Heard Any Good Ones: Archive

[moreluck]

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeeemer," he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!" said the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!"

"Oh my God," replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.
"Where's my Rolex???!!!"

 

[moreluck]

THE PREACHER ROSE AND SAID:

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet. Slowly, a 'drop dead' gorgeous blond with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the K.K.K.. I told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"

 

[moreluck]

N.A.S.A.....

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused.

So, the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; They've come to steal your land."

 

[moreluck]

One fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "May I borrow your dog?" The man replied, "Get in line."

 

[moreluck]

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely and I am sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart so he'll need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well.....you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring....So, you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret.......you know, woman to woman."

 

[moreluck]

STUFF...
What do you call an unemployed jester?
Nobody's fool.

What do you say to a Buddhist hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Do not disturb further."

Why don't politicians enjoy the game of golf ?
Because it's too much like their work...being trapped in one bad lie after another.

Sign in cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." (then in pencil beneath the sign) "Socks can eat anywhere they want."

Sign in a restaurant: "T-bone steak 99 cents." (then in fine print underneath) "With meat $14.95."

A hardware store has a sign that reads: "Today's special". (then below in pencil) "So's tomorrow".

Chinese proverb: If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi ?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself ?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away ?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all" ?

 

[flimflam]

I don't usually do chain letters but this one promises a huge return with little or no downside. Check it out.


Opportunity

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired
and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost
anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who
are equally tired and discontented.

Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose
name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the
bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. At the writing of
this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4
were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died and the next
day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man
living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters
waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the
chain, and got his own wife back again. Let's keep it going, men! Just
add your name to the list below!

Bill Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington DC

William Jefferson Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Hallway
Washington DC

W. J. Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Oval Office
Washington DC

William Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Lincoln Bedroom Washington DC

W. Jefferson Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., South Lawn
Washington DC

Willy J. Clinton
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Closet
Washington DC

 

[vic]

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you
buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to
invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions.

Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on
that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked
during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be
listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks
he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short
position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir?
Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market,
which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged
and your broker is making a margin call.

 

[jack]

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

 

[jack]

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus

 

[vic]

> At Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, which is this month, many Jews do
> TASHLIKH, which is the custom of casting bread crumbs, symbolizing one's
> sins, into a running brook. (The act symbolizes the intention to do
> repentance.)
>
> For ordinary sins, use white bread
> For exotic sins, French bread
> For particularly dark sins, pumpernickle or multi-grain
> For twisted sins, pretzels
> For tasteless sins, rice cakes
> For sins of indecision, waffles
> For sins committed in haste, matzo
> For sins of chutzpah, fresh bread
> For arson, toast
> For inhaling, stoned wheat thins
> For auto theft, caraway
> For being ill-tempered, sourdough,
> For illness, nut bread
> For flag waving, Yankee Doodles
> For not giving full value, shortbread
> For excessive use of irony, rye bread
> For telling bad jokes, cornbread
> For hardening our hearts, stale bread
> For being money hungry, raw dough
> For warmongering, kaiser rolls
> For immodest dress, tarts
> For causing injury or damage to others, tortes
> For promiscuity, hot buns
> For racism, crackers
> For cold-heartedness, frozen bread
> For sins of neglect, moldy bread
> For singing off tune, flatbread
> For upbraiding another, challah
> For indecent pornography, cheese cake
> For trashing the environment, dumplings
> For sins of laziness, any long loaf
> For sins of pride, puff pastry
> For lying, baked goods with Nutrasweet & Olestra
> For sins of the righteous, angel food cake
> For selling your soul, devil's food cake
> For being holier than thou, bagels

 

[moreluck]

GROANER....

> > The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears. They
> were
> > just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have
the
> > family they both desired so fervently.
> >
> > Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you,"
> he
> > said, handing them a card.
> >
> > "Why are you masked?" the husband asked.
> >
> > "Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the
> > address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth
and
> > culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you."
> >
> > "This is the answer to our prayers!" the wife exclaimed. Then she
turned
> to
> > thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she
asked
> > her husband.
> >
> > Looking at the card, he answered, "That was the...Clone Arranger."

 

[moreluck]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat
on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three
in the
morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks,
and rolls
over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the
door and
finds a drunk standing there.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man
and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife
what happened and
she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in
the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby
sitter and you
had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What
would have
happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it
would be the
Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes
downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger
anywhere he
shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are
you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

 

[moreluck]

Lunch or a Movie?

Your attorney and your mother-in-law are
trapped in a burning building. You
only have time to save one of them.

Do you: (1) have lunch?, or (2) go to a
movie?

