Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

... I thought I should share this with all of you.

What do these words have in common.


Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Assess


Are you peeking or have you already given up?

Give it another try . . .


You will kick yourself when you discover the answer.
Go back and look at them again; think hard.


OK . Here You Go . . . Hope You Didn't Cheat.






This Is Cool.


Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the
end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

Did you figure it out? Even if you didn't, don't worry. Just send it to
> more people and stump them; then, you'll feel better, too.

>
>

 

[moreluck]

The Church Gossiper.....

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone who saw it
parked there would know exactly what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then
just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend , or deny... He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... Walked home.. And left it there all night.

You Gotta love George...

 

[moreluck]

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He
didn't want his mother to walk with him.

She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet
know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it.

She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the
mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She
said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a
good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed. The next
school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind
Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew.

She did this for the whole week. As the two walked and chatted, kicking
stones and twigs, Timmy’s little friend noticed the same lady was
following them as she seemed to do every day all week.

Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to
school all week? Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'
'Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?' 'Well,' Timmy
explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my
prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the P salm, it says,
'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I
guess I'll just have to get used to it!'


May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.
I know you smiled! I sure did.

 

[moreluck]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and
point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ASK If They Want
Fries with that.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The
Prophecy.'

9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks
you get.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious
face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical
Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
Party Because You have a headache.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling
'Run For ! Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are
Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
It ' s Called ... THERAPY

 

[moreluck]

You learn something every day ..................



Well, I would like to share this with you. Yesterday I went to throw
out an empty Reynolds foil box and for some reason I turned it andlooked at the end of the box. And written on the end it said, Presshere to lock end. Right there on the end of the box is a tab to lockthe roll in place. How long has this little locking tab been there?

I then looked at a generic brand of aluminum foil and it had one, too. I then looked at a box of Saran wrap and it had one too! I cant count the number of times the Saran warp roll has jumped out when I was trying to cover something up.

Im sharing this with my friends that did not know this. If you all ready know this, delete this message and don't e-mail me and make me feel dumberthan I already feel. Hope I'm not the only person that didn't know about this.

 

[dilligaf]

You learn something every day ..................



Well, I would like to share this with you. Yesterday I went to throw
out an empty Reynolds foil box and for some reason I turned it andlooked at the end of the box. And written on the end it said, Presshere to lock end. Right there on the end of the box is a tab to lockthe roll in place. How long has this little locking tab been there?

I then looked at a generic brand of aluminum foil and it had one, too. I then looked at a box of Saran wrap and it had one too! I cant count the number of times the Saran warp roll has jumped out when I was trying to cover something up.

Im sharing this with my friends that did not know this. If you all ready know this, delete this message and don't e-mail me and make me feel dumberthan I already feel. Hope I'm not the only person that didn't know about this.

WOW I learned something new!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

 

[moreluck]

DOCTOR APPOINTMENT

It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 a.m., when an elderly gentleman in his 80s, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On examination, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.

I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"

He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."

 

[moreluck]

Three Cowboys.........

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie,
each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales
begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why,
just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men
before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking
down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a
rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit
its head off, and sucked the venom down in one gulp. And I'm still here
today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
penis.

 

[moreluck]

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum......


Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.


Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through
menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can
finish the basement. When you are done you will have a
place to live.


Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in
the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all
the way to Egypt."


Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+
year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.


Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the
elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.


Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and
all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.


Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.


Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.


Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.


Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year
olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."

 

[moreluck]

Pilot & Navigator

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

 

[moreluck]

Sign in a pub in Ireland......

"This establishment closes at 11 o'clock sharp. We are open from 10 a.m. until 11 p.m. and if you haven't had enough to drink at that hour the management feels that you haven't really been trying."

 

[moreluck]

Larry's Tattoo...

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking" she said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed
On his privates"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay
Right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering in room 233 at a local hospital.​

 

[moreluck]

Young Pilot....

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.

Instead of making any official request to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

 

[moreluck]

Grocery Shopping​

A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping.

The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.

'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies...'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!'

 

[moreluck]

Success........

A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder.
Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds.
Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life.
Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons,
and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man
climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman
slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any
means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to
success, "she says.
Again, the man elects to continue his climb.
Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually
attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or
climb the ladder to success."
Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as
he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing.
A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his
life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex
with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, needless to say he is
*very* tempted.
But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to
climb higher.
On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in
his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty..... "Who are you?" our
climber asks in horror. Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at
him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess.

 

[moreluck]

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child ..."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."

The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"

The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."

The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis and a brain?"

 

[moreluck]

White House Breakfast

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House. The attractive young waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, 'I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

''Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton," and the she storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.......................................

"It's pronounced 'quiche.'"

 

[moreluck]

The Clothes Line. Do you remember?


The clothes line....a dead give away. Do the kids today even know what a clothes line is?
For all of us who are older, this will bring back the memories.

THE BASIC RULES
1. You had to wash the clothes line before hanging any clothes.
Walk the length of each line with a damp cloth around the line.

2. You had to hang the clothes in a certain order and always hang
whites with whites and hang them first.

3. You never hung a shirt by the shoulders, always by the tail.
What would the neighbors think?

4. Wash day on a Monday...........never hang clothes on the weekend or Sunday for heaven's sake!

5. Hang the sheets and towels on the outside lines so you could hide your 'unmentionables' in the middle.

6. It didn't matter if it was sub zero weather.............clothes would 'freeze dry.'

7. Always gather the clothes pins when taking down dry clothes. Pins left on the line was 'tacky'.

8. If you were efficient, you would line the clothes up so that each item did not need two clothes pins, but shared one of the
clothes pins with the next washed item.

9. Clothes off of the line before dinner time, neatly folded in the clothes basket and ready to be ironed.

10. IRONED?????????? Well, that's a whole other subject.


A POEM
A clothes line was a news forecast
To neighbors passing by.
There were no secrets you could keep
When clothes were hung to dry.

It also was a friendly link
For neighbors always knew
If company had stopped on by
To spend a night or two.

For then you'd see the "fancy sheets"
And towels upon the line;
You'd see the "company table cloths"
With intricate design.

The line announced a baby's birth
To folks who lived inside
As brand new infant clothes were hung
So carefully with pride.

The ages of the children could
So readily be known
By watching how the sizes changed
You'd know how much they'd grown.
It also told when illness struck,
As extra sheets were hung;
Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,
Haphazardly were strung.
It said, "Gone on vacation now"
When lines hung limp and bare.
It told, "We're back!" when full lines sagged
With not an inch to spare.
New folks in town were scorned upon
If wash was dingy gray,
As neighbors carefully raised their brows,
And looked the other way..

But clotheslines now are of the past
For dryers make work less.
Now what goes on inside a home
Is anybody's guess.
I really miss that way of life.
It was a friendly sign
When neighbors knew each other best
By what hung on the line!

 

[moreluck]

10 Signs You Might Be a Taliban...........

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

9. You own a $1,500 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

4. You've never asked, 'Does this burka make my look big?'

3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

2. A common compliment is, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:

1. You wipe your with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

 

[moreluck]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old
next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come
over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied,
'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric...