Heard Any Good Ones: Archive

[moreluck]

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Perhaps you've seen some of it.

I went for a walk last night and my girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said,"the whole time."

The other day I went to the tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Have you ever noticed....anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.

I put a dollar into one of those change machines....nothing changed.

I don't do drugs anymore because I find I get the same effect just by standing up real fast.

May your life be like toilet paper....long and useful.

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening. Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease and it is 100% fatal.

Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.

 

[moreluck]

GOLF

Bob is going on vacation and sees a golf course and a sign
that says "Get help
from a Pro." So Bob thinks to himself wow I can get some
help with my golf game.
So he goes there and says to the pro "I'm going to hit a
couple of golf balls and
then will you tell me what I'm doing wrong?"

The pro says "yeah sure."

So Bob hits the first one and it goes to the right. Bob asks
what he was doing
wrong the pro says "loft". Bob thinks to himself "loft"
whats that? Bob says "ohwell"
and hits another one this one goes to the right and Bob asks
the pro "What did I
do wrong this time?"

The pro again says "loft". Bob thinks to himself "loft
again" and hits another ball
this one goes about 50 yds high and 100 yds out on the
fairway. So Bob asks
"What did I do wrong that time?"

Again the pro says "loft". This time Bob asks the pro what
"loft" means.

The pro answers: "lack of frigging tallent"

 

[moreluck]

Following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline and control
towers from around the world:

The controller working a busy pattern told the
727 on downwind to make a
three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to
provide spacing between
aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do
you know it costs us two
thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this
airplane"?

Without missing a beat the controller replied,
"Roger, give me four
thousand dollars worth!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

PSA was following United, taxiing out for
departure. PSA called the tower
and said "Tower, this is United 586, we've got
a little problem, so go
ahead and let PSA go first."

The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff
before United had a chance to
object to the impersonation!


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after
landing with his approach
speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower:
"American 751 heavy, turn
right at the end if able.... If not able, take
the Guadeloupe exit off of
Highway 101 and return to the airport."


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Western Airlines had a term for its second
officers. The term was "GIB,"
which stood for, "Guy In Back." The term was
strictly unofficial and was
actually frowned upon by the management at
Western.

It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been
browsing through a dictionary
and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a
castrated tomcat.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and
a Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order
to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're
following a 727, one
o'clock and three miles."

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow
him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow
is a Malibu, eleven
o'clock and three miles. Do you have that
traffic?"

Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick
southern drawl): "Well ...I've
got something down there. Can't quite tell if
it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Unknown Aircraft: "I'm BLEEP g bored!".
Air Traffic Control: Last aircraft
transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was BLEEP g bored,
not BLEEP g stupid."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff,
contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
Departure ...by the way, as
we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal
on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff,
contact Departure on 124.7,
did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff and yes, we copied
Eastern and we've already notified our
caterers."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329, traffic
is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3
miles, eastbound."

" United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to
say this...I've got that
Fokker in sight."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport
are a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location but how to
get there without any assistance from them. So
it was with some amusement
that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt
ground control and a British Airways 747 (call
sign "Speedbird 206") after
landing:

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt,
Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your
gate!"

The British Airways 747 pulled onto the main
taxiway and stopped.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you
are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking
up the gate location now."

Ground (with impatience "Speedbird 206, haff
you never flown to
Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, in 1944. But I
didn't stop."

 

[moreluck]

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
accompanying
their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable
testimonials, the
publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all
the wives of businessmen
who used the special rates, asking them how they enjoyed
their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

 

[moreluck]

A Rich Man's Kindness

One day, a wealthy man was riding down a street in the back of his
limousine.
Turning a corner, he looked out the window and noticed two
men on the side of
the road eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got
out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"Because, sir, we don't have money for food," the poor man
replied.

"Well, come along with me then!"

"But, sir, I have a wife and 2 kids."

"Bring them along! And you come too," he said to the second
man.

"But, sir, I have a wife and 7 kids!"

"Bring them all," the wealthy man said.

So all of them piled into the limo, which was no easy task
even though the wealthy
man's limo was one of the biggest.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, we really
appreciate your
kindness!"

