Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Thoughts On Advertising.........

Advertising is the fine art of convincing people that debt is better than frustration.

Advertising helps raise the standard of living by raising the standard of longing.

Advertising transforms a yawn into a yearn.

If you think advertising doesn't work, consider the millions of people who now think that yogurt tastes good. (Joe L.Whitley)

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. (Norman Douglas)

Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted. The trouble is, I don't know which half. (John Wanamaker)

Wonder For Your Week: Is an epitaph an advertisement for a product that's been discontinued?

 

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Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........




My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat


When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!








Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be.

but don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.






Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'






Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.



How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?


I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love. After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.





I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.








As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.






Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

***********************​

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! ​

(Available only in ​

Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )​

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

When we were together, ​

you always said you'd die for me. ​

Now that we've broken up, ​

I think it's time you kept your promise.​

////////////////////////////​

We have been friends for a very long time .. ​

let's say we stop?​

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++​

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.​

=====================================================​

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. ​

Did you ever find out who the father was? ​

****​

Your friends and I wanted to do ​

something special for your birthday. ​

So we're having you put to sleep.​

So your daughter's a hooker,​

and it spoiled your day.​

Look at the bright side,​

it's real good pay.​

 

[moreluck]

Time For The Big Talk....

A father felt the time had come in his son's life to sit him down for the 'big talk'.

"Soon, son," the father said, "you will begin to have urges and feelings you've never experienced before. Your hands will sweat and your heart will pound. You'll find you're preoccupied and unable to think about anything else." "Don't worry though, son," continued the father, "I want you to know it's perfectly normal ... it's called golf."

 

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Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns..............​

Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 22. Wehave been married for ten years.When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told himto stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid Ican't get through to him anymore.Can you please help?

Sincerely,Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.I hope this helps,
Walter

 

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An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar. The bartender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

 

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Saw a billboard sign the other day that said:

"Need Help? Call Jesus - 1-800-005-3787"

Out of curiosity I did.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.​

 

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We visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her first thanksgiving dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey.

Our daughter turned to my wife and said, "Mom, you always did it that way."

"Yes," my wife replied, "but you don't have a cat!"

 

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GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008


New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a
job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake
don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so,
then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with
that?'

New Rule: No more gift registries You know, it used to be just
for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and
graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and
having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the
white peoples version of looting.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a
human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it
cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?
Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep
sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of
men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much
men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good,
we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a
whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but,
without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called
a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over
ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the pr*ck. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf
grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot,
gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge
pr*ck.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from
sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,'
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and
pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing
me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your
ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time
you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't
pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of
Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the
poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that.
It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry
for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in
the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other
screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television
show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to
be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel
and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't
even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak
with a fetish. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to
hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a
cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

 

[moreluck]

PUNSTER ALERT.........



The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.



A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.



. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.



. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.


. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.



Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.



Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'



. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger Then it hit me.



A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'



A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'



A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.



It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.


The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.



. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!



Did you hear about the woman who backed into a fan? Disaster!

 

[moreluck]

Our Tax system


Bar Stool Economics

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would paynothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that"s what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers, he

said, "I"m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could

they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his "fair share?" They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody"s share, then the fifth man and the sixth

man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man"s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each

should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20", declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that"s right", exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It"s unfair that he got ten times more than I!"

"That"s true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn"t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn"t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn"t have enough

moneybetween all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for

being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics, University of
Georgia

 

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Pres. Clinton........

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders.


The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed
before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like
drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by
a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"


The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

 

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Mouths of Babes

I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?' 'She replied, 'I'd give houses to all the homeless people.' 'Wow - what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house.' She thought that over for a few seconds (remember, she's only 6.) And while her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?' And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.' Her folks still aren't talking to me.

 

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Subject: Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.


09. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into
the room.

12. You sing along with elevator music.

13. Your eyes won't get much worse.

14. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay
off.

15. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.

16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.

17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

18. You can't remember who sent you this list.


Forward this to every one you can remember right now!

Never, ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night!

 

[moreluck]

amazing simple home remedies

1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetablesby getting someone else to hold the vegetableswhile you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.


4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

 

[moreluck]

'If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.' -Mark Twain


Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself. -Mark Twain

 

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Rabbi In A Confessional.....

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

 

[moreluck]

Wishes........

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside a
Maryland immigration office.

My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three
children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth,
so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING! -- he had
a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car
garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the
rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all
over here..

' PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a
three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale
neighborhood overlooking the bay.

'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.

'Yes, one more wish.

I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these tore
cloths, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white
skin like Americans.

' PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore
Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the
mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'

THIS IS GOOD .......

The fairy said 'Tough , Mac, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.'

And she disappeared!

 

[moreluck]

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian Rugs . She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that moment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shii*t in your pants when you hear what the price is."

 

[moreluck]

Genie's Wish

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"You know what, genie, maybe we can repay you by making one of YOUR wishes come true... what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

 

[moreluck]

Word Gender​

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason,
The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER -- female, because once turned on, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.