Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

The U.S. Open is played this weekend at Torrey Pines Golf Club in La Jolla. Hang gliders leap off high cliffs over the ocean behind the sixth and twelfth tees. No golf course in the world gives a golfer having a really bad round more overall options.

House Democrats blocked a GOP proposal Wednesday to allow offshore oil drilling off the coast of South Florida. This could solve all our problems. After sixty years of struggle we'd finally have oil that was surrounded by Jews instead of Arabs.

Barack Obama was blasted for telling CNBC Tuesday that rising gas prices aren't the problem, the problem is Americans use too much energy. Now it's the voters' fault. It's the first indication that Barack Obama used up all his brain cells beating Hillary.

~Argus Hamilton~

 

[moreluck]

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

 

[moreluck]

Chemical Plant Fire........

One night a fire broke out at the local chemical plant located outside a small town. Before long, it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the president of the chemical company approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that is able to bring them out safely!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After a couple more hours of fighting the fire, the president of the company increased his offer to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files to $100,000.
From the distance a long siren was heard as another firetruck came into view. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of firefighters over 65. To everyone's amazement, the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. The other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort they had never seen before. After some time of intense fighting, the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Jumping for joy, the chemical plant president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old folks individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The firetruck driver looked him in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the brakes on that truck!"

 

[moreluck]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car

 

[moreluck]

Signs you are a new father.............

Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.

The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.

You are used to doing everything one-handed.

The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.

The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.

Your idea of romance is hand-holding.

You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."

You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based upon how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color.

 

[moreluck]

Bob & Debbie


It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over sensitive and there is nothing worse than an over sensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me tell you how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took early retirement last year it became necessary for Debbie to get a full time job along with her part-time job, to enable us to maintain a decent standard of living.

Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf-course about the same time as she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am she says she has to rest for a half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her or complain. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets the dinner on the table. I usually have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club but I am always ready for some home cooked food when I get home.


She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the dinner table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her many times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I think she really appreciates this as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she says it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

But Boys, we take them for better or worse so just smile and offer encouragement. I advise her to stretch it out over two or even three days - that way she won't to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her. Tact is one of my strong points!

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the garden. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair-minded man. I tell her to make herself a nice big glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and take a breather. And if she is making one for herself she can make one for me too.

I know I probably look like a saint for the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying for a moment that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. Nobody knows more than me how frustrating women become as they get older. However fellas, if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article I will consider that writing it, was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed: Bob


Note: Bob died suddenly last July. The Police report says that he was found with a Callaway extra long 50" Big Bertha driver Golf Club rammed up his a*** with only two inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder. However, the all women jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Bob had accidentally sat down on it.

 

[moreluck]

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing?"

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class?"

 

[moreluck]

Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?

A: Nudity.

 

[moreluck]

Q: What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told the b*tch twice.

 

[moreluck]

Be Thankful..........

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something, For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations, because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge, because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you are tired and weary, because it means you have made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.

Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.

 

[moreluck]

President Bush is traveling in Europe. He was in Venice, Italy. When he saw the street waterways, he said, “Don’t worry — FEMA is on the way.”

 

[moreluck]

My little niece, Kelly, went with a neighbor girl to church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the "Host," in this case, a piece of bread, he says, "God be with you."

Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelly took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice, "God will get you."

 

[feeder53]

Found this on Denverbrown.


You May Be a UPS Driver If............

You watch the clock at work hoping you have more time left to work rather than less.

You think Christmas is a 4 letter word.

Putting on a brown shirt makes you feel like Superman.

You start to yawn when your friends talk about the high cost of their health insurance.

You can't talk to anyone for over a minute without turning and starting to walk away.

You can eat with your fingers no matter how dirty your hands are.

You drink two gallons of water a day in the summer and never have to go to the bathroom.

You get off work before 6 o'clock and it feels like you had the afternoon off.
Your favorite day in the neighborhood is trash day.

You have more brown pens at home than silverware.

You take the family on a road trip and make the kids to pee in cups so you don't have to stop.

When you see a brown truck on the street you immediately begin to critique the driver's methods.

 

[moreluck]

Lost Churches of Louisiana

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a woman from New Orleans . The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the New Orleans woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, 'I don't know about all those other people, but we haven't gone to Churches in years. We git all our chicken from Popeye's'.

