Heard Any Good Ones: Archive

[moreluck]

Government Verbosity:

Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.

The Lord's prayer: 66 words.

Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.

The 10 Commandments: 179 words.

The Gettysburg address: 286 words.

The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.

U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales:
26,911 words.

 

[moreluck]

19 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn


1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the
same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the
reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full
potential, that word would
be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious
views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe
with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He
WILL NOT use, as His
messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad
hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your
life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a
way to take it too
seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad,
there is always one individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take
command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just
get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the
cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is
gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you
a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman
that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see
an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop
expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday. That time is age
11.

16. "The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background,
is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average
drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all
organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the
waiter, is not a nice
person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

 

[moreluck]

News Flash...missing news stories from Florida ...

Some news items that have been overshadowed

Coca Cola announced today that, starting immediately, all cans of soda
destined for Palm Beach County will be clearly stamped
on the bottom "OPEN AT OTHER END."


The Florida Department of Transportation has finally come up with a
reason for all the intersection accidents in Palm Beach
County. No one knows what the arrows mean!


Newly released statistic: 87% of the "blue hairs" in Palm Beach County
used to be blondes.


A recount has been ordered of all winning bingo cards over the past
five years in Palm Beach County.


It was a simple mistake at the polls in Palm Beach County. After all,
the names "Gore" and "Buchanan" look almost exactly alike
when printed out.


Almost everyone in Palm Beach County believes in the Ten Commandments,
but 78% of them also believe you can choose five of
them.


Doctors have discovered the problem with Palm Beach County voters. 79%
of them are dyslexic. They thought the word "vote"
was "veto."


The problem with the ballot in Palm Beach County stems from the fact
that it is largely a retirement area and 69% of the retirees
used to be lawyers.


"Do you mean to tell me that most of the people in Florida can pay
attention to 15 Bingo cards all at the same time, but can't
punch one right hole?"


Why do Palm Beach Floridians have T.G.I.friend. written on their shoes?
-----Toes Go In First.


Three Palm Beach Floridians were driving to Disneyland. After being in
the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said
"Disneyland Left," So they turned around and went home.


Why did the Palm Beach Floridian stare at the can of frozen orange
Juice? --Because it said Concentrate.


Why can't Palm Beach Floridians dial 911? -They can't find the 11 on
the phone!


Two Palm Beach Floridians were standing on either side of a road. One
asked the other. "How do I get to the other side?" --The
other replied,"Dummy, you're already ON the other side!"


Hear about the Palm Beach Floridian that got an AM radio? --It took her
a month to realize she could play it at night.


What happened to the Palm Beach Floridian Ice Hockey Team? --They
drowned in Spring Training.


What did the Palm Beach Floridian say when she saw the sign in front of
the YMCA? --"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"


How do you make a Palm Beach Floridian laugh on Saturday? --Tell them
a joke on Wednesday.

 

[moreluck]

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap
yard in the middle of a
desert. Congress said someone may steal from it
at night; so they created a
night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person
for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do
his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning position and hired
two (2) people, one person to
write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to
do time studies, GS-11.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night
watchman is doing the tasks
correctly?"

So they created a Q. C. position and hired two
(2) people, one GS-9 to do
the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How
are these people going to get paid?" So they
created the following
positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll
officer, GS-11, and hired
two (2) people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for
all of these people?" So
they created an administrative position and
hired three (3) people, an
Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer
GS-12, and a Legal
Secretary GS-08.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in
operation for one year and
we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback
overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

 

[moreluck]

Special Horse

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the
desert for
about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a
missionary.
Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and
collapses on the
doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him
back to
health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary
for
directions to the nearest town. On his way out the
backdoor,
he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and
asks the
missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it
back when
I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but
there is a
special thing about this horse. You have to say
'Thank God' to
make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."
So he gets
On the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse
starts walking.
Then he say, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse
starts
trotting. Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank
God, thank
God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse
just takes
off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's
doing everything
he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold
on!!!!" Finally
he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man
leans back in
the saddle and says, "Thank God".

 

[flimflam]

Ebonics Crimmus Pome


Wuz de nite befo Crimmus;

And all ower da hood;

ereybody wuz' sleepin';

Dey wuz sleepin' good.

We hunged up our stockings;

An hoped like de' heck;

That old Santa Clause;

Be bringin' our check.

