Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Dog Show....
A couple were backstage at a dog show admiring some of the entrants. They stopped at one cage and remarked. "This one looks like such a well-bred dog!" The handler smiled and joked, "Yes he is. He has a pedigree so long that if he could talk, he wouldn't speak to us!

 

[moreluck]

What do you give the pedophile who has everything?

Another parish

 

[moreluck]

A golfer took his tee shot and watched the ball sail into the woods. His next shot went into a few trees. He tried again and managed to hit the ball over the fairway and into more trees. Finally, after several more shots, he ended up in a sand trap.

Throughout his ordeal, he was under the watchful eye of the local golf pro.

"What club should I use on this shot?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?

 

[moreluck]

LITTLE KNOWN ILLNESSES

AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.

DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.

HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.

SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.

OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

 

[moreluck]

And they say blondes are dumb....

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

 

[moreluck]

Phrases That Really Bug Us................

"It's not rocket science". Rocketry is engineering, not a science.


The phrase "up close and personal" was irritating to start with and has become hackneyed and meaningless e.g. I went on a river trip and was thrilled to get up close and personal with a crocodile


I can't stand "to die for". Nothing's that good and even if it was, you'd be dead and wouldn't be able to enjoy whatever it was.


"Pushing the envelope" always conjures up for me some ridiculous scene in a mailing room or post office.


Why, when someone famous dies, do tributes always "pour" in? Also, when a plane crashes in the sea, the media is quick to remind us that the waters are always "shark-infested".


Only $999.99


"This door is alarmed". Is it really frightened?


The infuriating rising inflections at the end of sentences that make everything sound like a question?


I hate being addressed as "hallo there". My name is not "there". And why have all the cookery books and frying pans disappeared? What is a "cook" book and a "fry" pan?


When the waitress plonks the plate in front of you and says, "there you go". Where do I go? Where's there?


"It will be in the last place you look". Well of course I'm not going to continue to look for it when I have found it.

 

[moreluck]

Henny Youngman on ethics...........

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"

 

[moreluck]

3 Surgeons........

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a Woman was high on cocaine and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling at 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's running for President."

 

[moreluck]

Angels Explained by Children.........

I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell, 7

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. Reagan, 10

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. Antonio, 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. Sarah, 7

 

[moreluck]

Here are some of the "All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists," as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff..........

At what elevation does an elk become a moose?

How do you pronounce 'Elk'?

Are the bears with collars tame?

Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I
store it in my tent?

I saw an animal on the way to Banff today. Could you tell me what it was?

Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?

Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?

What's the best way to see Canada in a day?

Do they search you at the B.C. border?

Where can I buy a raccoon hat? All Canadians own one don't they?

So it's eight kilometers away. Is that in miles? We're on the decibel system
you know.

Where can I get my husband really lost?

Is that 2 kilometers by foot or by car?

 

[moreluck]

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad,
but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."​

 

[moreluck]

Elderly Couple

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.

Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

How do you feel about sex? he asked, rather hopefully.

Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently, she responded.

The old guy paused...then he asked, Was that one word or two?

 

[moreluck]

GOOD GIRLS VS. BAD GIRLS​

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say, "No." Bad girls say, "When?"

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

 

[moreluck]

Jerry Seinfeld on horse racing............

Horse racing... now here's something idiotic. I have no idea which horse is gonna win. I don't even think the horses know they're racing. It's not like they're going back to the barn going "I was first" "I was second"...you cut me off there, watch that, next time I'll kick your ass." I'll tell you one thing the horses don't know--that if they fall and break their leg, we're gonna blow their brains out. I think they're missing that vital piece of information... if they did know, you'd see some mighty careful stepping going down that backstretch.

 

[Joe Shryock]

Re: Heard any good ones?

That is so cool, wish we could do that at some of those day labor pick up places, or even a restaurant if you didn't like the place.

 

[moreluck]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029......
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $758 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

 

[moreluck]

JUDGING THE SIZE​

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.
"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.
"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counseled the therapist.
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

 

[moreluck]

Driving in Snow

As Thomas cautiously drove through the snow-packed streets in Minneapolis,Minnesota, his sons Joshua, six and Taylor, four, sat in the backseat watching the snow continue to fall. On a windy corner, they noticed a hitchhiker bundled in scarf, coat, boots, and hat. Thomas asked the boys, "Do you know why he has his thumb stuck out?" Joshua answered. "He wants us to give him a ride." Taylor shook his head and said, "No he doesn't. He thinks Dad's doing a good job of driving in the snow."

 

[moreluck]

Actual Excerpts From Letters To Landlords​

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy. ​

 

[moreluck]

Put 3 current movie titles together and what do you get????

Pirates....Knocked Up....Shrek !!