The rich man replied, "No, it is I who appreciate all of
you! The grass at my house
is 3 feet tall!"

 

[my2cents]

New FMLA ruling: Gilliam v. UPS, 7th Circuit-- http://laws.lp.findlaw.com/7th/993942.html

 

[cheryl]

The Recount
George W. Bush, meet Edgar A. Poe.

BY CLAUDIA ROSETT
Thursday, November 30, 2000 12:01 a.m. EST

Once I ran, already weary, in a campaign long and dreary
Full of things that sounded like they'd all been said before.
When we finally got to voting I had hope of voters noting
All that baggage Gore was toting, all those whoppers gone before.
Surely we had heard it all. Just mark your vote for Bush or Gore
Make up your mind, and nothing more.

Then--can anyone remember?--'twas the seventh of November
With each eager network anchor rushing totals to the fore.
They declared I was the winner, then, with margins looking thinner
I almost lost my vict'ry dinner when I heard back from Al Gore--
Saying he would not concede, not while his foot was in the door
Could this recount run forever, this endeavor to be sure?
Quoth the Gore team: "Evermore."

So began the grand theatrics 'midst a mob of geriatrics
As we all surveyed the ballots once approved by Ms. LePore
With the Democrats decrying deadlines meant for certifying,
And my victory denying, saying we must count some more,
While the chads were swinging, flying, piling up upon the floor
Gore insisting, "Count some more!"

Then the lawyers brought their cases, and the lesson of this race is
Keep elections for the voters, and the lawyers please abjure
Or amidst the legal baiting and political berating
There will be no contemplating that our country matters more
Than this endless legal filing till the voters, getting sore,
Start opining, "What a bore."

Deep into the future peering, waiting for the final hearing
Asking where is the authority that can control Al Gore?
If the recount doesn't please him, is there no way to appease him?
Does no sense of justice seize him? No alternative to war?
On the airwaves comes his answer, he will fight forevermore.
Just no end to all the Gore.

And so we've gone on, gone on counting, with the lawsuits ever mounting
And the numbers ever changing, all to tilt the vote to Gore.
"Fuzzy math!," I cry, despairing, but Al Gore fights on, uncaring
Does he plan to to go on daring me to wait until '04?
Every time I win the recount, and the markets start to soar
Gore comes wailing, "Count some more!"

So I say let's join the rally, there's a Tallahassee tally
That has ere provided amply what Gore wants us to ignore.
He'd rather fuss and stew and bicker while the land grows ever sicker
And his count gets ever slicker than the mess it was before.
If it really is America we all are voting for
Then enough of this uproar!

In the face of Al Gore's mission, I'm attempting my transition,
Though Bill Clinton has the keys and says he won't unlock the door
Till his veep has finished stealing all those votes he has a feeling
Sort of might be found in dealing with these ballot counts galore.
It is time to get this over; if it's left to Mr. Gore
We will count forevermore!

Ms. Rosett is a member of The Wall Street Journal's editorial board. Her column appears Thursdays on OpinionJournal.com and in The Wall Street Journal Europe as "Letter From America."

 

[moreluck]

FOR MARTHA STEWART HATERS EVERYWHERE....

Dear Santa,

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I
don't need
diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers.
I only
want one little thing, and I want it deeply.

I want to slap Martha Stewart. Now, hear me out, Santa.
I won't
scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack,
right
across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just
thinking
about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for
thousands
of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious
satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all.

Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't
concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good
about
ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them
on the
counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha
showing
us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in
18-carat
gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the
furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's
creamy
holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't
even say
turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But
I'll bet
with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that
interview with
Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there
was enough
room on the page for her ego.

We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out
pizza
(she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold
(No cold
pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?). When it was pointed
out that
she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a
microwave."
The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this
"in a tone
that suggests you shouldn't either." Well lah-dee-dah.

Imagine that, Santa. That lovely microwave you brought
me years
ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes
like
popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable
by Queen
Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of
dishes
adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you
spell
"overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes
make it to
the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my
house.

