Heard Any Good Ones: Archive

[moreluck]

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While
the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on
his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even
looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-
natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his
wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his
kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes
towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour,
who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays,
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

 

[moreluck]

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private
club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the
benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I
buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001
models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the
salesman, and he gave me a really good price, and since we need to
exchange the BMW that we bought last year!"

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000!"

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else!"

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I
stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw
the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one
with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area,
beachfront property?"

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price - and I see that we have that much
in the bank to!"

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie, thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye! I do too."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while
holding the phone and asks to all those present:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

 

[moreluck]

Farmer Joe's Accident.....

Farmer Joe decided that his injuries from an accident were serious
enough to take
the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,?'"
asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I
had just loaded my
favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted.
"Just answer the question: Did
you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the
trailer and I was driving down
the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying
to establish the fact
that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
highway patrolman on the
scene that he was fine. Now, several weeks after the
accident, he is trying to sue
my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question."

By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Farmer
Joe's answer and said to the
lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying,
I had just loaded
Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the
highway, when this huge
semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my
truck right in the side. I
was thrown into one ditch, and Bessie was thrown into the
other. I was hurting real
bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol'
Bessie moaning and
groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her
groans.

"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the
scene. He could
hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her.
After he looked at her,
he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the
patrolman came
across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape that I had to
shoot her."

"How are you feeling ?"

 

[moreluck]

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the
radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The
state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you
been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good
Lord, He's done it again!"

 

[moreluck]

A guy was pulled over by a cop.
The cop says to the guy you're eyes are bloodshot
have you been drinking. The guy says tothe cop
you're eyes are glazed have you been eating donuts

 

[jack]

A NEW ENGINEERING DEFINITION

AlGoreithm (n: al-gore-ith-m):
Any method of calculation performed
repeatedly until a desired result is
produced

 

[moreluck]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.
When the usher came
by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir,
but you're only
allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The
usher became
impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm
going to have to call the
manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who
turned and
marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments,
both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the
man. Together the
two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no
success. Finally, they
summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right buddy, what's your
name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop
asked.

And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

 

[flimflam]

BUSH LEGAL TEAM SEEKS TO ENJOIN SANTA FROM CHECKING LIST TWICE
Lack of Standards Decried
By S. Artist

AUSTIN, Tx (Dec. 16) - Attorneys for President-Elect George W. Bush filed suit
in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then
checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved
Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of
checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a
federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive
and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as
submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary
modification."

"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's
totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check?
This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now,"
said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing
all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty'
instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."

Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted
what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole." "Their
security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked
right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."

Meanwhile, Vice President-Elect Dick Cheney, issued a direct plea to St.
Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit
checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand
closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected
a name for the pony she's asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with
plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The
"Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and
sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokeself said he was
"deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.

"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho Ho' for days," said the
spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."

Experts feel that future Christmas celebrations could be placed in jeopardy.
Santa is apparantly not qualified for any other job, and no one is sure what
he might do if he loses this battle.

 

[moreluck]

.The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene
> > >> > in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious
>
> > >> > constitutional reason.
> > >> >
> > >> > They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a
> > >> > virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem however
> > >> > finding enough asses to fill the stable.
> > >> >

 

[moreluck]

Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good
> but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship"
poem
> that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!
>
> My Friend:
> When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
against
> the sorry bastard who made you sad.
> When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
> When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.
> When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
> When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much
> worse it could be and to quit whining.
> When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain it to your
dumb
> <FONT COLOR="ff0000">•••</FONT>.
> When you are sick, ...stay away from me until your well again. I don't
want
> whatever you have.
> This is my oath, ...I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're
my
> friend.
>
>

 

[moreluck]

Why Dogs Can't Use Computers.....

* Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing
www.purina.com instead of working.

* SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.

* He can't help attacking the screen when he hears, "You've Got Mail."

* He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

* It's too messy to "mark" every website he visits.

* The 'fetch" command isn't available on all platforms.

* Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

* The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

* He can't stick his head out of Windows 98.

 

[moreluck]

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident.
The woman's face
was burned severely. The Doctor told the husband they
couldn't graft any skin
from her body because she was too skinny.

