One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal
- Thread starter moreluck
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slaveofbigbrown
Well-Known Member
What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
They both cause 100 bucks and if the rubber breaks your screwed
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They both cause 100 bucks and if the rubber breaks your screwed
Sent using BrownCafe App
moreluck
golden ticket member
Oxymorons...................
A Fine Mess
A just war
A little big
a little pregnant
A new classic
absolutely unsure
abundant poverty
academic fraternity
Academic sorority
Accidentally on Purpose
accurate estimate
accurate horoscope
accurate rumors
accurate stereotype
acrophobic mountain climber
Act Naturally
active retirement
actual reenactment
acute apathy
acute dullness
adult children
Adult male
advanced BASIC advanced beginner
A Fine Mess
A just war
A little big
a little pregnant
A new classic
absolutely unsure
abundant poverty
academic fraternity
Academic sorority
Accidentally on Purpose
accurate estimate
accurate horoscope
accurate rumors
accurate stereotype
acrophobic mountain climber
Act Naturally
active retirement
actual reenactment
acute apathy
acute dullness
adult children
Adult male
advanced BASIC advanced beginner
moreluck
golden ticket member
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?
What kind of coat can be put on only when wet? A coat of paint.
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?
What kind of coat can be put on only when wet? A coat of paint.
moreluck
golden ticket member
In some places fog will never be mist.
What grows up while growing down? A goose.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
Did you hear about the bear that was hit by an 18-wheeler and splattered all over the place? They said it was a grizzly accident.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can't venom all.
A piece of string walked into a bar and said "Gimme a beer!" but the bartender said "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind here!" So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said "Aren't you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?" No, the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot!"
What day of the year is a command to go forward? March 4th.
What grows up while growing down? A goose.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
Did you hear about the bear that was hit by an 18-wheeler and splattered all over the place? They said it was a grizzly accident.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can't venom all.
A piece of string walked into a bar and said "Gimme a beer!" but the bartender said "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind here!" So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said "Aren't you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?" No, the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot!"
What day of the year is a command to go forward? March 4th.
moreluck
golden ticket member
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
Bakers share their bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Why didn't the turkey cross the road? Because he wasn't chicken.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Ninety eight percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What day of the year is a command to go forward? March 4th.
What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One's a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.
Bakers share their bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Why didn't the turkey cross the road? Because he wasn't chicken.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Ninety eight percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What day of the year is a command to go forward? March 4th.
What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One's a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.
moreluck
golden ticket member
A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity.
The Irish government is wealthy because its capital is always Dublin.
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Because it's two tired.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than "A" bra.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity.
The Irish government is wealthy because its capital is always Dublin.
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Because it's two tired.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than "A" bra.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
moreluck
golden ticket member
A man hit another on the head with a soda bottle, killing him. In court, he claimed he was influenced by the song "Let's Get Fizzy-Kill".
What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
Why was the tired knight's butt like a mythical beast? His Ass was Dragon.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
What do you call a cow who gives no milk? A milk dud (or an udder failure).
What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
Why was the tired knight's butt like a mythical beast? His Ass was Dragon.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
What do you call a cow who gives no milk? A milk dud (or an udder failure).
moreluck
golden ticket member
Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed? He had low elf esteem.
How did Hitler tie his laces? In little Nazis.
What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
How did Hitler tie his laces? In little Nazis.
What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
moreluck
golden ticket member
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet weather? An umbrella.
Never give your uncle an anteater.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet weather? An umbrella.
Never give your uncle an anteater.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
moreluck
golden ticket member
What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
What city has the largest rodent population? Hamsterdam.
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.
What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber.
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Uhm… how do you drive this thing?”
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
What city has the largest rodent population? Hamsterdam.
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.
What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber.
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Uhm… how do you drive this thing?”
UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)
Well-Known Member
In the order you gave it would technically be a talkie-walkie.
moreluck
golden ticket member
I am a prosecuting attorney in a small town and will admit to having a few extra pounds on me. Not long ago, I was questioning a witness in an armed robbery case. I asked, "Would you describe the person you saw?"
The witness replied, "He was kind of short and stout."
"You mean short and stout like me?" I asked.
"Oh, no," the witness said. "He wasn't that fat."
The witness replied, "He was kind of short and stout."
"You mean short and stout like me?" I asked.
"Oh, no," the witness said. "He wasn't that fat."
moreluck
golden ticket member
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? Dumb Beau.
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way. What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink piled high? Dishes a real mess!
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
They arrested a man for passing himself off as the comedian named Seinfeld....the charge was playjerism.
What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn't rise above a housecleaning position? The Little Mere Maid.
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? Dumb Beau.
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way. What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink piled high? Dishes a real mess!
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
They arrested a man for passing himself off as the comedian named Seinfeld....the charge was playjerism.
What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn't rise above a housecleaning position? The Little Mere Maid.
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Some things are hard to grasp.......
Where do square fish come from so that fast-food outlets can make square fish sandwiches?
Why do we play a round of golf, but we square dance?
Why does a business have to tell the truth about his product, but politicians can lie about each other?
Why does a can of dog food have more nutritional information on it than a jar of baby food?
Why are women's size 6 shoes smaller than a man's size 6 shoe?
Why do British drivers drive on the left side of the road and most others drivers in the world drive on the right side?
Why does it "rain cats and dogs" and not "catfish and bass"?
Where do square fish come from so that fast-food outlets can make square fish sandwiches?
Why do we play a round of golf, but we square dance?
Why does a business have to tell the truth about his product, but politicians can lie about each other?
Why does a can of dog food have more nutritional information on it than a jar of baby food?
Why are women's size 6 shoes smaller than a man's size 6 shoe?
Why do British drivers drive on the left side of the road and most others drivers in the world drive on the right side?
Why does it "rain cats and dogs" and not "catfish and bass"?
moreluck
golden ticket member
What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.
If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bagel.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail? Wherewolf.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
What did the razor blade say to the razor? Schick 'em up!
What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A Chopin Liszt.
The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam.
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bagel.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail? Wherewolf.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
What did the razor blade say to the razor? Schick 'em up!
What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A Chopin Liszt.
The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam.
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
moreluck
golden ticket member
What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A Chopin Liszt.
The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam.
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Why is your hand similar to a hardware store? Because it has nails.
What's a cow eating grass? A lawn mooer.
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam.
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Why is your hand similar to a hardware store? Because it has nails.
What's a cow eating grass? A lawn mooer.
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What's a chimney sweep's most common ailment? The flue.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
What are half-sized quartz watches? Pintz watches.
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he said indignantly. The other guy replied, "That's not my dog."
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What's a chimney sweep's most common ailment? The flue.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
What are half-sized quartz watches? Pintz watches.
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he said indignantly. The other guy replied, "That's not my dog."
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