Heard Any Good Ones: Archive

[moreluck]

(Been away in the Buckeye State)

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a 10 ft. fence. He was out the next morning just roaming around the zoo.

A 20 ft. fence was put up and again he got out.

When the fence was 40 ft. high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

 

[moreluck]

MAN, WIFE & COP.....

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rearview mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

The officer says, "You were going 75 miles per hour in a 55 zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you."

Man: "No sir, I was going a little over 60 mph."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, You were going at least 80!" (the man gives his wife a dirty look)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tailight."

Man: "Broken tailight? I didn't know about a broken tailight!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tailight for weeks!" (man gives her another dirty look)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt!"

The man turns to his wife and says, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up!"

The officer turns to the woman and says, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife: "No officer, only when he's drunk."

 

[hr]

Advice for Employers Regarding Women Employees
The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine.

This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II - a mere 54 years ago! Obviously, the intent was not to be "funny," but by today's standards, this is hilarious! For those of you with efficiency issues, pay attention to #8.
------------------------------------
Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees:

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.

Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the
importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time - the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.

 

[moreluck]

Images of Mom......

4 yr. old - My mommy can do anything.

8 yr. old - My mommy knows a lot! A whole lot!

12yr. old - My mother doesn't really know quite
everything.

14yr. old - Naturally, mother doesn't know that
either.

16yr. old - Mother? She's hopelessly old fashioned

18yr. old - That old woman? She's way out of date!

25yr. old - Well, she might know a little bit
about it.

35yr. old - Before we decide, let's get mom's
opinion.

45yr. old - Wonder what mom would've thought about
it.

65yr. old - Wish I could talk it over with mom.

 

[moreluck]

Signs That You Are From New York .......

You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

You secretely envy cabbies for their driving skills.

You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Bldg.

Hookers & Homeless are invisible.

The subway makes sense.

You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

You've considered slugging someone just for saying, "the big apple".

Your door has more than 3 locks.

Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.

The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

You call an 8'x10' plot of patchy grass a yard.

You complain about having to mow it.

You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Wapner.

 

[vic]

Man With No Ears

There was this man who was in a horrible accident,
and was injured. But the only permanent damage he
suffered was the amputation of both of his ears.
As a result of this 'unusual' handicap, he was
very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum
of money from the insurance company. It was always
his dream to own his own business, so he decided
with all this money he had, he now had the means
to own a business. So he went out and purchased a
small, but expanding computer firm. But he
realized that he had no business knowledge at all,
so he decided that he would have to hire someone
to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and
interviewed each of them. The first interview went
really well. He really liked this guy. His last
question for this first candidate was, 'Do you
notice anything unusual about me?' The guy said,
'Now that you mention it, you have no ears.'
The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the
first. This candidate was much better than the
first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man
asked the same question again, 'Do you notice
anything unusual about me?'
This guy also noticed, 'Yes, you have no ears.'
The man was really upset again, and threw this
second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview.. The third
candidate was even better than the second, the
best out of all of them. Almost certain that he
wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked,
'Do you notice anything unusual about me?'
The guy replied 'Yeah, you're wearing contact
lenses.'
Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's
quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?'

The guy burst out laughing and said, 'Well, You
can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!'

 

[vic]

Golfing Father

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning
and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful
and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to
play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor
that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say
Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room,
Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course
about forty miles away. This way he knew he
wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his
parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was
alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and
everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the
Lord while looking down from the heavens and
exclaimed, 'You're not going to let him get away
with this, are you?'
The Lord sighed, and said, 'No, I guess not.'

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot
straight towards the pin, dropping just short of
it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420
YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He
looked at the Lord and asked, 'Why did you let
him do that?'
The Lord smiled and replied, 'Who's he going to
tell?'

 

[moreluck]

A Sweet Deal.....

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50/50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-in-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a money making organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

 

[moreluck]

* * * * * Clinton Tragedy * * * * *

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No", Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 kids drove off a cliff killing everyone aboard...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent. None of the other children volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice he says, "If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," said the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

 

[moreluck]

NEW YORKER'S IN HEAVEN....

St. Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York City showed up.

Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door, St. Peter said he would have to check with God.

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the 10 most virtuous from the group.

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone, they're gone!"

"What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God.

"No!" replied St. Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

 

[moreluck]

L.A.P.D.......

The LAPD,the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at apprehending criminals. The president decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into the forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After 3 months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After 2 weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out 2 hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

 

[moreluck]

ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS....

Pres. Clinton came back from a trip to Arkansas. When he stepped off the plane, an army officer saluted him.

President: "I'd love to salute you back, but as you can see I'm carrying a pig in each arm!"

Officer: "Yes sir! Nice pigs sir!"

President: "These aren't just any pigs. These are Arkansas Razorbacks!"

Officer: "Yes sir! Nice Arkansas Razorbacks sir!"

President: "I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."

Officer: "Yes sir! Good trade sir!"

 

[retired]

Ode to Old Age
Just a line to say I'm living,
That I'm not among the dead,
Though I'm getting more forgetful
And all mixed up inside my head.

I got used to my arthritis,
To my dentures, I'm resigned.
I can manage my bifocals
But, Dear God, I miss my mind.

Sometimes I can't remember
When I'm at the foot of stairs
If I must go up for something
Or if I've just come down from there.

And before the fridge so often,
My poor mind is filled with doubt.
Have I put some food away in there?
Or have I come to take it out?

And there's a time when it is dark
And I stop and hold my head.
I don't know if I'm retiring
Or just getting out of bed.

So, if it's my turn to write you,
There's no need in getting sore.
I may think that I have written
And don't want to be a bore.

So remember that I love you
And wish that you were near.
But now it's nearly mail time,
So must say, "Good Bye, My Dear."

Here I stand before the mailbox
With a face so very red.
For instead of mailing you my letter,
I went and opened it instead!

 

[cheryl]

Great Truths About Life For Little Children

* No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

* When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.

* Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

* You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

* Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

* Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

* Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

* Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

* School lunches stick to the wall.

* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
No matter how cute the underwear is.

 

[moreluck]

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF......

You let your 12 yr. old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You've been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your junior/senior prom has a daycare.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas you put in it.

You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.

You think the Bud Bowl is real.

You think "6-10 lbs." on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.

Your kids have a 3 day old Kool-Aid mustache.

Your grandma has ammo on her Xmas list.

You have every episode of Hee Haw on tape.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

The trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You refer to the 5th grade as "my senior year."

 

[moreluck]

More...You Might Be A Redneck If....

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

You own more than 3 shirts with the sleeves cut off.

Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.

You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You cut your toenails in front of company.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take the wheels off.

Somebody yells "Hoe-Down!" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

 

[moreluck]

Three women meet at a Women's Liberation Seminar, 1 Australian, 1 American and 1 English.

Two weeks after the seminar they meet and had coffee. The American woman says, "When I got home I told my husband that I was no longer doing the washing all the time. On the 1st day I didn't see anything, but by the third day I noticed my husband started to help out with the wash."

The English woman said, "Wow, I did the same thing and told my husband that I was no longer going to do the ironing all by myself. On the first day I didn't see anything. On the 2nd day I didn't see anything, but on the 3rd day he got the ironing board out and started ironing."

The Australian woman said, "Well when I got home I said to my husband that I was not going to do the cooking all the time and on the first day I didn't see anything. On the second day I didn't see anything. But on the third day, I could just start to see out of my left eye!"

 

[retired]

Lord's Prayer, Child's Version
A six-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord''s Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

 

[retired]

Rules Men Wish Women Knew
1.If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2.Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.

3.Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!

4.Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

5.Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

6.Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

7.Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

8.Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

9.Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

10.No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

11.Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

12.Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we!

 

[retired]

Dog Haiku
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds - I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paper boy - come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man - come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot--
Sniff this and weep

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle

I hate my choke chain
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot -- no greater bliss -- well,
Maybe catching rats

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do

The cat is not all
Bad -- she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls

Dig under fence -- why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

My owners' mood is
Romantic - I lie near their
Feet. I cut a big one.