Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

Position: Mom

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work various hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: This is for the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and embarrassed the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

 

[moreluck]

The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"
One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!"

To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.

As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.

As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend.

"You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "This is good!"

"What do you mean, 'This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"

"If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you!"

 

[moreluck]

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was
about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

 

[moreluck]

What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover







What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)

1. Nice Looking preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week







What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)

1. Not too ugly bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady, splurges on dinner at McDonnald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screwtop lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends







What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't retell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends







What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...







What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)

1. Breathing

 

[moreluck]

The Canadians are going to help America with the war on terrorism. They have pledged 2 of their biggest battle ships, 6000 ground troops and 6 fighter jets.



However, after the American exchange rate we ended up with 2 Mounties, 1 canoe, and some flying squirrels.

 

[moreluck]

Men, Women & Marriage....

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend...Husband knows everything!!!

A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.

My husband has only lived up to one of all the things he said before we were married; He said he wasn't good enough for me.

How can a woman marry a rich, gorgeous, sensitive and intelligent man? Easy! She just has to marry four times.

There are three times when a woman doesn't understand a man. Before marriage, during marriage and after marriage.

Marriage is very much like having lunch with a friend. You order what you want, then when you see what your friend has, you wish you had ordered that.

Before marriage a man will lay awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.

 

[moreluck]

Mega Morons!


MEGA maroon #1

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15.

[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]



MEGA maroon #2

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.



MEGA maroon #3

Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on video tape.



MEGA maroon #4

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."



MEGA maroon #5

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.



MEGA maroon #6
And 5 Star Stupidity Award Winner!

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

 

[moreluck]

LAWS OF .....

* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to
eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the
bottom of the grocery bag.

* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

* Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.

* Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.

 

[moreluck]

> THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
> > > > >> > > (This will help you keep up with the times.)
> > > > >> > > Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.=
> > > > >> > > Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.=
> > > > >> > > There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.=
> > > > >> > > The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
=
> > > > >> > > A shark is the only fish that can blink with both
eyes.=
> > > > >> > > There are more chickens than people in the world.=
> > > > >> > > |Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New
> > Jersey.=
> > > > >> > > The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
> > "screeched."=
> > > > >> > > | On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
> > Parliament=
> > > > >> > > building is an American flag.=
> > > > >> > > All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck
> > on 4:20.=
> > > > >> > > No word in the English language rhymes with month,
> > orange, silver, or purple.=
> > > > >> > > "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the
> > letters "mt".=
> > > > >> > > All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln
> > Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.=
> > > > >> > > Almonds are a member of the peach family.
> > > > >> > > Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a
> > dance.=
> > > > >> > > Maine is the only state whose name is just onesyllable.=
> > > > >> > > There are only four words in the English language which
> > end=
> > > > >> > > in"dous":tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and
> > hazardous.=
> > > > >> > > Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora =
> > la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula." =
> > > > >> > > A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.=
> > > > >> > > An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.=
> > > > >> > > Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.=
> > > > >> > > In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch i
> > 10:10.
> > > > >> > > Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture
> > dealer
> > |The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street
> > were named after=
> > > > >> Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank
> > Capra's "It's a wonderful Life."=
> > > > >> > > A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.=
> > > > >> > > A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.=
> > > > >> > > A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.=
> > > > >> > > It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.=
> > > > >> > > The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.=
> > > > >> > > In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to
> > speak.=
> > > > >> > > The microwave was invented after a researcher walked
> > by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in
> > his pocket.=
> > > > >> > > Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister and was a sniper in
> > Vietnam.=
> > > > >> > > The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.=
> > > > >> > > There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.=
> > > > >> > > Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with
> > only the=
> > > > >> > > left hand...now you know everything...You could be a
> > TEENAGER!=
> >

 

[moreluck]

Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible:

The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
(I used this one alot when I was a kid...wait...I still do!)

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
(Used by Bill Clinton...Monica who?)

Moses died before he ever reached the UK.
(Lucky for him that is.)

Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
(What...they launch their Depends at 'em?)

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times.
(and still alive and residing in Hackensack, N.J.)

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
(Hey...he needed the extra pricks.)

The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
(Hey testicle...I have headache. Aw SHUT UP an keep wandering!)

 

[moreluck]

> Star Trek
>
> The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech and walks
> out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.
>
> They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just
one
> question about what I have seen in America."
>
> President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you,
I
> will do."
>
> The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there
are
> Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset.
He
> doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
>
> President Bush laughs, leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's
> because it takes place in the future...."

 

[moreluck]

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a...





Are you ready for this?









A Common Tater!

 

[moreluck]

Wit & Wisdom


1. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.

3. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

4. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the
right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.

