Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Sharon Stone apologized Friday for saying China's earthquake was caused by China's bad karma. It was a costly gaffe for the actress. She lost her Christian Dior account, and hell will freeze over before she has her own line of jeans at Wal-Mart.

Barack Obama's church congregation roared with laughter Sunday as a white guest priest went wild onstage mocking white people and white entitlement. It's a total sacrilege. Richard Pryor's material is holy and must never be attempted by white guys.

Susan Sarandon vowed to move to Canada if McCain gets elected president. Last time, Martin Sheen and Barbra Streisand said they'd move to Canada if Bush was re-elected. All they had to do was express a little appreciation for their country and they could have spent the rest of their lives selling out showrooms in Branson.

~Argus Hamilton~

 

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SOME HUMAN FACTS.......

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why we were designed the way we were.

- Scientists say the higher your I.Q. the more you dream.

- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

- You use 200 muscles to take one step.

- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

- Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

- A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.

- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

- The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

- The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica. (Okay, that's for "most" people!)

- It takes the food 7 seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

- The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

- Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

- At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

- There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

- Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

- The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

- Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

- Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

Now remove your thumb from your nose and get back to work!

 

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Vacation in Ireland.......

A Spaniard on vacation in Ireland struck up a conversation
with Murphy. He happened to use the word 'manana'. Murphy
asked him to explain what 'manana' meant.

The Spaniard said that the term means "maybe the job will be done
tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that...perhaps
next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"

He then asked the Irishman if there was an equivalent term in
Irish.

"No, in Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree
of urgency", replied Murphy.

 

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Big Brown could win the Triple Crown in the Belmont Saturday. He just sold for stud at a record price. His value went up even higher when breeders realized that riding him to work every day would save them five thousand dollars a year in gasoline.

Geraldine Ferraro accused Barack Obama on Friday of hiding behind his race to avoid criticism in the campaign. For her, it's about women's rights. She's angry that a black man will get to lose in a landslide to a white war hero when it's a woman's turn.

~Argus Hamilton~

 

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Thinking outside the Box......

The teacher spent the entire hour reading to her class about the bison family. When she had finished, she said, "Name some things that are very dangerous to get near to and have horns."

A little boy raised his had and spoke up without hesitation: "Automobiles!"

 

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Ladies Night Out.

So ... the other day, three friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, my second friend pulls out a $20 bill.
She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek.

Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks.

Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst in me took over.

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home.

 

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Old Is......

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?

 

[moreluck]

CAT MIND GAMES....

1. Stare with the exact same expression whether you're looking at nothing or an ax murderer.

2. Wait till your human lays out their clothes and decide this would be the perfect place to take a nap.

3. Race through the house, hair on end and stop in an attack pose. Then walk of nonchalantly. Repeat as necessary.

4. Play with invisible objects.

5. Wait till your human is asleep and jump up and start kneading any available body parts.

6. Do a figure 8 through your humans' legs while they are walking around the kitchen cooking something you won't get a bite of.

7. Before your human gets out of their bed, make sure you're napping in the bathroom doorway.

8. Leave gifts of small animal body parts in your human' s shoes. Then wait to be praised. Stalk off if not rewarded for your gift.

9. If you absolutely have to go to the vet, cling to your human's head, howling at the top of your lungs and spew hairballs on the vet.

10. Wait till your human is eating, then jump on the table and shed.

11. Using the litterbox at your human's mealtimes can be great fun.

 

[moreluck]

LUTHERAN AIRLINES



WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIRLINES IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA!


ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORDERN MITCHIGEN, NORT & SOUT DAKOTA


If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, the no-frills airline.You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, here flyin is a upliftinexperience. Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.

Meals are potluck. Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad;16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert.

Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.

All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit dasafety system aboard dis Lutran Air. Okay den, listen up; I'm only
gonna say dis vonce:

In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna bereal surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around
two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean daSecond Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodder with doze
liddle masks on da rubber tubes--you're gonna have bigger tings to worryabout den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes.Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you,we're gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like drivingacross a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying daLord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sinsas we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say 'trespassagainst us,' which isn't right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not bec ause daymay confuse da plane's navigation system, which is by da pants all daway. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if Godhad meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da sideof your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffeepot up front.

Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you.Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upsetand I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace:

Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest
and let deze gifts to us be blessed.
Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost,
May we land in Dulut or pretty close.

 

[moreluck]

Chinese Laundry Shop......

A tourist is walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, fascinated by all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. As he turns a corner, he catches sight of a building with a sign, 'Jerzy Dudek's Chinese Laundry'.

"Jerzy Dudek?" he thinks to himself. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
So, he enters the shop and sees an old Chinese man behind the counter. Approaching him, the tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like Jerzy Dudek's Chinese Laundry?"
"Is name of owner," answers the old man.
"Well, who and where is the owner?" asks the tourist.
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Jerzy Dudek?" the puzzled tourist asks.
"Is simple," the old man says. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Jerzy Dudek'. Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sem Ting'."

 

[moreluck]

Advice From Children...........
Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew,Age12

Never talk back to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary, Age 7

Don't flush the toilet when you're dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when yourparents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's onthe phone. Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13

Never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your momtold you to do. Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13

 

[moreluck]

Scam Warning.................

