One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

The last thing I want to do is hurt you.....but it's still on the list.

 

[moreluck]

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a big plus.

 

[moreluck]

I've taken up speed reading. I can read War and Peace in 20 seconds.
It's only 3 words, but it's a start!

 

[moreluck]

Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?

"Five bucks, sir."

"And how much for my suitcase?"

"No charge for the suitcase, sir."

"Okay. Take the case and I'll walk."

 

[moreluck]

This is your captain speaking. THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING !

 

[moreluck]

VELCRO IS A COMPLETE RIP-OFF !

 

[moreluck]

Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

 

[moreluck]

And I thought I wanted a career.....turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

 

[moreluck]

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and feed them fish?

 

[moreluck]

What is the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
A golfer says "whack....DAMN!" and a skydiver says " Damn ..... WHACK!!"

 

[Covemastah]

Young jimmy Sullivan goes to confession with his buddy on Saturday,, he walks in and says forgive me father I have sinned!!
The priest says what you do??
I've been with a few loose girls father !!
Ooh that's bad jimmy , tell me who they are and I will give you penance !
No father I can't squeal ..
Well jimmy was it Mary Omalley ? No father ,, how bout Katherine Murphy ??
No father ,, well jimmy I can't forgive yah ,, be on your way ,,,,
Jimmy's friend says Hey what did you get Jim??? No penance. Ha hah but two hot leads !!

 

[moreluck]

When God answers my prayers, sometimes He says "Yes", sometimes He says "No", and sometimes He says "You've got to be kidding!"

 

[moreluck]

I huffed and I puffed and I got up out of my chair.

 

[moreluck]

Herman the hypochondriac began sobbing before a doctor. "I'm sure I've got a liver disease, and I'm gonna die from it."
"Ridiculous," said the doctor. "you'd never know if you had the disease or not. With that ailment there's no discomfort of any kind."
"Right," said Herman, "those are my exact symptoms."

 

[moreluck]

Shout out to the people who want to know what the opposite of in is.

 

[moreluck]

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'

 

[moreluck]

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.



How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

 

[moreluck]

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.


If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?


A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]