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

 

[moreluck]

Open Season........

A truck driver from out of town goes into the local grill and sits down for lunch. In walks this guy carrying a briefcase and wearing a polyester suit and a bow tie. The cook comes out from the kitchen, pulls out a gun and shoots the guy without a word. The trucker jumps back and screams, "Whatcha do that for!?" The cook replied, "You must not be from around here. It's open season on lawyers." The trucker smiles and eats his lunch.

After he finishes his lunch, the trucker gets in his rig. As he's driving away, he sees a huge pothole in the middle of the street and gets an idea. The tractor hits the pothole, turns on its side and slides into a telephone pole.
All of the sudden, the truck is surrounded by men in cheap polyester suits and bow ties sticking business cards through the broken windshield. The trucker pulls his gun out of the glove box and starts shooting lawyers as fast as he can.
As the trucker pauses to reload, a police officer slaps the cuffs on him and says, "That will be enough of that." "But officer," the trucker pleads, "I thought it was open season on lawyers." "Well, sure it is boy, but you can't bait them!"

 

[moreluck]

On Becoming Illegal


Becoming Illegal (Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance.I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems friend rom the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted.If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years.I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine.Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider.Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums.This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent ,
Donald Ruppert
Burlington , IA

Get your Forms NOW!Call your Internal Revenue Service 1-800-289-1040.FORMS ARE GOING FAST- SIGN UP TODAY!

Please pass this on to your friends so they can save on this great offer

 

[moreluck]

You Might Be From Montana if.....

The wind is faster than your truck.
You own more than four pairs of gloves.
Every other vehicle is a 4x4.
The sun goes down and you immediately grab your coat.
In March your vehicle is 43% mud.
You leave your keys in your car and the next morning it's still there.
You installed your new computer using a Leatherman tool.
Wolves are naturally free and house cats are on a leash.
You hear the words "stream" or "brook" pronounced as "crick".
The elevation exceeds the population of your town.
Monday night football starts at 7:00, instead of 9:00.
The jug of milk on your porch is frozen.
Your vehicle is broken down on the highway and someone stops to help you ... and you trust them!
(That was also true in Kodiak, Alaska. - Tom)
You can pay for a "Big Mac" with a personal check.
There's a Bison in your lane.
Your central heating system is fueled by large logs.
You can see the stars at night.
People drive 200+ miles to shop at a mall.
Your great grandmother is older than the courthouse.
You got a set of new snow tires for Valentine's Day.
Your minister shows up Sunday morning wearing Carhartt coveralls.
More than 1/2 the meat in your freezer is Elk.
The term "wind chill factor" is part of your daily vocabulary.
The bumper jack in your pickup will lift a house.
Your backyard smells like sagebrush (or the nearest feedlot).
You put on a pair of snowboots to get the morning paper.
You enjoy a hot chocolate more than a margarita.
A girls' basketball game fills the school gym.
You put the car heater on your list of best friends.
You slept through the night undisturbed by a siren ... or a train!
A rodeo is more popular than a Madonna concert.
Tractors are a normal part of traffic.
You use your back porch as a freezer from October thru May.
Your telephone book is smaller than most magazines.
You have made jerky at least once in your life.
You think it's normal to replace your cracked windshield every spring when you take off the studded snow tires.
Dressing up means wearing a clean flannel shirt and jeans that aren't too dirty.
You pronounce Kootenai as "COOT-nee".
You can tell it was a bad winter because there are only 50 or 60 deer grazing at the edge of town.
You've seen so many bald eagles you don't even pay attention to them anymore.
You go around in shorts when it's 45 degrees (friend) outside.
You think a blacktop road (without stripes) that averages 12 feet wide qualifies as a highway.
You consider someone a neighbor if they only live 6 or 7 miles away.
You wave to every car on the highway, whether you're on foot or driving or even sitting on the creek bank with your back to the road.
You ignore the center line and drive on whichever part of the road is smoothest, driest, or feels safest.
Your idea of Mexican cuisine is Elk Chili and Bear Tacos.
You know what "Montana Potatoes" are.
You've patched your jeans by using duct tape.
(Doesn't everyone? -Tom)
You local Radio Shack sells guns, chainsaws, and satellite dishes.
You love the BIG SKY!