All o'de fambily;

Wuz layin in de beds;

While Ripple and Thunderbird;

Danced through dey heads.

I passed out inna' flo;

Right nex to my Maw;

When I heard sech a fuss;

I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!"

I looked out thru de bars;

What covered my doe;

'spectin' de sheriff;

Wif a warrant fo sho.

And what did I see;

I said, "Lawd look at dat!!"

Ther' wuz a huge watermellon;

Pulled by giant warf rats!!

Now ober all de years;

Santa Clause, he be white;

But looks liken us bros;

Gets a black Sanna dis nite.

Faster dan a Po'lees car;

My home boy he came;

He whupped on dem warf rats;

An' called dem by name!

On Leroy, on 'Lonzo ;

And on Willie Lee;

On Saphire, on Chenequa;

Dey wuz a site to see!!

As he landed dat watta' mellon;

Out der in da skreet;

I knowed it was fo' sho';

Da damndest site I ebber did see.

He didn't go down no chimbley;

He picked da' lock on my doe;

An' I sez to myself;

"<FONT COLOR="ff0000">••••</FONT>!! He done dis befoe!!!"

He had dis big bag;

Full of prezents I 'xpect;

Wid Air Jordans and fake gold;

To wear roun' my neck.

But he left no good prezents;

Jus started stealing my <FONT COLOR="ff0000">••••</FONT>;

Got my drugs, got my guns,

Even got my burglar's kit!!

Wit my stuff in de bag;

Out da window he flewed;

I woudda' tried to catched him;

But he stoled my 'nife too!!

He jumped on dat wadda' mellon;

An' whipped out a switch;

He wuz gone in a seccon';

Dat son of a <FONT COLOR="ff0000">•••••</FONT>!!

Next year I be hopin';

Anutha Sanna we git;

Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause;

Jus' ain't werf a <FONT COLOR="ff0000">••••</FONT>!!!

 

[vic]

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit,
our best wishes for an environmentally conscious,
socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive,
gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable
traditions of the religious persuasion of your
choice, or secular practices of your choice, with
respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice
religious or secular traditions at all . . .

And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling,
and medically uncomplicated recognition of the
onset of the generally accepted calendar year
2001, but not without due respect for the
calendars of choice of other cultures whose
contributions to society have helped make
America great (not to imply that America is
necessarily greater than any other country or
is the only "America" in the western hemisphere)
and without regard to the race, creed, color,
age, physical ability, religious faith, choice
of computer platform, or sexual preference of
the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting
these terms: This greeting is subject to
clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
transferable with no alteration to the
original greeting. It implies no promise by
the wisher to actually implement any of the
wishes for her/himself or others, and is
void where prohibited by law and is revocable
at the sole discretion of the wisher. This
wish is warranted to perform as expected
within the usual application of good tidings
for a period of one year, or until the
issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting,
whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or
issuance of a new wish at the sole
discretion of the wisher.)

 

[moreluck]

Christmas Reflections.....


1. Last Christmas, we were thinking about all the things we didn't have;
this Christmas, we are thinking about all the things we do have.

2. Last Christmas, we were placing wreaths on the doors of our homes;
this
Christmas, many are placing wreaths on the graves of our heroes.

3. Last Christmas, many were letting our sons play with toy guns; this
Christmas, we are are teaching them that guns are not toys.

4. Last Christmas, we were counting our money; this Christmas, we are
counting our blessings.

5. Last Christmas, we paid lip service to the real meaning of the
holidays; this Christmas, we are paying homage to it.

6. Last Christmas, we were lighting candles to decorate; this Christmas,
we
are lighting candles to commemorate.

7. Last Christmas, we were digging deep into our bank accounts to find
the
money to fly home for the holiday; this Christmas, we are digging deep
into
our souls to find the courage to do so.

8. Last Christmas, we were trying not to let annoying relatives get the
best of us; this Christmas, we are trying to give the best of ourselves
to them.

9. Last Christmas, we thought it was enough to celebrate the holidays;
this
Christmas, we know we must also find ways to consecrate them.

10. Last Christmas, we thought a man who could rush down a football
field
was hero; this Christmas, we know a man who rushes into a burning
building
is the real one.