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday
gifts for
friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves
for
everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you.
Amazing
scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself
a little
pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such
frequency that
one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for
the 90s"
and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in
stain
removal, how to iron a monogram how to fold a towel." I
have one
piece of advice, Martha: get new friends. Glamorous
friends fly
to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on
yachts,
sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out
for the
evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by
tuxedoed
chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the
finer art
of toilet bowl sanitation.

Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25
most
influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother
Theresa,
Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).

The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought
white-fleshed
peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me
buy them.
In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never
decides
to jump off a bridge.

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up
early to
rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild
blackberries for
breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about
Martha all
along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands.
Teaching
the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha
treats
her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the
Knopf
Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change,
really.
Just $5,000. But what price a friendship, right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies,
"Don't envy
me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You
shouldn't
envy teachers. You should listen to them."

Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this
point,
because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't
be held
back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It
is only
admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha.

And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares
herself an
"important presence" as she graciously helps people
organize
their sad, tacky little lives.

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who
deserved
a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get
my gift
this year.

You probably want to smack her yourself.

 

[moreluck]

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his coworkers.
Thinking he'd try the
game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he
knew nothing
whatever about golf.

The pro showed him the stance and the swing, then said,
"Just hit the ball toward
the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the
fairway and onto the
green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the
pro finally said, after he was
able to speak again.

"Oh, great! Now you tell me," said the beginner in a
disgusted tone.

 

[moreluck]

A panda walks into a pub and sits down for a drink. While
he's downing his pint, he
looks across and sees a beautiful woman at the end of the
bar, so he pulls up a
stool next to her. They talk for awhile and hit it off.

Then the panda says," God, I could go for a bite to eat,"
and the woman says she
will buy him a meal. Back at her place after the fulfilling
meal, one thing leads to
another, and the panda ends up having sex with the woman.

In the morning as the panda is about to leave, the woman
says to him, "Hey wait a
sec, I'm a prostitute." Seeing the baffled expression on the
Panda's face she tells
him to look it up in the dictionary.

So the Panda looks up "prostitute," and the definition says,
"Takes money for sex."


After reading this, the panda relaxes and says, "That's all
right because I'm a
panda."

The woman, confused, looks up "panda" in the dictionary and
reads the definition:
"Eats shoots and leaves."

 

[vic]

Three turkeys were trying to decide where they should go on Christmas
so they wouldn't be eaten. The first one said he was going to hide in
the barn all day.
The second said he had been practicing how to bark like a dog & he was
going to hide in the doghouse.
The third turkey said he didn't have to hide on Christmas Day.
The other two were amazed by his bravery.
"What will you do in order not to be eaten?" they wondered.
The turkey exclaimed, "I'm going to Florida.
The people there can't decide which turkey to pick!"

 

[vic]

STUPID CRIMINAL STORIES

The owner of the Takin' Care of Business cleaning service reportedly did first-class work on his job at Richmond International Airport in Virginia. As it turns out, he was cleaning up in more ways than one. The man managed to steal several thousand dollars from a United Airlines drop safe with a little help from his vacuum cleaner. Richmond police say the man used the vacuum's hose to suck up cash, checks, and credit card receipts from the narrow drop slot of the safe during his nightly rounds. When the deposits began disappearing, bewildered airport authorities set up a surveillance camera near the safe, and managed to videotape the cleaning man in the act of "takin' care of business."

A Lubbock, TX man who was arrested for threatening his family may face additional charges. Police say that while being booked for the original assault, the man called his wife from the police station and threatened to kill her as soon as he was released. Unfortunately for the suspect, jail authorities were listening in on the conversation.

A man in Ontario, Canada returned home one evening to find his more valuable and easily-fenced goodies stacked neatly beside the door. When the homeowner saw the living room was also spattered with blood, he feared the worst for his beloved house pet, a large African parrot. The parrot was alive, though in a nasty mood, and investigators determined that the blood in the room hadn't come from the bird. The mystery was solved a short time later when police arrested a scratched, clawed, and thoroughly terrified burglar hiding nearby. The man told the cops he'd broken into the house when the parrot suddenly attacked him. The suspect fled empty-handed when the parrot launched an all-out attack on his eyes. The man told police, "I'd rather go to jail than face that bird again."