The husband then donated some of his skin ..... however, the
only place suitable
to the Doctor was from his buttocks.

The husband requested that no one be told of this, because
after all this was a
very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at
the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before!

All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her
youthful beauty.

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to
thank him for what
he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me!
There is no way I could ever repay you!"

He replied, "Oh, don't worry, Honey, I get plenty of thanks
every time your
Mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"

 

[moreluck]

Old is when...

Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and
you answer, "Honey,
I can't do both!"

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and
you're barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the
garage door.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go
along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by
the police.

"Getting a little action" means, "I don't need to take any
fiber today."

"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

You start saying things like, "Gee, this sebaceous cyst is
killing me!"

Someone mistakes you for a sun-dried tomato while you're
shopping at the
grocery store.

An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

 

[moreluck]

Iraqi vs. American


Average Iraqi

Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle
of
the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors

Average American

Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme
park

Average Iraqi

Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation

Average American

Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards

Average Iraqi

Lines up by the thousands to die for country

Average American

Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty

Average Iraqi

Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and
embargo
by West

Average American

Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include
McCookies

Average Iraqi

Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise

Average American

Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the
ground, you die

Average Iraqi

Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest

Average American

Has beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip

Average Iraqi

Thinks Saddam Hussein is a political genius

Average American

Thinks Saddam Hussein makes Dan Quayle seem like Einstein

 

[moreluck]

Election Decision


The Florida Supreme Court came to a momentous
decision in the presidential election
debacle, providing much needed stability to the
country in the face of the relentless
uncertainty that has gripped the nation.

By unanimous vote, the capital of the state of
Florida will henceforth be known as
Tally-hassle.

 

[flimflam]

For the non-college experienced among you, you'll have to forgive
me for the academic nature of this next one, but those who have been
in very many college courses are *sure* to love it.

The Best and Worst Comments Received about college classes:

"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."

"In class, the syllabus is more important that you are."

"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"

"Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."

"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."

"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame"

"Textbook is confusing...
someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."

"Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another?
That's the way I felt all term."

"This class was a religious experience for me...
I had to take it all on faith."

"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant.
Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."

"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was,
where I was, and what I was doing -- It's a great stress reliever."

"He is one of the best teachers I have had...
He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest
in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of
getting tenure."

"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels.
They've got a cool nest in the tree."

"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."

"TA steadily improved throughout the course...
I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up."

"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose--
spraying in all directions--
no way to stop it."

"I never bought the text.
My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used while
doing the problem sets"

"What's the quality of the text?
'Text is printed on high quality paper.'"

"The course was very thorough.
What wasn't covered in class was covered on the final exam."

 

[moreluck]

Press Release - Christmas and Chanukah Merger:

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and
acquisitions, it was announced today at a press
conference
that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. According to
reliable industry sources, the deal has been in the works
for
about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim
Empire.

While not all details were available at press time, it is
believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of
Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming
prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces,
reporters
were told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently
high
quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah,
as
the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and
maids a-milking being hardest hit. Under conditions of
the
agreement, the letters on the dreydl,currently in Hebrew,
will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible
to a
much wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A
great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl
will be the more generic: "Miraculous stuff happens."



In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to
use
Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for
buying and delivering their gifts. One of the sticking
points
holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years
was the question of whether Jewish children could leave
milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat
for
dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreo cookies
were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared
happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether
a
takeover of Kwanzaa might be in the works as well. He
merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent
existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and
Chanukah might invite antitrust scrutiny as an unfair
cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all
concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the
competitive balance. He then closed the press conference
by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy,
Come
All Ye Faithful."

 

[moreluck]

Bill Clinton and Al Gore were discussing their marital problems one
morning.

Al says to Bill, "You know, I never slept with my wife before we were
married - did you?"

Bill responds, "I don't know. What was her name before you married
her?"

 

[moreluck]

In an interview, Pamela Anderson said that if she were Hillary, she
would leave President
Clinton.

In response, Clinton said, "If Pamela Anderson were Hillary, none of
this would have
happened in the first place."

 

[moreluck]

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune
teller of some local
repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the
mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your
husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle,
then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had
to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and
asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"