11. Last Christmas, we were thinking about the madness of the holidays;
this Christmas, we are thinking about the meaning of them.

12. Last Christmas, we were getting on one another's nerves; this
Christmas, we are getting on our knees

13. Last Christmas, we were giving thanks for gifts from stores; this
Christmas, we are giving thanks for gifts from God.

14. Last Christmas, we were wondering how to give our children all the
things that money can buy--the hottest toys, the latest fashions, the
newest gadgets; this Christmas, we are wondering how to give them all
the things we can't--a sense of security, safety, peace.

15. Last Christmas, we were thinking about all the pressure we are under
at
the office; this Christmas, we are thinking about all the people who no
longer have an office to go to.

16. Last Christmas, we were singing carols; this Christmas, we are
singing
anthems.

17. Last Christmas, we were thinking how good it would feel to be
affluent; this Christmas, we are thinking how good it feels to be alive.

18. Last Christmas, we thought angels were in heaven; this Christmas, we
know some are right here on earth.

19. Last Christmas, we were contemplating all the changes we wanted to
make in the New Year; this Christmas, we are contemplating all the
changes we
will have to make in this new reality.

20. Last Christmas, we believed in the power of the pocketbook; this
Christmas, we believe in the power of prayer.

21. Last Christmas, we were sharing/spreading/listening to gossip; this
Christmas, we are sharing/spreading/listening to the Gospel.

22. Last Christmas, we were complaining about how much of our earnings
went to pay taxes; this Christmas, we comprehend that freedom isn't
free.

23. Last Christmas, we valued things that were costly; this Christmas,
we value things that are holy.

24. Last Christmas, the people we idolized wore football, basketball and
baseball uniforms; this Christmas, the people we idolize wear police
firefighters and military uniforms.

25. Last Christmas, "peace on earth" is something we prayed for on
Sunday
mornings; now, it is something we pray for every day.

 

[anonymous]

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horses' legs, rump and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure they are healthy, and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away."

"Why?", said his father.

"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he definitely wants to buy Mom!"

 

[moreluck]

Praying for Presents

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the
week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside
their
beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at
the
top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW PLAY STATION..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD PLAYER..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and
said,
"Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

 

[moreluck]

The Closed Door

Attention Children - The Bathroom Door is Closed!

Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait
until I
get out.

Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I
am not
trapped.

I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since
you were
born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur
while I
was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am
done.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the
BATHROOM!"

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them.
This
was funny when you were two.

Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when
you
were two this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still
talking as
you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and
wait for
me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am
done.

And yes, I still love you.

Thank you, Mom

 

[moreluck]

She Said It

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm
not
dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
-Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever
see
a smart woman with a dumb guy.
-Erica Jong

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my
friends
told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do
anything
that feels good for 36 hours.
-Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.
We
can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
-Rita Rudner

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing 'em.
-Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne

I think, therefore I'm single.
-Lizz Winstead

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade
another country.
-Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-Gilda Radner

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
anything
done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
marriage
and a career.
-Gloria Steinhem

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-Gloria Steinhem

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at
home
which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which
growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a
cat
that comes home late at night.
-Marie Corelli

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-Baroness Edith Summerskill

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose
around your
neck?
-Linda Ellerbee

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep
his
house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

[moreluck]

Feline Physics

Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest,
unless
acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat
food.

Law of Cat Magnetism - All clothes attract cat hair of opposite
color
in direct proportion to the importance of the occasion for which
you are
dressing. If you do not own a cat with the requisite hair color,
this law
will still, somehow, apply.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler
body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows
to the
cat.

Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance
proportional
to the length of the nap just taken.

 

[moreluck]

Beware of Dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a
sign
saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside
he
noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the
cash
register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed
to
beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger looked amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a
dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you put up that
sign?"

"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people
kept
tripping over him."

 

[moreluck]

Canine Mind Games

After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU!
Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the
sheets.

When your humans come home, put your ears back, tail between
your
legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really
bad.
Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the
damage.

Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly,
but
when they try to show it to a friend, stare at them blankly.

When humans take you for a walk, sniff around the entire yard as
your
humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose will ultimately
decide the
fate of the earth.

When out on a walk in a city, always pick the busiest most
visible spot
to go--especially if your human has forgotten to bring a plastic
bag.

When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing
every
time a strange human walks by.

Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when
playing
fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a
while.

When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door.
Instead,
hide until they think something terrible has happened to you.
Then jump
out loudly at them.

When your human calls you to come back in, always take your
time.
Walking more and more slowly the closer you get to the door.

Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off
and
make the humans take you out. As soon as you get back inside,
fall
asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going
outside.)

 

[moreluck]

You're Lost Between Baby Boomer and Generation X if...

You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the
back
pocket was cool.

Any photograph of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the
collar
turned up.

You know any "Weird Al" Yankovic songs by heart.

You've ever rung someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"

You were once bowled over by the technological excellence of
such
products as Atari, IntelliVision, TelStar and Coleco.

You remember the premier of MTV-or worse yet, you remember its
predecessor, "Friday Night Videos."

You and your friends ever discussed having a reunion at the end
of the
century and playing Prince's "1999" until you passed out
partying.

A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.
You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really
was
alternative, and when "alternative comedy" was really funny.

You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
(Related to No. 10) You rode in the back of the station wagon
facing
the cars behind you.

You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the
following
phrases: "You know, back when...," "When I was your age...," or
"When
I was younger..."

Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you learned things
like
grammar, math and history. (A big hint here is if the only way
you can
recite the preamble to the Constitution is by singing it.)

You ever dressed to look like someone in a Madonna, Cyndi Lauper
or
Duran Duran video.

You remember with pain the day the Green Machine hit the streets
(or
the sidewalks), instantly making your Big Wheel obsolete.

The age-old question "Where's the beef?" still makes you laugh.

You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever
possibly
have more advanced special effects than "TRON."

Your hair at some point in time in the '80s could only be
described by
saying "I was experimenting."

You're starting to believe that having the kids in school
year-round
wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

You're currently employed doing something that has absolutely
nothing
to do with your college major.

You remember trying to guess which episode of "The Brady Bunch"
it
was by the first scene.

You know all the words to the double-album set of the "Grease"
soundtrack.

"All skate, change directions" means something to you.
You remember when movies were only PG and R.

You remember when your cable TV box had a sliding selector
switch...and your "cable remote" was connected to the TV by a
CORD!

You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg, or-worst of
all-
what Sheriff Roscoe's full name was.

Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading Beta VCR that was
almost
the size of a coffee table.

You found nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.

You remember having a black rotary phone.

And lastly, I'll make a song stick in your head for the rest of
the day:
you actually remember the words to the theme song of "The
Greatest
American Hero." ("BELIEVE IT OR NOT), I'M WALKIN' ON AIR.. I
NEVER
THOUGHT COULD FEEL SO FREE-EE-EE..."

 

[moreluck]

Our Agreement

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that
was
likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner
of the
property and held up the check he'd been given.

"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two
hundred
dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake.
But
when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your
attention."

 

[moreluck]

The Top 10 Signs Your Co-Worker Might Be A Computer Hacker

10. Everyone who makes him mad gets a $26,000 electric bill.

9. Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three
years
running.

8. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

7. Has four Pentagon computers listed in his "Network
Neighborhood."

6. For laughs, passes around a list of the boss' movie rentals
for the
last 5 years with the words "bikini" and "cheerleader"
underlined in red.

5. Massive 401(k) contribution made in half-cent increments.

4. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The
Net."

3. Laughs out loud at telephone long distance commercials.

2. Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good
Morning, Mr. President."

And the Number One sign your co-worker might be a computer
hacker
--

1. You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now,
Professor "I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"

 

[moreluck]

The Perks of Being Over 40



1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
manageable size.

2. Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they
can't remember them either.

3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the
national weather service.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without
glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples
operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension
plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even
realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a
challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no
matter
who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is
finally
beginning to pay off.

18. You can't remember who sent you this list.

 

[moreluck]

A Night on the Town

A couple was going out for a rare night on the town. They
dressed up
in their finest clothes, called a cab and put the cat out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home,
the cat
shot between their legs, back into the house and up the stairs.

They did not want the often rowdy cat to have the run of the
house
while they were gone, so while his wife waited in the taxi, the
husband
went upstairs to chase the cat back out.

Not wanting the cab driver to know that the house would be left
empty, the woman explained to him, "My husband is just going
upstairs
to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said,
"Sorry I
took so long. Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I
had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"