Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[cheryl]

New Stock Market Terms:

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

 

[moreluck]

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death,he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up
the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame,
gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen
table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his
mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he
was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"Get away!" she said.
"Those are for the funeral!"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: FW: Le-a

How would you pronounce this child's name: "Le-a"???

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

It's pronounced "Ledasha" Oh yes...you read it right.

This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is
irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. SO, if you see
something come across your desk like this please remember to
pronounce it correctly.

When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she
said "the dash don't be silent."

 

[moreluck]

DOG LAWS.......................

In Columbus Georgia , it is against the law for dogs to howl after 9 P.M.

Berea Kentucky law requires dogs on the streets after dark to display a red taillight.

Florida law does not allow dogs to ride in a school bus.

A law in Zion Illinois prohibits owners from teaching their dogs to smoke cigars.

In Fox Point Wisconsin, dogs cannot travel in groups larger than two.

The Belvedere California City Council passed a law that reads, "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

 

[moreluck]

Top Ten Messages Left On Sarah Palin’s Answering Machine.............

10. “Hi, it’s John McCain; I had to go to bed. How’d it go?”

9. “Hi, Katie Couric here. Have you thought of a Supreme Court case yet?”

8. “Hi, it’s Bill Clinton. Let me know when Todd’s out of town.”

7. “My name is Joseph Sixpack — knock it off.”

6. “Hi, Katie Couric again — think of any newspapers yet?”

5. “Buy the Late Show Fun Facts book. It’s a bridge to hilarity.”

4. “John McCain again; could you pick up my prescriptions?”

3. “Senator Larry Craig here — do you have Joe Biden’s phone number?”

2. “McCain again; do you remember where I parked the Straight Talk Express?”

1. “It’s President Bush. If you’re at the debate, who’s watchin’ Russia?”

 

[moreluck]

CAT LAWS.........

All black cats wear bells on Friday the 13th in French Lick Springs, Indiana.

Cats can only be taken on to the street on leads in Lorinc, Hungary. Officials say the measure will protect the public from the "dangerous menace of free range cats."

Joint custody of a family pet, including cats, is not allowed when a couple divorces in Madison, Wisconsin. The feline is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation.

Cats in International Falls, Minnesota are not allowed to chase dogs up telephone poles.

Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina.

Pet cats cannot run loose without a taillight in Sterling, Colorado.

Ventura County, California, cats are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

Cats living in Cresskill, New Jersey must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.

Duluth, Minnesota felines may not sleep in a bakery.

California bans cats from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

In Zion, Illinois, it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to cats.

Cats may not yowl after 9 pm in Columbus, Georgia.

In Topeka, Kansas, you may not own more than five cats at a time.

In Shorewood, Wisconsin, however, no more than two cats can be owned by the same family.

You may not keep a pet cat and a pet bird on the same premises in Reed City, Michigan.

Dogcatchers in Virginia are prohibited from bothering cats while he or she is looking for dogs.

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?

A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were
unable to read or write, documents were often
signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an
oath to fulfill obligations specified in the
document. The X and the kiss eventually became
synonymous.

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else
called "passing the buck"?

A: In card games, it was once customary to pass
an item, called a buck, from player to player to
indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player
did not wish to assume the responsibility, he
would "pass the buck" to the next player.

 

[moreluck]

I phoned my mother, who was baby-sitting my two rambunctious kids while my wife and I were out for the evening. "So is the baby- sitting going well?" I asked.

"The baby part is fine," she replied, "but I haven't done any sitting since you left."

 

[moreluck]

Preacher........

A preacher was really hitting his stride one Sunday, delivering a sermon on sin. "Is there anyone here who is without SIN?" he shouted, glowering at the congregation.

Embarrassed parishioners stirred nervously in their seats, but no one stood.

Feeling he really had them this time, the preacher roared, "Is there anyone here who thinks he or she is PERFECT?"

One small man, seated next to a rather imposing woman, rose nervously to his feet.

"So, Brother Jones, you think YOU are PERFECT?"

Quietly the man replied, "No, Reverend, I'm just standing for my wife's first husband...."

 

[moreluck]

Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationing south of Rome in Venice. The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private audience, hoping they will be able to allot minimal coverage, if any.

The Pope asks Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride through the canals of Venice. They're admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff's cap with his pole, but this move threatens to overturn the floating craft.

Sarah waves the tour guide off, saying, 'Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry.' She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Pope's hat, bends over and picks it up. She walks back across the water to the gondola and steps aboard. She hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the topic of conversation among Democrats in Congress, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, CNN, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities and in France and Germany is:

'Palin Can't Swim.'

 

[moreluck]

THE SPOILED UNDER-40 CROWD!!!

If you are 40 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!


When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were.
When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty -five
miles to school every morning
. Uphill... barefoot...
BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
There was no way in hell I was going to lay
A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
And how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the
youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you
Don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.
If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn
library and
Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write
Somebody a letter, with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put
it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get
there!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to
Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store
and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio
and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it
all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy
signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could
be your school,
Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a
collections agent, you
Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your
chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari
2600! With games
Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your
guy was a little square! You
Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no
multiple levels or
Screens, it was just one screen
Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
Harder and harder and
Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out
what was
On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You
had to get off
You’re and walk over to the TV to change the Channel
and there was no
Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We
had to wait ALL WEEK
For cartoons, you spoiled
Little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
Today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
Five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 40 Crowd
(Send this to someone you'd like to make smile,
Whether they are under 40 or not.)

 

[moreluck]

Marriage Lies....
There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure devise. She got extremely upset. "You impotent bastard!" she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids."

 

[moreluck]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS!

 

[moreluck]

While driving past a country-club swimming pool, my four-year-old pleaded with me to stop so she could go swimming. I told her, "We can't swim here, you have to belong." She then asked, "How long do you have to be?"

 

[moreluck]

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these 4
religious Truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

 

[chev]

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these 4
religious Truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

 

[Jones]

Four nuns are standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.

"Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.

"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.

He then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.

"Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.

Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.

"Why did you push ahead in line?" asked Peter.

"Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!" replied the nun.

 

[moreluck]

We don't normally give advice regarding buying or selling stocks, but in
view of the recent market condition, we wanted to alert you to a
potentially explosive situation. Please review any holdings you have in
the following stocks:
American Can
Interstate Water
National Gas Company
Northern Tissue Company

Due to uncertain market conditions, We advise you to sit tight on your
American Can, hold your water, and let go of your Gas. You may be
interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom recently,
and millions were wiped clean.

 

[moreluck]

New Stock Market Terms for 2009 arising out of Alan Greenspan's testimony yesterday:

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

Bull Market -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets nothing.

Value Investing -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker -- What my broker has made me.

Standard & Poor -- Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Split -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

Cash Flow -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Institutional Investor -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

Profit -- An archaic word no longer in use. As in "false prophet".