Heard any good ones?

[moreluck]

A Few Times When It's OK To Use The "friend" Word.....

10. "What the friend---was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
>
>9. " Where did all of those friend---ing Indians come from?"
> - Custer, 1877
>
>8. " Any friend---ing idiot could understand that."
> - Einstein, 1938
>
>7. "It does so friend---ing look like her."
> - Picasso, 1926
>
>6. " How the friend--- did you work that out?"
> - Pythagoras, 126 BC
>
>5. "You want WHAT on the friend---ing ceiling?"
> - Michelango, 1566
>
>4. " OK, Where the friend--- are we?"
> - Amelia Earhart, 1937
>
>3. "Scattered friend---ing showers....... my ass!"
> - Noah, 4314 BC
>
>2. "Aw c'mon, who the friend--- is ever going to find out?"
> - Bill Clinton, 1999
>
> AND. . . . . . DRUM ROLLLLLLLL.....
>
>1. " Geez, I didn't think they would get that friend---ing mad."
> - Osama bin laden, November 2001
>

 

[moreluck]

> A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They
> couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
> just walk home.
> .
> On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and
> an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up
> a couple of chickens and a goose.
> .
> However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases
> home.
> The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the
> bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in
> your other hand?"
> "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.
> .
> But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told
> him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603
> Mockingbird Lane?"
> The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird
> Lane. I take the short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in
> no time."
> .
> The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a
> lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when
> we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
> skirt, and ravish me?"
> .
> The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil,
> two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
> up against the wall and do that?"
> .
> The lady said, "Well, you could set the goose down, cover him with the
> bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

[moreluck]

In the first Freshman English class of the semester, the professor stated "Let us establish some examples about opposites.

Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student.



"Fine. And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?" "Elation," she replied with a smile.



"Very good. And you, Mr. Cates, what is the opposite of woe?" "I believe that would be 'giddy up'".....

 

[moreluck]

HOW DID WE SURVIVE?

Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in
the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when
we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention hitchhiking to town as
a young kid!)

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.

We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never
overweight.... we were always outside playing.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't
had to learn to deal with disappointment.....

Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were
held back to repeat the same grade.....

That generation produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to
deal with it all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!

 

[moreluck]

Some lessons learned in life:

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.

No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

 

[moreluck]

You Know You're In Trouble When...

A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.
The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
The little league puts you on waivers.
The moths in your money belt starve to death.
The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked "Zurich".
Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
Your wife starts charging you rent.
A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
There are two elephants, two giraffes, and two zebras in your yard and your next door neighbor is building an arc.
They pay your wages out of petty cash.
You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.

 

[smf0605]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

 

[moreluck]

Daily Affirmations for the Unstable


I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.


I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.


As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.


Joan of Arc heard voices too.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.


As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.


Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

 

[moreluck]

I just love the last one and I'm thinking of making it my motto.

> KITCHEN SIGNS....
>
> * Kitchen closed - this chick (or dude?) has had it!
>
> * Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
>
> * I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat, too!
>
> * Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it
> yourself!
>
> * You may touch the dust in this house, but please
> don't write in it!
>
> * If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
>
> * I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener!
>
> * I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
>
> * If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your
> standards.
>
> * A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen
> is delirious.
>
> * Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
>
> * Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen
> and gone on to lead normal lives.
>
> * My house was clean last week; too bad you missed it!

 

[moreluck]

> This Will Make You Think
>
> If you think a gallon of gas is too expensive, the following will make you
> think again. This puts things in perspective.
>
> Diet Snapple 16 oz
> $1.29.....$10.32 per gallon
>
> Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz
> $1.19.....$9.52 per gallon
>
> Gatorade 20 oz
> $1.59.....$10.17 per gallon
>
> Ocean Spray 16 oz
> $1.25...$10.00 per gallon
>
> Brake Fluid 12 oz
> $3.15.....$33.60 per gallon
>
> Vick's Nyquil 6 oz
> $8.35.....$178.13 per gallon
>
> Pepto Bismol 4 oz
> $3.58.....$123.20 per gallon
>
> Whiteout 7 oz
> $1.39.....$25.42 per gallon
>
> Scope 1.5 oz
> $0.99.....$84.48 per gallon
>
> And now, the REAL KICKER
>
> Evian water 9 oz
> $1.49.....$21.19 per gallon
>
> $21.19 for water? That's hard to imagine. So, the next time you're at the
> pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water!

