Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

The all time top euphemisms for impotence...

15. 180 degrees shy of heaven

14. Performing with Flaccido Domingo

13. A few parts shy of an erector set

12. Sch-wing and a miss

11. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense

10. The Null Monty

9. Disappointing Miss Daisy

8. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics

7. Ascension Deficit Disorder

6. Bouncing the Check of Love

5. Less-than-Magic Johnson

4. All Doled up with nowhere to go

3. Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You

2. Serving boneless pork

1. Unleavened Man-Bread

 

[moreluck]

Natural Laws......

"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"The Law of Motivation"
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

"Boob's Law"
You always find something in the last place you look.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkedness"
You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

 

[moreluck]

Tough​

An acquaintance of mine, whose daughter was about to be married, decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it.
She agreed, but said that, instead of a fee she would accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.
A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.
"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next table. "These Texas women are tough!"

 

[moreluck]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what needs to be fixed."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard's caught in cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

 

[moreluck]

From Argus Hamilton:

Men's Health released a report Monday urging men to have an active sex life as they grow older. It says middle-aged men who have sex once a month are much less likely to die suddenly. However, the chances increase if their wives find out about it.

Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper's State of the City speech was sabotaged Wednesday by a black woman hired to sing the National Anthem. She sang the black national anthem instead. It's the last time he books a singer from the Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago.

 

[hseofpayne]

Took this girl out for dinner one night and during the course of conversation she said," I guess I should tell you that I am bi-polar". I looked at her with a straight face and replied, " I'm sorry, I just like girls!"

 

[moreluck]

You might be a teacher if...................



1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

3. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free".

4. You believe chocolate is a food group.

5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

6. You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.

7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.

8. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

9. You have no life between August to June.

10. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.

11. When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

12. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

13. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

14. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."

15. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.

16. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.

17. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.

18. You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.

19. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.

20. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

21. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."

22. You smile weakly, and want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN every day. This must be like playtime for you."

23. Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.

24. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

 

[moreluck]

Little Johnny's at it again.....
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
* * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny' s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'
* * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy mom.'

 

[moreluck]

Ethical Question​

A lawyer is speaking to his son about ethics. "Suppose son, that one day a gentleman comes into my office with a simple question. Upon answering the man's question, I charge him $100.00. He is outraged at the bill for such a simple question but agrees to pay.
The man reaches in his wallet and grabs a hundred dollar bill and thrusts the money into my hand. Upon his leaving, I notice that the man has, in fact, given me two $100.00 bills.

Now the ethical question: Do I share that money with my partner?"

 

[moreluck]

You know you're old when you have owned an album for 3 or more decades in 5 different formats.

In 1978 - 8-track tape.
In 1983 - Cassette tape.
In 1987 - Vinyl.
In 1994 - CD.
In 2008 - MP3.

 

[moreluck]

A PARENT'S GLOSSARY OF KIDS KITCHEN TERMS:

APPETIZING: Anything advertised on TV.

BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.

CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.

CHAIR: Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.

COOKIE (LAST ONE): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.

CRUST: Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of another country.

DESSERTS: The reason for eating a meal.

EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.

FAT: Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.

FLOOR: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.

FORK: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.

FRIED FOODS: Gourmet cooking

FROZEN: Condition of children's jaws when Spinach is served.

FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.

GERMS: The only thing kids will share freely.

KITCHEN: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.

LEFTOVERS: Commonly described as "gross."

LIVER: A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.

LOLLIPOP: A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.

MACARONI: Material for a collage.

MEASURING CUP: A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.

NAPKIN: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.

NATURAL FOOD: Food eaten with unwashed hands.

NUTRITION: Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant guard duty.

PLATE: A breakable Frisbee.

REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.

SALIVA: A medium for blowing bubbles.

SODA POP: Shake'N Spray.

TABLE: A place for storing gum.

TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument

THIRSTY: How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."

VEGETABLE: A basic food known to satisfy kid's hunger —but only by sight.

WATER: The cola of underdeveloped countries.

 

[moreluck]

LETTER TO MY DOG

Dear Dog:

Since you seem to have so much trouble processing the English language no matter how loudly it is spoken to you, I thought perhaps I could communicate with you more effectively if I wrote down my thoughts.

