24 Hour Virus.
3. The Friday Afternoon Start The Weekend Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take but I Want To Stay On the Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.
5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To the Office Disease.
6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.
7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.
8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.
9. The I've Screwed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.
10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Politically Correct Terms...................
* Serial-Killer -- Person with difficult-to-meet needs
* Dishonest -- Ethically disoriented
* Fat -- Horizontally challenged
* Bald -- Follicularly challenged
* Pregnant -- Parasitically oppressed
* Alive -- Temporarily metabolically able
* Dead -- Living impaired
* Ignorant -- Knowledge-based nonpossessor
* Unattractive -- Cosmetically different
* Body Odor -- Nondiscretionary fragrance
* Serial-Killer -- Person with difficult-to-meet needs
* Dishonest -- Ethically disoriented
* Fat -- Horizontally challenged
* Bald -- Follicularly challenged
* Pregnant -- Parasitically oppressed
* Alive -- Temporarily metabolically able
* Dead -- Living impaired
* Ignorant -- Knowledge-based nonpossessor
* Unattractive -- Cosmetically different
* Body Odor -- Nondiscretionary fragrance
moreluck
golden ticket member
Which gift would you like?
To determine your personality, pick the gift you'd most like to receive...Make the choice now before you go on...don't look until you've made your choice...
1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Sex
5. Dinner/Dancing
6. Waffle iron
*
*
*
*
*
*
1. CANDY It means that... You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share. OR... You're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything, even true love.
2. FLOWERS It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture. OR... You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die.
3. A SWEET POEM It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word. OR... You're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.
4. SE X It means that... You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid to express your sex uality with another consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be meaningful and beautiful. OR... You're a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal experience after another.
5. DINNER/DANCING It means that... You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight. OR... You're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.
6. WAFFLE IRON It means that... You're a practical person who believes in gifts that you can actually use. OR... You have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen appliances.
To determine your personality, pick the gift you'd most like to receive...Make the choice now before you go on...don't look until you've made your choice...
1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Sex
5. Dinner/Dancing
6. Waffle iron
*
*
*
*
*
*
1. CANDY It means that... You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share. OR... You're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything, even true love.
2. FLOWERS It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture. OR... You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die.
3. A SWEET POEM It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word. OR... You're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.
4. SE X It means that... You are a passionate soul, a free spirit who is not afraid to express your sex uality with another consenting adult and feel that the physical side of love can be meaningful and beautiful. OR... You're a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal experience after another.
5. DINNER/DANCING It means that... You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight. OR... You're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.
6. WAFFLE IRON It means that... You're a practical person who believes in gifts that you can actually use. OR... You have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen appliances.
moreluck
golden ticket member
THEME SONGS FOR BIBLE CHARACTERS
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
i still think same sex relationship is when you change hands.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Hairy Armpits
A drunk is sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and
raises her arm really high to get the bartender's attention.
She has very hairy armpits. The drunk sees this and yells at the
bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink."
She gets her drink and goes away.
Later she returns and raises her arm again. The drunk sees her
and yells to the bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink."
She gets her drink and goes away again.
The bartender asks the drunk how he knows that she is a ballerina
given that she is a stranger and has never been in the bar before.
The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift
her leg that high."
A drunk is sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and
raises her arm really high to get the bartender's attention.
She has very hairy armpits. The drunk sees this and yells at the
bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink."
She gets her drink and goes away.
Later she returns and raises her arm again. The drunk sees her
and yells to the bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink."
She gets her drink and goes away again.
The bartender asks the drunk how he knows that she is a ballerina
given that she is a stranger and has never been in the bar before.
The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift
her leg that high."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Four Little Words.........
Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life.
Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"
"He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.
Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."
Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life.
Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"
"He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked.
Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'."
moreluck
golden ticket member
When insults had class.............
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -- Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -- Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -- Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -- Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
moreluck
golden ticket member
Weird Text.......
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park.
He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat
leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh,
a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.
A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighbourly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the
blind man.
The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled,
and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park.
He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat
leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh,
a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.
A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighbourly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the
blind man.
The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled,
and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Car Repair
I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. He drove the car around the block, listened carefully, then told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair. At the shop I proudly recited, "The timing is off, and there are premature detonations, which may damage the valves." As I smugly glanced over the mechanic's shoulder, I saw him write on his clipboard, "Lady says it makes a funny noise."
I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. He drove the car around the block, listened carefully, then told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair. At the shop I proudly recited, "The timing is off, and there are premature detonations, which may damage the valves." As I smugly glanced over the mechanic's shoulder, I saw him write on his clipboard, "Lady says it makes a funny noise."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Mail Carriers
We mail carriers are responsible for making sure that our trucks are in good repair. Once, after he had submitted numerous work orders for his vehicle, one of my co-workers was evidently running out of patience with his vehicle. His last order read: Lift radiator cap and install new truck.
We mail carriers are responsible for making sure that our trucks are in good repair. Once, after he had submitted numerous work orders for his vehicle, one of my co-workers was evidently running out of patience with his vehicle. His last order read: Lift radiator cap and install new truck.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Clearly Defined Words
A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.
MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ.
METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.
MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a house of ill repute.
MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.
MOTHER'S DAY - Nine months after fathers day.
NUN - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Thanks to DS for sending me these......
Subject: Fw: Golf Zingers
Golfer: I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?
Golfer: I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.
Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
Caddy: Yes sir, You miss the ball much closer now.
Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Caddy: Eventually.
Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.
Caddy: I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.
Golfer: Please stop checking your watch. It's too much of a distraction.
Caddy: It's not a watch - it's a compass
Golfer: How do you like my game?
Caddy: Very good, sir, but personally I prefer golf.
Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play golf on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play sir, it's a sin on any day.
Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.
Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.
Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.
Subject: Fw: Golf Zingers
Golfer: I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?
Golfer: I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.
Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
Caddy: Yes sir, You miss the ball much closer now.
Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Caddy: Eventually.
Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.
Caddy: I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.
Golfer: Please stop checking your watch. It's too much of a distraction.
Caddy: It's not a watch - it's a compass
Golfer: How do you like my game?
Caddy: Very good, sir, but personally I prefer golf.
Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play golf on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play sir, it's a sin on any day.
Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.
Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.
Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.
moreluck
golden ticket member
All roses symbolize love, but the different colors have special meanings......
RED: love, passion, respect, courage
YELLOW: joy, friendship, freedom
PINK: happiness, gratitude, appreciation, admiration
CREAM: thoughtfulness, charm, graciousness
ORANGE: admiration, fascination, enthusiasm, desire
WHITE: innocence, purity, secrecy, reverence
So, be careful when making your selections!!
RED: love, passion, respect, courage
YELLOW: joy, friendship, freedom
PINK: happiness, gratitude, appreciation, admiration
CREAM: thoughtfulness, charm, graciousness
ORANGE: admiration, fascination, enthusiasm, desire
WHITE: innocence, purity, secrecy, reverence
So, be careful when making your selections!!
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