 

[moreluck]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where

means a smile and

is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by ) and ( respectively. Well, how about some "assicons"?

Here's a few:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_^^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^^o_) a wise ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_)

 

[robonono]

CLASSIC ONE LINERS
1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with
"Guess" on it... so I said "Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9. I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
11. I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and head's.
14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...
now THAT'S a message!
15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
18. I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
20. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
21. Welcome to <font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font><font color="ff0000">•</font> Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles.
22. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
23. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
24. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
25. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
26. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

 

[robonono]

AGING by George Carlin

Do you realize the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about
aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half!"
You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four
and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16!"
You could be 13, but hey, you are going to be 16. And then the greatest day of your life - you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony.
YOU BECOME 21 YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened
there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong?
What's changed?
You BECOME 21.
You TURN 30.
Then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away!!!
Before you know it, you REACH 50... and your dreams are gone.
But wait, you MAKE IT to 60 You didn't think you would!
So you: BECOME 21
TURN 30
PUSH 40
REACH 50
and
MAKE IT to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you... HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; You HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day
is a complete cycle: You HIT lunch. You TURN 4:30.
You REACH bedtime. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas! It's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one!! And it doesn't end there...
Into the 90s, you start going backwards: "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it (healthily) to 100 and a half!

 

[moreluck]

The Jewish Mother....

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
> > going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring
> > over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
> >
> > The mother agrees.
> >
> > The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them
> > down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma.
> > Guess which one I'm going to marry."
> >
> > She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
> >
> > "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
> >
> > "I don't like her."
>

 

[moreluck]

> Clinton's Indiscretions
>
> After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up
with a
> phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called:
SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.
>
> The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has
proven
> that you can get sex from Aides.

> Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything
like
> Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."

> The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's
dress:
> "Presidue."

> Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges: Moorhead, Oral
> Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.

> Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic emblem from a
> donkey to a condom? It represents inflation, halts production, and gives
you
a false sense of security while you are being screwed.

> Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward,
and
> not one is his sister!
>
> Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortuneteller who intoned,
> "Prepare to become widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!"
> Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
>

 

[moreluck]

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith, the School teacher, smiling sweetly said,

"Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly an face, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned!"

 

[moreluck]

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies; they would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. Stress reducer; Put a bag on your head. Mark it "closed for remodeling". *Caution - leave air holes.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

 

[moreluck]

> > > HUSBAND 1.O SOFTWARE
> > > >
> > > > Dear Tech Support:
> > > >
> > > > Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed
> > > > that the new program began making unexpected changes to the
> > > > accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry
applications
> > > > that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
> > > >
> > > > In addition, Husband 1.0 deleted many other valuable programs, such
as
> > > > Romance 9.9 and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0
> > > > and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6
> > > > simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix
> > > > these problems, but to no avail. Can you help?????
> > > >
> > > > Sincerely,
> > > >
> > > > Desperate
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> >
**************************************************************************
> > > > **
> > > > *******
> > > > Dear Desperate,
> > > >
> > > > Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
Husband
> > 1.0
> > > > is an operating system.
> > > > Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install
Tears
> > > > 6.2.
> > > > Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty
> 3.0
> > > > and
> > > > Flowers 7.0,
> > > > but remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy
> Silence
> > > > 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program
> that
> > > > will create "Snoring Loud" wave files.
> > > > DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend
> program.
> > > > These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
> > > >
> > > > In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
> > > > limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider
> > > > buying additional software to improve performance. I personally
> > > > recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3. Also, running Nagging 5.3
too
> > > > often can sometimes cause Husband 1.0 to secretly install Mistress
> 1.0,
> > > > which would then require you to run a Private Investigator 7.5
utility
> > > > and possibly even Attorney 9.0, which could lead to a system
> > > > wide failure and the need to reboot Husband 1.0
> > > >
> > >

 

[moreluck]

Subject: sad news
> >
> >
> > I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes
> > we need to pause and remember what life is all about.
> >
> > There was a Great loss recently.
> > Larry LaPrise, who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey," died this
> > week at age 83.
> >
> > It was extremely difficult for the family to keep him in
> > the casket. They'd put his left leg in and ..... well,
> > you know the rest.
>

 

[robonono]

MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.