5. A penny saved is a government oversight.

6. He who hesitates is probably right.

7. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

8. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.

10. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind
to blame.

13. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat are really good friends.

14. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

15. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

 

[moreluck]

(HOROSCOPES FOR SOUTHERNERS)



WHAT'S Y'ALL'S SIGN???

It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs haven't served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no water bearers.

THE NEW SIGNS

Okra

Dec. 22-Jan. 20

Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

Chitlin

Jan. 21-Feb. 19

Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if
he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

Boll Weevil

Feb. 20-March 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

Moon Pie

March 21-April 20

You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

Possum

April 21-May 21

When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

Crawfish

May 22-June 21

Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically.

Collards

June 22-July 23

Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

Catfish

July 24-Aug. 23

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

Grits

Aug. 24-Sept. 23

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

Boiled Peanuts

Sept. 24-Oct. 23

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

Butter Bean

Oct. 24-Nov. 22

Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

Armadillo

Nov. 23-Dec. 21

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating possibility.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Golf



A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit
his
ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between

two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, he
took
another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the
forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and
asked,
"Are you a good golfer?" to which the man replied, "Got here in two,
didn't
I?"
============================================================
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom
was
standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side. She said, "What
are
your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all
day,
is it?"
============================================================
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined
the
local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but
was
told there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already
out
on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.

Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how
many
strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said "I really don't need
any
strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have
is
getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even.
The
pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for
par.
The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand
trap
next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball which
landed
softly on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the

money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still
standing
in the trap. He said. "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a
problem getting out of sand traps?".

Replied the octogenarian, "I do. Please give me a hand getting out of
here." ===========================================================
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary
for
her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her
that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and
then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died." Amused at the
woman's
thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all
obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it
read,
"Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale."

 

[moreluck]

Bra Sizes....

Have you ever wondered why the letters A, B, C, D, DD, E and friend are used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but have been unable to figure out what the letters stand for....Here is the chance for you to become informed!

(A) - Almost Boobs.
(B) - Barely Boobs.
(C) - Can't Complain!
(D) - Dang!
(DD) - Double Dang!
(E) - Enormous!
(friend) - Fake.

 

[moreluck]

WHEN GOD CREATED MOTHERS





When the good Lord was creating mothers, he was into his sixth day of overtime, when an angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
And the Lord said, "Have you read the spec on this one? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic; have 180 moveable parts, all replaceable;run on black coffee and leftovers; have a lap that disappears when she stands up, a kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair, and six pair of hands.
"The angel shook her head slowly and said,"Six pairs of hands...no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord."It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, "What are you kids doing in there?" when she already knows. Another here, in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't, but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say, "I understand and I love you," without so much as uttering a word."
"Lord,"said the angel, touching his sleeve gently, "Rest for now. Tomorrow..."
"I can't," said the Lord. "I'm so close to creating something close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick, can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower.
"The angel circled the model of the mother very slowly."She's too soft," she sighed.
"But tough!" said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what the mother can do or endure."
"Can she think?"
"Not only think, but she can reason and compromise,"said the Creator. Finally the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek.
"There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you, you were trying to put too much into this model."
"It's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear."
"What's it for?"
"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness and pride."
"You're a genius," said the angel. The Lord looked somber, "I didn't put it there."

(Erma Bombeck)

 

[moreluck]

Two elderly widows were sitting on a park bench watching the people go by.

"You know, Rose," Maude said, "I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they seem to talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here, 'mutual orgasm' there. Tell me, when Fred was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Rose pondered the question for a few minutes, shook her head and replied, "No, Maude, I'm sure we had State Farm."

 

[moreluck]

Trouble Hearing...
Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offering.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offering. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."

Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?" Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you."

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"

To which the priest replied, "By golly, you can't hear in here!"

 

[moreluck]

Chocolate Ice Cream, Please!


A man walks into an ice cream parlor and says "Can I have a pint of chocolate ice cream, please?"

The clerk looks up and says "Sorry sir, but we don't have any chocolate left."

After careful pondering the man says, "OK, I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream, then"

The clerk grows frustrated and replies "No, I'm sorry, there IS NO CHOCOLATE."

The man apologizes and stares at the menu for a while, and then says "Fine, give me just one scoop of chocolate ice cream please."

The clerk takes a breath and says "Sir, could you please spell VAN, as in Vanilla?"

The man is intrigued, and so spells out "V-A-N."

The clerk nods. "Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry, please?"

"S-T-R-A-W", replies the man.

"And finally, spell STINK, as in chocolate?"

The man starts to say "S-T... wait a minute, there's no 'stink' in chocolate!"

"NOW we understand each other!" the clerk exclaims.