One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

View attachment 136803

that's the "pun" look I was expecting!

 

[moreluck]

Our friend and her four-year-old son were standing in line at a fast food restaurant when in walked a man covered in tattoos. The boy turned to him and said, "Looks like somebody got into the markers."

 

[oldngray]

 

[moreluck]

Boss to line worker: I need you to do such and such.
Line worker: You didn't say the "p" word.
Boss: Paycheck.

 

[moreluck]

 

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[moreluck]

Moms are just cops that love you.

 

[moreluck]

My four-year-old just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So, I locked the door. I love this game.

 

[moreluck]

Things a mother should know: how to comfort a son without exactly saying Daddy was wrong.

 

[moreluck]

I broke it off because.....

* She wore the same deodorant as my mother.
* She pronounced it 'cold slaw'.
* His head was just way too big for his body.
*She ate her peas one at a time. One at a time!

 

[moreluck]

We had just moved to the country from the city when our neighbor came by. "Several of my hogs have gotten loose," he said. "Have you seen them?"
My concerned husband responded, "What do they look like?"

 

[moreluck]

The phrase "dead ringer" refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off

 

[moreluck]

I came home to find my husband sitting on the couch watching T.V.
"I thought you were going to mow the lawn," I said.
"I'm waiting on a part," he replied.
"What part is that?"
"The part of me that wants to do it."

 

[moreluck]

How much does a mortician urn in a year?

 

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[moreluck]

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

[moreluck]

I was supervising some prospective employees at our construction company as they filled out their application forms. Everyone was busily writing away except for one guy, who appeared stumped.
He turned to his friend and whispered, "Hey George, what's my maiden name?"

 

[BakerMayfield2018]

Question:Why did @IVE GOTTA PACKAGE 4U go to work today?
Answer:
Because his wife made him!

Lmfao.

 

[moreluck]

A late arrival at the Nashville airport left me in front of a car rental agent one night. Ina heavy southern drawl, she asked, "Can Ah help y'all?"
After processing my order she said "I have an accent. Is that OK?"
"I don't mind at all," I said, "Being from New England I have one too."
She waited a minute before replying, "I meant the car. I have a Hyundai Accent."