One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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“I couldn't find the car window scraper this morning, so I used a plastic store discount card to clean my windows. It didn't work very well. I only got 20% off.”

 

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His girlfriend’s father was interviewing Young Charles.
“So,” said the father, “you want to be my son-in-law, do you?"
“No, not particularly,” said Charles tactlessly, “but if I want to marry your daughter I haven’t much choice, have I?”

 

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“I discovered that the mortician had buried my father in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.”

 

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I'm well prepared for a cashless society. Having kids already has me there.

 

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Years ago someone in California hollered “Gold,” and people drove from all directions. That’s the way they still drive in California.

 

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"The Orthodontists went on strike until they could get things straightened out.”

 

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What do the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Titanic have in common?
They both looked good until they hit the ice!

 

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A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''

Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

 

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Teacher: "When I was of your age, I learned very quickly and was not as slow as you are."
Student: "Wow, you must have had a good teacher then, didn't you?"

 

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“When I lived on the coast I consulted the tide charts every day. I liked to keep up on current events.”

 

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“Years of arching ones back over a keyboard can lead to scrolliosis.”

 

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An undertaker can be one of your best friends...
He'll be the last one to let you down.

 

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“They dared me to jump off a cliff, but it was just a bluff.”

 

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Husband: Tell me what you'd like for your birthday.
Wife: Frankly, I'd like a divorce.
Husband: Yikes! I wasn't planning on spending that much!

 

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"Dear, if you'll make the toast and pour the juice", said the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready. "Good, what are we having for breakfast?" asked the new husband.
"Toast and juice."

 

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Golf is literally a sport to see who can play the least golf.

 

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“I dug up a worm for fishing. It's the end of the line for him.”

 

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"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

 

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I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels...
She didn’t know I existed.

 

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The last job I had, I had to wear this badge around my neck all day -- like, a laminated badge. Its like a backstage pass to the crappiest concert ever invented.