One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

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A farmer was munching on a cookie, as he watches the rooster chase a hen around.
Playfully, the farmer throws a piece of cookie to the ground. Seeing it, the rooster stops chasing the hen and runs to the piece of cookie.
The farmer shakes his head slowly and says, "Gosh, I hope I never get THAT hungry."

 

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Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, getting up from the table and going out the door to the office.
At 10am, the doorbell rang. When the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1pm, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. When he did, she exclaimed, "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

 

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Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that the chief is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious problem, so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him in his teepee.

One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's teepee and there's the chief masturbating again. He says, "Chief, what are you doing? We fix you up with a beautiful woman."

The chief says, "Her arm get tired."

 

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Johnathan asked his young son, 'Greg, do you think I’m a bad father?'
'My name is Andrew,' replied his son

 

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Jon Reep: Southern Accents
People think youre an idiot. I dont know where they get that idea. But when they hear my accent for the first time, I can tell theyre looking at me and theyre just waiting for me to say something like, What are shoes for?

 

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~ Frank Sinatra

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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman

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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright

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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke

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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin

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I had a million bucks, but I couldn't shoot them all.

Notary means insufficiently ventilated.

 

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Ralphie May - Dora the Explorer
Have you seen this show? If you havent, its about a five-year-old little Mexican girl thats always lost. It should be called Dora the Amber Alert.

 

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As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street", the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

 

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What did the zero say to the eight?

I like your belt!

 

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What is a dentist's favorite Dinosaur?

A Flossorapter

 

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A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp.
He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"
The boy replied, "Apparently, you never had a mother."

 

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Why do men like to watch porno movies backward?

They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

 

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Mitch Hedberg: Fore!
I never got a hole in one -- but I did hit a guy, and thats way more satisfying. Youre supposed to yell Fore, but I was too busy mumbling There aint no way thats gonna hit him.

 

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If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.

If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week.

If he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years.

 

[moreluck]

A lady goes in to see a psychiatrist...
Lady: "Doctor, I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
Doctor: "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
Lady: "How much for all night?"

 

[moreluck]

D.L. Hughley: Police Following You
You ever have the police follow you so long, you get suspicious of your damn self? Maybe I did kill them people. Im a go ahead and turn myself in.