Jokes-Because we could always use a good laugh

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Is that like a good deal on a vibrator?

No. It’s like a way to avoid the autocorrect on censored words. Lol.

 

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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his wienie today at the playground!” Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.” Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s mom asked, “Really small, was it?” Sally replied, “No, salty.” Mom fainted.

 

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There ya go…problem solved. Lol.

 

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Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day and stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette, before finishing their walk back to their apartments. One day, just as they lit their cigarettes, it starts to rain. Neither had thought to bring an umbrella.
Gladys, the innovator she is, takes a condom with the tip cut off and rolls it over her cigarette so she can keep smoking. Ethyl, completely confounded by this move remarks:
Ethyl: “What is that?! I need one!”
Gladys: “Oh this? Just go to the pharmacist, and tell him you need some condoms.”
So Ethyl decides right then and there she needs to get condoms immediately. She takes a detour on her way home that day and visits the pharmacy. She walks up to the teenager working the counter at the pharmacy and says: Ethyl: “I’d like a pack of condoms please.”
Teenager: “Ma’am, aren’t you a little bit old to … you know?”
Ethyl: [taken aback by this] “Excuse me?! I’ve been doing this since I was a teenager!”

Realizing the guy working there had no room to speak, he asks what size she’ll need.
Ethyl: “Oh I need ones that will fit a Camel.

 

[BMWMC]

Do funny clips from SNL count as jokes because this is hilarious.

 

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Do funny clips from SNL count as jokes because this is hilarious.

This one too.

 

[BMWMC]

This one too.

Awesome come back.

 

[NAHimGOOD]

 

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One Monday morning, John the UPS man approached a house on his usual route. He noticed that both cars were in the driveway. Bob, the homeowner, was coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. “Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a Christmas party last night,” John commented. Bob, in obvious pain, replied, “Actually, we had it Saturday night This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I.” The UPS man thought for a moment then asked, “How do you play that?””Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us with only our “privates” showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is”, responded Bob. John laughed and said, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.” “Probably a good thing you did,“ said Bob. “Your name came up four or five times.”

 

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This guy is great. Yeah, yeah I know it’s not a joke, but it’s funny. Best telling of The Three Little Pigs ever.

 

[oldngray]

 

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A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

 

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I LOVE Dry Bar comedy skits. Because it’s in SLC the comedians have to be really good to get laughs and keep the sketches clean. This guy is awesome! @upschuck are you like this with your kids?