A man was arrested in Westport, CN after he brought a chainsaw into a local restaurant and carved his initials into the floor. The man told police he knew the owner and was sure he would find the stunt hilarious. What he didn't know is that his friend had recently sold the restaurant to another man, who had no idea who the chainsaw-wielding comedian was.

A Brunswick, GA man pulled a residential burglary and made off with a cell phone, video game system, and digital camera. He might have gotten away with it, if he hadn't taken his own picture with the digital camera before hocking it at a local pawnshop. His image was still in the camera's memory when the victim went to the shop to identify it. She told police the man in the picture had asked her about renting a house the day of the burglary. The owner of the pawnshop positively identified the suspect as the man who had pawned the camera. After being confronted with the evidence, the man confessed to the crime.

How's this one for a frivolous lawsuit? A Georgia man is suing the makers of Liquid Fire drain cleaner for burns he suffered on his legs while using the product. Liquid Fire is normally packaged in a spill-proof container, but the man said he thought the original package looked flimsy, so he poured the contents into a homemade container of his own design. He was burned by the product after it leaked out of the "safer" homemade container. He's arguing that if the original package had looked sturdier, he wouldn't have felt the need to change containers, and thus wouldn't have gotten burned.

A student activist From Oshkosh, WI was running for the state legislature on a "privacy" platform, demanding stronger laws to protect privacy on the Internet. The candidate's campaign ended after he was arrested for stealing another man's identity and taking more than $2000 from his bank account. He was caught after a teller at the bank where the thefts took place saw him campaigning on a local television program.

An armed robber in Cedar Rapids, Iowa got his cash, fled the bank and hopped into his getaway car, no doubt pleased with himself over a job well done. The thief's vanity ended up being his undoing since the car was sporting a personalized license plate that featured the man's last name. It didn't take the cops long to find him.

 

[moreluck]

> > >Subject: Breaking News
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >CNN/ ABC /CBS and NBC are revisiting the outcome of the
> > United States
> > > >Civil War - it appears that it was too close to call and
> > the South
> > > >may still have a chance!
> > > >
> > > >Documents were found that support the fact that some
> > people joined
> > > >the wrong side - apparently they weren't aware that their
> > states were
> > > >in the South and they were fighting for the North.
> > > >
> > > >A recount of all the battles are now being simulated with
> > new
> > > >populations, via computer, to see who would have
> > actually won. Right
> > > >now it's just too close to call.
> > > >
> > > >Both the Union and the Confederacy are claiming victory.
> > > >
> > >
> > >
> >
>

 

[moreluck]

In an effort to build unity, and in the spirit of cooperation,
> President-elect Bush is extending the hand of friendship to Al Gore and
> will offer him a position in his administration .....Ambassador to Chad.
> =========================================================
> New bumper sticker seen on a Florida car: "Don't blame me, I voted for
> both of them."
> =========================================================
> Regis Philbin has invited both Gore and Bush to appear on the new
> "Who wants to be President". The first one to correctly answer 20
> questions about world geography will be declared the president.
> The loser gets to be governor of Florida.
> ========================================================
>

 

[moreluck]

Three turkeys were trying to decide where they should go on
Christmas
so they wouldn't be eaten. The first one said he was going to hide in
the barn all day.
The second said he had been practicing how to bark like a dog & he
was
going to hide in the doghouse.
The third turkey said he didn't have to hide on Christmas Day.
The other two were amazed by his bravery.
"What will you do in order not to be eaten?" they wondered.
The turkey exclaimed, "I'm going to Florida.
The people there can't decide which turkey to pick!"

 

[moreluck]

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell.
She immediately called Saint Peter and said,

"This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!"

She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on
it. The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called
him
again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she
begged.

"There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!"

"Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right
away."

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning
Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up
the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.