 

[moreluck]

Freudian Slip

A man goes to a train station to
visit a friend in Pittsburgh. He gets
to the ticket window where the
agent is a busty woman, and
stammers "I want a picket to
titsburg, uh, uh, I mean a ticket to
Pittsburgh, sorry". The agent
says "don't worry, I get that all the
time". Later at his friend's
house, the man tells the story of his
mistake. His friends says
"That's called a freudian slip. It happens
all the time and nobody minds.
Why, just last night I was having
dinner with my wife. I meant to
say pass the salt, but instead it
came out as you 'freakin bimbo
you ruined my life!' "

 

[moreluck]

Money Quotes

What this country needs is a good
five-cent nickel. --Frank Adams

A study of economics usually reveals that
the best time to buy anything is last
year. --Marty Allen

Money, it turned out, was exactly like
sex. You thought of nothing else if you
didn't have it and thought of other things
if you did. --James Baldwin

Many speak the truth when they say that
they despise riches, but they mean
the riches possessed by other men.
--Charles Caleb Colton

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you
shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
--Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

If the nation's economists were laid end
to end, they would point in all
directions. --Arthur H. Motley

Certainly there are things in life that
money can't buy, but it's very funny -- Did
you ever try buying then without money?
--Ogden Nash

In spite of the cost of living, it's still
popular. --Kathy Norris

The wages of sin are death, but after
taxes are taken out, it's just a tired
feeling --Paula Poundstone

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing
is really quite as satisfying as an
income tax refund. --friend. J. Raymond

Money can't buy happiness but it will get
you a better class of memories.
--Ronald Reagan

The income tax has made more liars out of
the American people than golf has.
--Will Rogers

A banker is a fellow who lends you his
umbrella when the sun is shining and
wants it back the minute it begins to
rain. --Mark Twain

I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would
be dangerous to offer me the same
opportunity. --Mark Twain

If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
--Earl Wilson

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I
die by four o'clock. --Henny Youngman

Budget: A method for going broke
methodically. --Unknown

A budget is just a method of worrying
before you spend money, as well as
afterward. --Unknown

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at
math. --Unknown

Recession is when your neighbor loses his
job. Depression is when you lose
your job. These economic downturns are
very difficult to predict, but
sophisticated econometric modeling houses
like Data Resources and Chase
Econometrics have successfully predicted
14 of the last 3 recessions.
--Unknown

While money can't buy happiness, it
certainly lets you choose your own form of
misery. --Unknown

 

[moreluck]

Think!

In the men's room at work, the Boss had
placed a sign directly above the sink.
It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's
room, he looked at the sign and right
below, immediately above the soap
dispenser, someone had carefully lettered
another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

 

[flimflam]

Now I finally know what is causing all the problems I have been having with my computer.

taken from WEEKLY WORLD NEWS Online.

Is Your Computer Possesed by a Demon?

SAVANNAH, Ga. -- Your computer may be possessed by a demon, a leading minister warns.

"While the Computer Age has ushered in many advances, it has also opened yet another door through which Lucifer and his minions can enter and corrupt men's souls," said the Reverend Jim Peasboro, author of an upcoming book,
The Devil in the Machine.

Demons are able to possess anything with a brain, from a chicken to a human being. And today's thinking machines have enough space on their hard drives to accommodate Satan or his pals.

"Any PC built after 1985 has the storage capacity to house an evil spirit," the minister confirmed.
The Savannah clergyman says he became aware of the problem from counseling churchgoers.

"I learned that many members of my congregation became in touch with a dark force whenever they used their computers," he said. "Decent, happily married family men were drawn irresistibly to pornographic websites and forced to witness unspeakable abominations.
"Housewives who had never expressed an impure thought were entering Internet chat rooms and found themselves spewing foul, debasing language they would never use normally.

"One woman wept as she confessed to me, 'I feel when I'm on the computer as if someone else or something else just takes over.' "

The minister said he probed one such case, actually logging onto artificial-intelligence program fired up -- without him clicking it on. "The program began talking directly to me, openly mocked me," he recalls. "It typed out, 'Preacher, you are a weakling and your God is a damn liar.' " Then the device went haywire and started printing out what looked like
gobbledygook.

"I later had an expert in dead languages examine the text," the minister said. "It turned out to be a stream of obscenities written in a
2,800-year-old Mesopotamian dialect!"

Since, then, Rev. Peasboro has researched the problem further and uncovered alarming facts.

"I learned most of the youths involved in school shootings like the tragedy at Columbine were computer buffs," he said. "I have no doubt that computer demons exerted an influence on them."

The minister estimates that one in 10 computers in America now houses some type of evil spirit.

Rev. Peasboro advises that if you suspect your computer is possessed, you consult a clergyman or, if the computer is still under warranty, take it in for servicing. He says, "Technicians can replace the hard drive and reinstall the software, getting rid of the wicked spirit permanently."

 

[moreluck]

The Golfer

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out
golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up
and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into
the woods on the side of the fairway. He
goes looking for his ball and comes across
this little guy with this huge knot on his
head, and the golf ball lying right beside
him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and
proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon
awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you
caught me fair and square. I am a
leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from
you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too
badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer
depart, the leprechaun thinks to
himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy,
and he did catch me, so I have to do
something for him. I'll give him the three
things that I would want. I'll give him
unlimited money, a great golf game, and a
great sex life."

Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is
out golfing on the same course at the
16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the
same woods and goes off looking for his
ball. When he finds the ball he sees the
same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I
ask how your golf game is?""

"It's great! I hit under par every time."

"I did that for you. And might I ask how
your money is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention
it, every time I put my hand in my
pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."

"I did that for you. And might I ask how
your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a
little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or
twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers,
"Once or twice a week?"

"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic
priest in a small parish."

 

[moreluck]

Las Vegas

A man comes home to find his wife packing
her bags. "Where are you going?"
he asked.

"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are
men that will pay me $400 to do what
I do for you for free!"

The man pondered that thought for a
moment, and then began packing HIS
bags. "What do you think you are doing?"
she screamed.

"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to
see how you live on $800 a year!"