I hate people who forward too many warnings as much as anyone, but this one is important!

Send this warning to everyone you know, friends and enemies!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, do not do it!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked!

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

 

[moreluck]

SCENTED CANDLES FOR MEN.......

'62 Chevy truck - Interior and Exhaust
Gunpowder
Wet Dog (only if it's your own dog)
Frying Bacon (actually, a lot of different fried foods)
Wood Smoke
Chainsaw Exhaust
Freshly Caught Bass
Ozone (arc welder, of course)
Acetylene
Freshly Moved Dirt
Sale Barn
Silage
Sawdust
New Tires
Hot Metal
3 Year Old Baseball Cap
Ammonia Fertilizer (light, of course)
Burning Grass or Leaves
Alfalfa
Firecrackers
Latex Paint

 

[moreluck]

Children write about the sea........

1) This is a picture of an octopus.. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat behind. (Jule age 7)

 

[moreluck]

Puppy Size................



Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this,' the mother told the volunteer.

'What is it she keeps asking for?' the volunteer asked.

'Puppy size!' replied the mother.

'Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for.'

'I know...we have seen most of them,' the mom said in frustration.


Just then Danielle came walking into the office. 'Well, did you find one?' Asked her mom. 'No, not this time,'

Danielle said with sadness in her voice. 'Can we come back on the weekend?'

The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed.

'You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply,' the volunteer said.

Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. 'Don't worry, I'll find one this weekend,' she said.


Over the next few days both mom and dad had long conversations with her.

They both felt she was being too particular. ‘It’s this weekend or we're not looking any more,' Dad finally said in frustration.

‘We don’t want to hear anything more about puppy size either,’ Mom added.


Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning. By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs.

Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren’t permitted.


Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by one, the dogs were brought out and she held each one.

One by one she said, 'Sorry, you're not the one.'

It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup.

The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer.

'Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!' she screamed with joy. 'It's the puppy size!'

‘But it’s the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks,' Mom said

'No not size...the sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed,' she said.

'Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!'

The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both.

'Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms,' she said.

Then holding the puppy up close to her face she said, 'Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!'



Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day. They are the sighs of God! Take the time to stop and listen; you will be surprised at what you hear. 'Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.' May each of you feel and hear the sighs of God...

 

[moreluck]

Signs You Have Nothing to do at Work......

1. You've read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2008 - and it's only the middle of February.

2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis. Or maybe Mister Rogers.

3. You've definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.

4. You decide to see how many Jolt Colas you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

5. Co-workers come into your cubicle frequently ... to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

6. The 5th Division of Paper Clips has completely overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

 

[moreluck]

A TV Story​

Now, sit right back, and hear a tale. A tale of a fateful trip. That started from a tropic port, aboard a tiny ship. They were four men, who lived together, but they were all alone.
They'd sing, "Fish don't fry in the kitchen, beans don't burn on the grill, took a whole lot of trying', just to get up that hill."
She was bringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold, like their mother. The youngest one in curls. They got tired of packing and unpacking, town to town, and up and down the dial.
'Til the one day when the lady met this fellow. And they knew it was much more than a hunch. He said, "Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot."
The guys promised they were good old boys. Never meaning no harm. They were creepy and kooky. Mysterious and kooky. All together ooky.
The gals responded, "People say we monkey around. But we're too busy singing to try to put anybody down."
The skipper, brave and sure, five passengers set sail that day, for a three hour tour. A three hour tour. The weather started getting rough. The tiny ship was tossed. They all sang, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Schlemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated."
The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle. Land spreading out so far and wide. The lady said, "Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside."
Once on land, the lady said, "I've been down this road, walking down the line that's painted by pride." This fellow said, "This is it. This is it. This is life, the one you got, so go and have a ball." He told her, "Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?"
Time passed. Then, one day, as he was shooting at some food, up through the ground came a bubblin' crude. Oil, that is. Black gold. Texas tea.
They were rescued. The rescue ship captain said, "Welcome back. Your dreams were your ticket out. Welcome back. To that same old place that you laughed about."
Y'all come back now, y'hear?

 

[moreluck]

High School Metaphors.........

Some metaphors written by students in high school English class....

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left New York at 6:36 PM traveling west at 55 mph, the other from Chicago at 4:19 PM traveling east at a speed of 35 mph.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

 

[moreluck]

Staying Awake......

Tech support people like me spend our days on the phone with customers. Many like to chat while waiting for their computers to reboot. One man told me he'd been a long-haul truck driver.

I'd love to drive a big rig," I said, "but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel."

"Here's a tip to stay awake," he offered. "Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window."

 

[moreluck]

Three women go down to Mexico one night to
celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in
jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the
morning, though none of them can remember what they did the
night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair

and is asked if she has any last words. She says,

'I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and

believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the

behalf of the innocent.' They throw the switch and

nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the

floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release

her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her

last words. 'I just gradua ed from the
Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice
to intervene on the part of the innocent.' They throw
the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all
immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and
release her.


The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and

says, 'Well, I just graduated from the 

University of Alabama with a degree in Electrical

Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll

ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug

this thing in.