 

[moreluck]

On Religion:

• If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
• Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.
• Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.
• The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
• Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.
• I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time.
• Thank God I'm an atheist.
• The more you complain the longer God makes you live.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?

 

[moreluck]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY .............


OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.
Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!

Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel !!!

 

[moreluck]

Retirement in Florida.......

For those of you contemplating retirement, I would like to share
my retirement experiences with you, which I hope will be helpful.

A few years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development
in central Florida. The last time we saw our grandkids was
on Grandchildren's Day when they were dragged down by their parents.
We were living in the Cypress Creek Village, Swimming, Shuffleboard,
Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club near Lake Fake-a-hachee.
(There are 3000 lakes in Florida, only 3 are real).

It would be great if the kids came down to visit us this winter, as there
is so much going on. Back by popular demand, the feisty,
Hip Replacement Tappers Club will be tap dancing to the
Flight Of The Bumble Bee. It promises to be quite a production with
lots of singing and dancing. This year I am not in the cast but will be
standing by with the defibrillator volunteers.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were
we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a
problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities.
Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where
you parked takes 20 minutes. It takes 1/2 hour on the check-out line
in Wal-Mart and 1 hour to return the item the next day. Then of course,
there are the visits to the doctor's and dentist's offices.

Let me take you through a typical day.
We get up at 5:00am; have a quick breakfast and join the early
morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 10 of us and rain or
shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every
development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. After a
nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go
back home, shower and change for the next activity.

My wife goes directly to the clubhouse for her Zumba
class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR.

I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my mid-calf
shorts, my socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a
nice nap. Before you know it it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to
partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hairnets.

All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor
appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white
belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.

We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People
start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by
3:45 because we are late eaters. The dinners are very popular
because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough
food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread,
crackers, sweet-and-low packets and mints.

At 5:30 we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30
we're fast asleep. Then we get up to make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom
during the night and soon it's time to get up and start a new day all
over again.

Doctor related activities will eat up most of your retirement time.
I enjoy reading old magazines in sub zero temperatures in the
waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results will also help
the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through
the doctor's phone menu. Then there is the hold time until you are
connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you are holding,
and the whole office goes to lunch.

Many of the receptionists are quite rude. They keep you standing
at that dopey little, closed glass window, totally ignoring you. After
1/2 an hr, I ignore the 'Do not tap on the window' sign and tap on
the window. This always drives them nuts. If you do, they put down
their Egg McMuffin or their copy of the Enquirer, and fling open the
window, ready for a fight. I lie, explaining I tapped on the window
accidentally because I have Parkinson's.

They claim they are required to keep the window closed because of
the privacy law but I don't believe it. Are they afraid if I were to
overhear that my neighbor has hemorrhoids, that I would blackmail
him or sell the information to a foreign government? In Florida
everyone has hemorrhoids!

Should one find they still have time on their hands, volunteering
provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate.

Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet tall
and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically
Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team---'The Arthritic
Avengers.' The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from the floor. You should
see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam-dunk.

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders'
as we call them because they can't reach the items on the upper
shelves. There are many foods they have never tasted. Whenever I see
one of them struggling to reach a jar on the high shelf, I rush over
to lend a hand. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where
they parked their cars. They wander the parking lot for hours
looking for their car while their food defrosts.

Choosing a development with suitable amenities is an important
decision. The various clubs in these communities provide most of the
activities. Our development has over 300 clubs. There's something
for everyone. Clubs like the kidney-donating club, the Taliban Club,
the East meets West club, not to be confused with the West meets
East club, etc. A truly active community is one where the ambulance
is there several times a day and is part of the Travel Club.

Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive
name. Village names are very popular in Florida. They convey...
world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you
rather live... Murray's Mobiles or Cypress Creek Village? There is
no difference. They are usually both owned by Murray!

The Village names appeal to those name-dropping, phony snowbirds
that are out to impress their friends up north. I once heard someone
say ...we spend our summers in the Catskills, but we winter at
Cypress Creek Village in Central Florida. I have been to central Florida.
There are old people, alligators and snakes!

I hope this material has been of some help to you future retirees.
If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're
in Florida. I live in The Leaning Mobile of Pisa on Cypress Lane.