MrFedEx
Engorged Member
Dear Team Members,
Bravo Zulu!! And thanks for everything you do to deliver the Purple Promise!! Remember last year's Peak? Flawless, with 100% on-time delivery, providing each and every FedEx customer with an exceptional experience. We've had all year to make this Peak even better, so here are some of the exciting plans we have to share with you today!!
1. We have contracted with Charles Schulz and the Peanuts trademark to create some really exciting motivational posters featuring Lucy, Charlie Brown, and yes, even Snoopy!
2. We have created 100 new acronyms and 50 new reports that will tell us exactly what you are doing all the time. We'll take this information and the DRA Team will process it and implement new routing plans that will bring everyone to 150% of their current productivity levels. This is why we aren't hiring any temporary workers this year...we don't need them!
3. Exciting motivational messages will fill your PowerPad screens every morning, so you can scroll through dozens before choosing your personal favorite to keep you at 150% all day long.
4. Helpful reminders to deliver all of our important customers before 10:30!! We've discovered it helps to send out messages reminding you to deliver all Apple, Amazon, etc constantly, so you NEVER forget how important and precious each and every package is.
5. Extended break hours. Since we occasionally experience bad weather this time of year, we are eliminating Code 43 and all waiting for aircraft or CTV time will be unpaid break time. We realize you need extra rest so you can deliver more packages!! You can't leave the building, but you can nap in your van or on the floor. Rent will be charged for floor space or van space you occupy. Only one courier per van please!!
6. Posters of your upper management team will be prominently displayed in each station. MT3 is going to pose in front of his jet with a pallet of cash, Dave Bronczek is going to be sunning on his yacht, and I'll be posed in front of my fabulous collection of vintage aircraft. Our success will remind you that you can be where we are too!! You just have to work HARDER!!
7. There's more coming in the next few weeks, but we've just opened our Bangladesh Call Center to better serve our customers!! Each contract employee has received 1 hour of training and can speak at least 3 words of English. Our customers will be delighted.
Got to go. Mitch McConnell is having me over tonight to strategize!!
FedEx Cares!!
Your Loving Leader,
Fred
Bravo Zulu!! And thanks for everything you do to deliver the Purple Promise!! Remember last year's Peak? Flawless, with 100% on-time delivery, providing each and every FedEx customer with an exceptional experience. We've had all year to make this Peak even better, so here are some of the exciting plans we have to share with you today!!
1. We have contracted with Charles Schulz and the Peanuts trademark to create some really exciting motivational posters featuring Lucy, Charlie Brown, and yes, even Snoopy!
2. We have created 100 new acronyms and 50 new reports that will tell us exactly what you are doing all the time. We'll take this information and the DRA Team will process it and implement new routing plans that will bring everyone to 150% of their current productivity levels. This is why we aren't hiring any temporary workers this year...we don't need them!
3. Exciting motivational messages will fill your PowerPad screens every morning, so you can scroll through dozens before choosing your personal favorite to keep you at 150% all day long.
4. Helpful reminders to deliver all of our important customers before 10:30!! We've discovered it helps to send out messages reminding you to deliver all Apple, Amazon, etc constantly, so you NEVER forget how important and precious each and every package is.
5. Extended break hours. Since we occasionally experience bad weather this time of year, we are eliminating Code 43 and all waiting for aircraft or CTV time will be unpaid break time. We realize you need extra rest so you can deliver more packages!! You can't leave the building, but you can nap in your van or on the floor. Rent will be charged for floor space or van space you occupy. Only one courier per van please!!
6. Posters of your upper management team will be prominently displayed in each station. MT3 is going to pose in front of his jet with a pallet of cash, Dave Bronczek is going to be sunning on his yacht, and I'll be posed in front of my fabulous collection of vintage aircraft. Our success will remind you that you can be where we are too!! You just have to work HARDER!!
7. There's more coming in the next few weeks, but we've just opened our Bangladesh Call Center to better serve our customers!! Each contract employee has received 1 hour of training and can speak at least 3 words of English. Our customers will be delighted.
Got to go. Mitch McConnell is having me over tonight to strategize!!
FedEx Cares!!
Your Loving Leader,
Fred
up.
