Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

12 Valid Reasons Not To Come In To Work
1. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

4. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

5. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Tom Thumb.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

 

[moreluck]

Two Words

It was the first day of school after summer vacation.
The kids had all arrived in the high school sophomore English class, and were chatting away, making new friends.
THEN…In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats.

The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids.
After about a minute or so, he spoke...
"From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom.
You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework.
Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter.

The first one is "gross"
And the other one is "cool"
Are there any questions?"

After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand,
and the teacher calls upon him.
In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks...

"So, what are they?"

 

[moreluck]

Strange Newspaper Headlines With Double Meanings


March Planned For Next August

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

 

[moreluck]

Sharp Teacher...

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's
final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not
showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate
family member's death.

One smart ass student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?",
and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had
subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse,
you can just use your other hand to write."

 

[moreluck]

Bike Salesman....

Nearing 40 and woefully out of shape, I resolved to buy a bicycle and begin an exercise regimen. As I browsed in the bike shop, a young, athletic-looking clerk approached. "What do you have for a fat old lady with a big tender posterior who hasn't ridden in years?" I asked. He didn't even blink. "Well, why don't you bring her in, and we'll see what we can do," he said, clinching the sale.

 

[moreluck]

from the Sunday Comics.....

Q: How many Rebublicans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Nobody knows! They won't release the information!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How man degenerate liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

A: They never change anything, they just cry over the broken bulb.

 

[moreluck]

Football Wedding​

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

 

[moreluck]

ALAMO.....

The truth about what was REALLY said at the Alamo ..... March 6, 1836

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.

Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim.... are we landscaping today?"

 

[moreluck]

Two things to ponder:
1. The Constitution
2. The Ten Commandments


The Constitution
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

The Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal", "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

 

[moreluck]

From Argus Hamilton:


NBA referee Tim Donaghy agreed Sunday to testify against the mobsters for whom he fixed NBA games. A betting scandal could delay league expansion plans. There's now concern that an NBA team in Las Vegas could seriously erode the town's moral fiber.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry is a hit about two straight men who pretend to be gay lovers to get health coverage. It's tricky. Sodomy is acceptable to the average American moviegoer only if it's performed by an experienced insurance company.

The White House issued a statement Monday stating that President Bush's colonoscopy procedure Saturday was successful. Doctors removed five colon polyps. It was a lot less painful than a few years ago when they removed Colin Powell.

The Department of Agriculture was reported to have paid over a billion dollars to dead farmers over the last seven years. One hundred and seventy thousand dead farmers have been collecting the farm subsidies. They are paid not to push up daisies.

 

[moreluck]

A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion wine before hand and had to piss really bad. So when the next guy was done with his confession the priest asked him, "Would you mind sitting in for me while I piss?"
The man being a pleasant soul said sure no problem. So the priest showed the man a list of sins and the corresponding penances to go along with them. So the man was pretty secure that he had things under control.
The man was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Mary's, Rosaries and everything was going good. Then a lady came in said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a bl*wjob."
So the man looked on his list for Bl*wjob but couldn't find it. He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked D*ck, and Oral Sex but couldn't find a penance.
So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a bl*wjob?"
To which the kid replied, "He usually gives us two candy bars and a soda pop."

 

[moreluck]

Kittens.....

Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?" to which the little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," the child says.

"Oh that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off.

A couple of days later Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.

Al Gore says to Bill, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

Al Gore says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are."

The boy replies, "They're Republicans."

"Whoa!" Al Gore says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"

"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."

 

[moreluck]

Job Descriptions in the Real World...........

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he
predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that
decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
(Laurence J. Peter)

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat
which isn't there.(Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a
"brief."

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked
children.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

 

[moreluck]

From Argus Hamilton:


Barry Bonds' grand jury decided Friday to keep investigating him. Insiders say he could be indicted for tax evasion by September. Commissioner Bud Selig said he still hasn't decided if he will be on hand when Barry Bonds breaks Al Capone's record.


Democratic presidential candidates in South Carolina took video questions from Internet users Monday. The questions were screened. Hillary Clinton was asked a thousand times if she would dress up like a Catholic schoolgirl during the next debate.

Democratic candidates tried to tout their national security credentials Monday in South Carolina. It's a hopeless venue for them. Rudy Giuliani's been unbeatable in South Carolina ever since it was discovered that his first wife is also his cousin.
The National Governors Association met in Michigan Sunday. Republican governors discussed their concern about the lack of a GOP frontrunner for president. Three of them have secretly petitioned the court to change their names to None of the Above.

 

[moreluck]

Cannibals......

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

 

[moreluck]

My tranquil existence on the farm was shaken one summer morning when my five-year-old son came carrying the day's accumulation of eggs and shouted, “Mommy, Mommy, I know what the rooster does!”

“You do?” I said, incredulous.

“Oh, yes. He doesn't lay eggs, does he?”

“Well, no, he doesn't,” I admitted.

“That's right,” he confided. “He calls when they're ready!”

 

[moreluck]

Ways To Tell You Are Over the Hill...............

1. You find yourself boogying to elevator music.

2. You think "libido" is an Italian pasta.

3. People always begin compliments with the phrase, "For you age...."

4. The tooth fairy has more of your teeth than you do.

5. When people ask what your favorite food is, you tell them "soft"

6. Sex becomes a job and you have to file for unemployment.

7. You join a mall-walking league.

8. You notice that joggers are passing you.....while you're driving!

9. Your pharmacist calls you by your first name.

10. You start thinking that Sarasota, Florida is a lot more "cutting edge" than most
people give it credit for.

11. Your car battery dies because your turn signal was on for 2 weeks straight.

12. You wonder why everyone else is starting to mumble.

13. You light your b-day candles and a group of campers form a circle and start
singing "Kumbaya".

14. Conversations with people your age often turn into "dueling ailments".

15. You think of a 'quickie' as napping at a traffic light.

16. You come to the conclusion that gravity is your worst enemy.

17. You start beating everyone else at trivia games.

18. You refer to your $2500 audio system as the "Hi-Fi".

19. Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

20. The clothes you've been saving "till they come back in style", come back in style.

 

[moreluck]

Duck Hunters.....

Two guys were out hunting, but they weren't getting any ducks.
"What do you think the problem is?" one man asked his companion.
"I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high
enough."

 

[moreluck]

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was
nursing a king-size hangover
and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

 

[moreluck]

This is a bad joke..... But so true!!!!

Two muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli
and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her
purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when
he was born".

"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.

"Oh, gracious me ...." Says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18, she
whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started
school".

He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at
the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"