Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

H.S. Football

Football players at the high school where I worked were stealing the practice jerseys, so the coach ordered a set with "Property of Central High School" emblazoned on them. When the thefts continued, he ordered a new batch that had the imprint "Stolen From Central High School." But the jerseys still kept disappearing. The larceny finally stopped after he changed the wording to "Central High School 4th String."

 

[moreluck]

Combat for Dummies.........

Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources. Some of these guys must have had a sense of humor

"Aim towards the enemy."
--Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop

 

[moreluck]

A man sitting at a lunch counter has just been served his food when he calls the waiter back.

"Waiter," he says, "can you explain why there is a footprint in the middle of this food that I ordered?"

"Yes, sir," replies the waiter. "You rushed in here, asked for a large omelet and told me to step on it."

 

[moreluck]

Homeowner's Guide to Basic Tools​

Hammer: In ancient times, a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver: The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver: The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers: A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Electronic Stud Finder: An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

 

[moreluck]

Dog Show

Over the weekend I happened to catch a glimpse of some National Dog Show event as I flipped through the channels. The dog on the screen at the time was a white English sheepdog. It was simply a mound of fur with four legs. The judge was brushing back the dog's hair so she could look at the animal's eyes.

The TV announcer was explaining that each dog has to have its eyes checked to make sure they're the right shape, color, etc.

Another announcer chimed in with, "Well, plus the judge has to see if the dog HAS both of its eyes. 'Cuz if you start combing through all that hair and you only see ONE eye... then you're looking at the wrong end of the dog."

 

[moreluck]

Unanswered Questions

A recent survey revealed that the average American walks 900 miles per
year.Another survey revealed that the average American consumes 20 gallons of beer per year.
Conclusion: The average American gets 45 miles per gallon.

Where is Old Zealand?


Why didn't Noah kill both mosquitoes when he had the chance?

 

[moreluck]

Women Drivers!

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was half way over in my lane, still working on her damn makeup!
I'm a man, but it scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned "Big Jim and the Twins," ruined the damn phone, put out my cigarette, and disconnected an important call!
DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!

 

[moreluck]

Human Body

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

 

[moreluck]

OLYMPIC CONDOMS​

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

 

[moreluck]

Reasons Why Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen.......

They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run
out of gas.

Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.

It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.

It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.

The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.

They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The
driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.

The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.

Top speed is only about 45 mph.

Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.

It's hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

 

[moreluck]

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him. "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. "That would be the usher," Charlie explained. "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said. "You mean the aisle," Charlie said. "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. "Pew," Charlie retorted. "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

 

[moreluck]

Strange & Unusual............

A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.


People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop ...
even your heart. This is why people have always said "God bless you" after a sneeze.


Only 7% of the population are lefties.

40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.


Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.


The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.


The toothbrush was invented in 1498.


The average housefly lives for one month.


40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. Don't ask how.


A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.


The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.


Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.


The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.


Among the music catalogues that Michael Jackson owns the rights to, is the South Carolina State anthem.


In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.


Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.


The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.


Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.
They are reused in vein transplant surgery.


Humphrey Bogart and Princess Diana were seventh cousins.


If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green

 

[moreluck]

Technology is constantly improving our lives.
Look at the cellular telephone. Just ten years ago,
virtually nobody was able to get into a car crash caused by
trying to steer and dial at the same time;
today, people do this all the time.​

 

[moreluck]

Al Gore's Live Earth Concert aired from nine sites around the world Saturday. Each concert site was jammed with giant equipment trucks, giant buses to bring the bands, giant motor homes for dressing rooms, Gulfstream jets for the stars and huge electricity generators for the concert itself. The next morning, the planet surrendered.



Argus Hamilton.

 

[moreluck]

Sent by God.....

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?".

Her mother told her, "God sent you."

"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?", the child persisted.

"He sent them also," the mother said.

"Did he send their parents, too?", asked the child.

"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years! No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."

 

[moreluck]

WWI Flying Ace....
The professor of a European history class at a very conservative Baptist college invited a local World War I "Ace" pilot to lecture to his class about the air war during WWI.
The very weathered-looking old man began his lecture by saying, "I'll never forget one beautiful morning in the spring of 1917. I was flying over the French vineyard country enjoying all of God's natural beauty, when all of a sudden the solitude of the day was broken when a bunch of them German 'fokkers' emerged from behind a cloud."
The students began buzzing over the language used by the old man, when the professor interjected, "There may be some need to further clarify what was just said. A 'Fokker' is a German airplane from that time period." The old flying ace then said, "Yeah, but these 'fokkers' were Messerschmitts!"

 

[moreluck]

Bra Sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, friend and G are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} - Almost Boobs

{B} - Barely there

{C} - Can't Complain!

{D} - Damn!

{DD} - Double damn!

{E} - Enormous!

{G} - GEEEEzus Christ!

{friend} - Fake.

 

[moreluck]

George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline

Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down. Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved. If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, tell it to your friends...seems like a great idea!

 

[moreluck]

You May Be From Canada If…


You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk."

You understand the phrase, "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

You drink pop, not soda.

You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean.

You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars.

You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion and many more are Canadians.

You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

You know what a touque is.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee".

Your local newspaper covers the national news on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.

You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and roadwork.

You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.

You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan." (Sas-Kat-chew-wan)

You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada."

You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary and more polite than, "Huh?"

You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all of your Canadian friends! Then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them...further.

 

[moreluck]

NEW DEFINITIONS...........

Seamstress \seem'-stres\: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued \sub-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official.

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a bill.

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.

Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.