He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"

 

[moreluck]

Santa is a Girl!
>
> I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth,
> but I believe he's a she.
>
> Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy,
> nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could
> possibly pull it all off!
>
> For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
> selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always
> seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood
>
> rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a
>
> woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up
> Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree,
> still
> in the bag.
>
> Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
> there
> would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped
> on
> to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that
> buck
> season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to
> the
> taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
>
> transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in
> the
> snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
>
> Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: Men can't pack a bag.
> Men
> would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Men would feel
> their
> masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. Men
> don't
> answer their mail. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be
> described
> even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." Men
> aren't
> interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. Having to do
> the
> 'Ho Ho Ho' thing would seriously harm their macho image.
>
> Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I
> can
> buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men... Father
> Time
> shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
> Cupid
> flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to
> point
> fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone
> screening
> test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance
>
>
>
>
>

 

[moreluck]

The Recount Before Christmas......
> 'Twas the 12th of December
> And all through the state
> Florida's counters
> Were staying up late
> To count and recount
> And count them some more
> Till they found enough votes
> To favor Al Gore.
>
> They counted all night
> And into the day
> And soon Bush's lead
> Was slipping away.
>
> But still not enough
> To make Gore the winner
> So they counted some more,
> Through lunch and through dinner.
>
> "I need help to win this,"
> Al Gore told a friend
> "And I know just the man
> On whom to depend."
>
> And so Richard Daley
> Mounted his sled
> And flew to Cook County
> To wake up the dead.
>
> He brought in Gore votes
> From all sorts of places
> He filled up his sled
> With votes in suitcases.
>
> He found Gore support
> From the sons and daughters
> Of Lincoln, and Adams,
> And Monroe supporters.
>
> He found votes in jails,
> He resurrected Granny
> He even got three votes
> From Zoe Baird's nanny.
>
> When these votes were counted
> The Gore team was mad
> Bush was still winning
> By one dimpled chad.
>
> So they twisted and bent them
> And let in some light
> "If they're hanging, or pregnant,
> They're Algore's, by right."
>
> "Thirty votes for Bush"
> Shouted Counter Number Four.
> But then Jesse Jackson
> Walked in through the door.
>
> "You must be a racist,
> That's all I can say.
> Those votes are for Algore,
> Now pass them my way."
>
> The Democrats cheered
> For Gore would survive.
> But then all those military
> Votes did arrive.
>
> It seemed that the troops
> Feared a President Gore,
> So in came their Bush votes.
> And in came some more.
>
> It may look like a Bush vote
> But just wait a minute
> Gore can't find a postmark
> Without or within it.
>
> Sailors at sea
> Could have swum to the shore
> The fact that they didn't
> Means they voted for Gore.
>
> "These votes should be mine,"
> Algore ranted and raved,
> "I should have won,
> The system's depraved."
>
> "Let's throw out the system,
> Let's throw out the law;
> Bush cannot win this"
> He said through clenched jaw.
>
> "Let's discredit Harris,
> Abuse and revile
> Let's make her the villain"
> Said Gore with a smile.
>
> "Treat her like Willey
> Like Broaddrick, like Jones.
> Make fun of her hair,
> And her eyes, and her bones.
>
> Challenge her motives--
> She's corrupt to the core--
> And I'm a poor victim.
> I am Algore."
>
> "If O. J.'s not guilty
> Then surely I've won.
> Bring on the lawyers,
> Let's start the fun.
>
> Throw tantrums! And challenge!
> Spin! and distort!
> If we can't win this by counting,
> We'll win this in court."
>
> And on came the lawyers
> Like vultures to prey
> They argued all night
> And they argued all day.
>
> They found lots of loopholes
> And, here's a sad hitch,
> The country grew poorer
> While the lawyers got rich.
>
> It's a very sad day
> The country's a mess.
> Algore has stained it
> Like Monica's dress.
>
> Al, stop all this counting
> Heed Clinton's advice--
> If you think you've been wronged,
> Just put on some ice.
>
> Don't drag this country
> Through lawsuits galore
> Spare us--please spare us--
> Step down now, Al Gore.

 

[moreluck]

The Top 40 Election Dan Ratherisms


40."This thing is tighter than Joan River's face, and damn near
as
frightening."

