One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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An old Italian Mafia 'Don' is dying and he calls his grandson into his bedroom.
'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.'
'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?'
'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple a bambinos.'
'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then ....... pointa to your watch and say 'Times up?'

 

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“I invented some new cookware but the critics panned it.”

 

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When monkeys get mad, they crap in their hand and they throw it. How cool is that? Whos going to fight a guy with a lump of crap in his hand?

 

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“People say I know a lot about folk tales but that's just a myth.”

 

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“A kidney is a young goat's leg joint.”

 

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Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

 

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How do you know the Easter Bunny is really smart?
Because he's an egghead.

What did the Easter Egg say to the boiling water?
It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!

So, Easter commemorates when Jesus hid eggs for the disciples to find, and then he turned all the rabbits into chocolate, right?

Where does the Easter Bunny get his eggs?
From Eggplants.

What happened to the Easter Bunny when he misbehaved at school?
He was eggspelled!

 

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Maria Bamford: Religious Worship
My mom is very religious, and she said, Whatever you think about all the time, thats what you worship. If thats the case, Id like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People magazines.

 

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“I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.”

 

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“The guy who invented the paper clip almost gave up. Luckily he held it all together.”

 

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It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the University's intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."

 

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What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
Guardians of the Galaxy,

 

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I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college while working for my parents as their daughter.

 

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A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

 

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In high school, two boys, two friends (one Spanish and one American), were talking about the grades they received in their classes.
American boy: "You got an friend in Spanish! How could that happen? Spanish is what you speak at home and stuff."
Spanish boy: "Probably the same way you got an friend in English."

 

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Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."

 

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David Alan Grier: Stopped Smoking Reefer...

I stopped smoking reefer because I started thinking, if great men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin what would have happened. Like if somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had smoked reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, I had a dream, but the hell if I could remember what it was about. It was either about freedom or Fritos.

 

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My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes, Pete."
I replied, "I'm working at the moment, Sir, I will send you one later."
He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."

 

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Three NFL fans of a losing team were drowning their sorrows at a sports bar after the team lost yet again. The first fan said, "I blame the coach. If he developed better plays, we'd be a great team."
The second fan nodded and replied, "I blame the players. They just don't try hard enough."
The third fan thought for a moment and then said, "I blame my mom and dad. If I'd been born in Boston, I'd be supporting a better team."

 

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