First, please allow me to assure you that you are not starving. In fact, if the newspapers bothered to publish a canine version of those irritating "body-mass indices" that my daughter so delights in reading aloud to me, I'm sure we would discover that you've got far more waddle in your walk than is strictly necessary. The way you visually track every bite of food I take, with a trembling expression of frantic pleading, is most annoying.

Speaking of walks: We've been taking the same route around the same block for nine years. For you to sob, whine, and tremble every time I get out your leash is just crazy.

And would you please stop rolling in road kill? Dead animals smell like...well, like dead fish. There is a reason I give you a bath every single time you roll in something--it is NOT a coincidence.

Here's a news flash: Our next-door neighbors LIVE THERE. They have a right to be in their own yard! Stop barking at them through our windows! Your crazed fury is especially irritating in view of the fact that when you actually encounter them in person you flop on your back and let them rub your tummy. As a guard dog, you're about as intimidating as a gerbil.

The following are not digestible: Balloons. Crayons. Socks. I can show you evidence out in the yard. Stop eating them; they are not food!

I do not mind rolling down the window for you when we are in the car. I don't even mind that the air rushing up your nostrils makes you sneeze. What I do mind is that you always pull your head into the car to share your sneeze with the back of my neck. Keep your head in or out, that's all I ask.

Our front door is three inches of solid wood; you can not tunnel through it. Stop clawing! Don't we always let you out when you need to go?

The bushes in the back yard cost a lot of money, but there is nothing of value hidden under them. Stop digging for buried treasure!

The stuff in the trash can is not your food. Oh, and your expression of shocked innocence when we accuse you of dining at the garbage buffet is not nearly as persuasive as the forensic evidence left strewn around the kitchen. Stop blaming the cat; she doesn't eat anything that costs less than a dollar an ounce.

Oh, and speaking of the cat, just because she gets to sleep on the bed doesn't mean that you do too. Did you think we wouldn't notice all the dog fur on our bedspread when we got home?

And another thing: I do not wake up at the same time every day! On days we don't work, we're allowed to sleep past our normal waking time. Stop licking my face because your internal clock says it is time for breakfast. Don't dogs DO weekends?

Look, you do make me crazy sometimes. But I suppose I have to admit that even though you're lazy (you probably won't even bother to read this letter!) and don't seem very bright, you do have your positive attributes. You're the only one in the family who will get up and pace with me in front of the window when it's past curfew and my teenage daughter is parked in the driveway with her date. You're the only one who likes my cooking, and you share my opinion that we don't need a cat. After nine years of living with you, I suppose life just wouldn't be the same without you.

Wanna go for a walk?

 

[moreluck]

Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore Because the word 'God' is mentioned....
A kid in Arizona wrote the essay below:


NEW School prayer:
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.



If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.



Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.



For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.



We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.



We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.



It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen

 

[moreluck]

Tarzan Not Know Sex....

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she
was attracted to him, and
during her questions about his life, she asked him
how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied. Jane explained to
him what sex was.

Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk
of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong,
but I will show you how
to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and laid down on the
ground. 'Here' she said,
pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his
considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an
eternity. Eventually she
managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you
do that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

 

[moreluck]

Airplane.....

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure in the plane, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.

 

[moreluck]

The Broken Lawn Mower

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is usually the husband. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, The car, email, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I
arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her
a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as
well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a
limp.

 

[moreluck]

Chuckles You Can Tell in Church!


Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"



An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup.

 

[moreluck]

The Pope Visits Alaska.........

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sight seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To hell with Bush" T-Shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

 

[moreluck]

Things I have learned living in North Carolina ......

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road .

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in North Carolina

3.. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in North Carolina , plus a couple no one's seen before

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5.'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words

6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

7. 'Jaw-P?' means 'Did y'all go to the bathroom?'

8.People actually grow and eat okra.

9. 'Fixinto' is one word.

10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar

12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'

13. The word 'Jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.


MORE YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM NORTH CAROLINA IF:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

3. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

4. You know what a 'DAWG' is.

5. You carry jumper cables in your car .. For your OWN car.

6. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and Ketchup.

7. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip an d motorsports.

8. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

9. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.

10. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Christmas.

11. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World' or off to 'Wal-Mart's'.

12. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather

13. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

14. We don't need no dang driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dag-nabbit.

15. You understand these jokes and forward them to your North Carolina friends and those who just wish they were from North Carolina .

 

[moreluck]

Pick pocket

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him -- his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it. One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!"

Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"