39."We're pumped here in the newsroom, like the sleep-deprived
junkie who gave me these pills at the walk-in clinic."

38."If I had a nickel for every one of those 19,000 rejected
ballots, I'd be sitting at about 950 bucks right now."

37."It's tighter than a prairie dog's butt in a dust bowl!"

36."As the fight for the White House drags onto into the 11th
round, Gore must feel like a desperate boxer and I'll bet
Bush's ear is looking mighty tasty right now."

35."Voters are pulling on their ballot levers like rats trying to
get
a pellet in a Skinner box!"

34."Well, hold me down and stomp me like a hamster in a crush
video, this has been one long night."

33."This race is tighter than a face lift on a 50 year
auditioning for
'Dawson's Creek'."

32."If Florida is 'the big tamale', then Texas must be 'M-m-m-my
Chalupa!'"

31."Tonight we've seen more ups and downs than a Viagra
conference."

30."It's all about chads. Chads, chads, chads. Chad, chad,
bo-bad,
banana-fana, fo-fad. Chad."

29."This race is about as hard to call as a deaf hog up a
sassafras
tree."

28."You put Florida in; you put Florida out. You put Florida in;
then you shake it all about."

27."It's a steelcage deathmatch between the bubbas and the
bubbes, and I'm not bettin' bupkes on the outcome."

26."Politics makes strange bedfellows and this election is so
close, Bush and Gore may have to move bunkbeds into the
Lincoln bedroom."

25."This race is tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter during Gay
Pride week."

24."We take it on faith that kissing your sister gets either old
or
illegal after the second week."

23."George W. Bush is like a whorehouse pianist -- he can see the
prize, but he can't touch it."

22."This election is bouncing around like Dolly Parton jumping
rope on speed."

21."Bush thought of his brother as a giant electoral PEZ
dispenser, but when he snapped his head back on November 7,
what he pulled out of Governor Jeb's neck was not the sweet
cherry-red 'Bush' candy he'd been counting on but the bitter
lemon-yellow candy known as 'Undecided', and he's surely
finding it hard to swallow."

20."Controversy is bubblin' like a gut full o' bad gumbo."

19."This race is tighter than Ted Kennedy at a single-malt
chugoff, and somebody just opened up the Glenlivet."

18."Those Florida results are gyrating like my tongue in Diane
Sawyer's ear last night."

17."The recount room is locked up tighter than an Iowa trailer
park in tornado season."

16."I may not know the frequency, Kenneth, but I can count to
270, and we ain't there yet."

15."This one's tighter than Rush Limbaugh's bike shorts."

14."This one's a crotch-grabber, folks, and I'll bet a handful of
nuts it won't be over any time soon."

13."Tell grandma to take her teeth out of the glass, this'll be a
nail biter."

12."This race is stickier than a pine cone enema on a hot night
in
the bayou."

11."The vote count in Florida is stopped up worse than 'Yours
Truly' after a bit too much queso."

10."This one is working out to be a hum-dinger, only the fat lady
ate all the hums and is now eyeing the dingers."

9."The margin of victory in New Mexico is tighter than Britney
Spears's tube top, and just as likely to piss off
Republicans."

8."...and where the hell are my pants?!"

7."This recount is like a too long movie with too sticky floors
in a
too crowded Times Square with too few cabs and too many
hookers."

6."The Florida voter may be getting screwed harder than a
drunken Paula Zahn at CBS's Christmas party."

5."Elections are like a box of chocolates, and in Florida, this
one
seems to be running away from Forrest Gore."

4."Just remember: if your grandma had wheels, you could use
her for luggage."

3."If Gore loses Florida, you can call Ned Beatty and fire up
'Dueling Banjos' because Al will be squealing like a pig."

2."The American people wanted just a quickie, but it looks like
they're going to be paying for the full night. With kink."

and the Number 1 Election Dan Ratherism...

1."Don't shake the pee pee yet, this contest is still flowing!"

 

[moreluck]

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together
at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they
would each have to answer one
question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of
the ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered
quickly, "That would be the
Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't
REALLY need all the odors that
this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a
little harder: "How many people
died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen
the movie and answered,
"about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."