One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

Why don't sharks eat divorce lawyers? Professional courtesy.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

What are tired Army clothes? Fatigues.

What do you call a frightened skindiver? Chicken of the sea.

Including Rudolph, how many reindeer does Santa have? Ten: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph and Olive. Olive? Yes, Olive the Other Reindeer.

Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

Old investors never die, they just roll over.

Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

What did the guitar say to the musician? "Pick on someone your own size!"

 

[moreluck]

There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.

What happened to the woman with ten children? She went stork raving mad.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

What do you call a man who drinks and falls off his horse? The wine-stoned cowboy.

I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.

Why are rivers always rich? Because they have two banks.

 

[moreluck]

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

Who ever invented the “Knock-Knock jokes” should get a No-bell prize

What did Tarzan say to his wife? "Jane, it's a jungle out there!"

How many sides does a circle have? Two: an inside and an outside.

Who don't penguins fly? They're not tall enough to be pilots.

Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

Did you hear about the optician? Two glasses and he made a spectacle of himself.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Are_chimpanzees_and_monkeys_the_same_thing

 

[moreluck]

It's jokes !!!!
Facts don't have to be accurate in jokes......just true stories.

The differences between chimps and monkeys and gorillas is of no interest to anyone.......

 

[cachsux]

It is at least to him.

 

[moreluck]

The Hand family consists of 10 electricians. Their motto is "Many Hands make light work."

Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

What is a mouse's favorite game? Hide and Squeak.

Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

An incompetent ship captain grounds the warship he walks on.

They arrested a woman for causing an accident while on her cellphone....she was charged with driving while intalksicated.

 

[moreluck]

What do you get when you put the pictures of the Kings of Russia on a flag? The Tsar-Spangled Banner.

A horse is a very stable animal.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. And what kind of lettuce? Iceberg

I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.

What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer? One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

 

[moreluck]

I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

Rust is edible. After all, it is a form of car-rot.

What would you get if you crossed a bat with a lonely hearts club? Lots of blind dates.

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

Economist: A discount fog.

 

[moreluck]

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

What would you get if you crossed a mole with a porcupine? A tunnel that leaks.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.

Where do you find chili beans? At the North Pole.

Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

Why do people who throw away feather pillows get depressed? Their down is in the dumps.

 

[moreluck]

Old students never die, they just get degraded.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? Annette.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

What colour is a belch? Burple.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

How can sea captains use amphibians? As froghorns.

Reading while sunbathing makes you, well, red.

What Disney movie is about the tall-tale-telling champ? The Lyin' King.

What's a three-season bed? One without a spring.

 

[moreluck]

How can sea captains use amphibians? As froghorns.

Reading while sunbathing makes you, well, red.

What Disney movie is about the tall-tale-telling champ? The Lyin' King.

What's a three-season bed? One without a spring.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? Dam.

I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.

How do you change tires on a duck? With a quackerjack.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner.

Where does McDonald's get its burgers from? Macau.

 

[moreluck]

When does a boat show affection? When it hugs the shore.

They arrested the Chrysler salesman and he couldn't a-Ford bail.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.

I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.

Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

 

[moreluck]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

 

[moreluck]

What did Godzilla say after eating a four-cylinder Datsun? "Gosh, I could have had a V-8!"

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

What did the toy store sign say? Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.


Person 1: How does Moses make his tea?
Person 1: Hebrews it!
Person 2: Jew kidding me.
Person 1: No, Israeli how he makes it!
Person 2: Are you Syrias?
Person 1: I Canaan tell a lie!


A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

 

[Catatonic]

What did Godzilla say after eating a four-cylinder Datsun? "Gosh, I could have had a V-8!"

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

What did the toy store sign say? Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.


Person 1: How does Moses make his tea?
Person 1: Hebrews it!
Person 2: Jew kidding me.
Person 1: No, Israeli how he makes it!
Person 2: Are you Syrias?
Person 1: I Canaan tell a lie!


A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

I will try a couple of these on my grandson ... he likes puns.

 

[moreluck]

There Once was a man from Nantucket
Who liked to pick corn and then shuck it.
And when he was done
He'd stick out his thumb
and Toss all the corn in a bucket.
—Written by Justin Ranson

 

[UpstateNYUPSer(Ret)]

That's not the version I remember:

 

[moreluck]

“Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.”

People have a happy time vacationing in Ireland because they are walking on Eire.

 

[moreluck]

The stripper was getting tired of the same old thong and dance.
LeGrande - Big Pine Key, FL

Even though the chef's girlfriend was grate in many ways. She had a temper that boiled easily, was half-baked and extremely kneady.
Randy - Defiance, OH

To add to the punishment, Satan made all the tormented souls listen to elevator music. The Hells Are Alive With the Sounds of Muzak.
SGT Snorkel - Iowa

An instructor at an ice cream parlor is a sundae school teacher.
Joseph Leff - Florida