Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A man walks out to the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things like that happened to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid Traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his @#$%&** widow.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Thanksgiving Divorce



A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

 

[moreluck]

Good Advice.........




EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT.
SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . ...

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With an attitude he asked . . . 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now ! ! ! '


SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.... GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

 

[Dfigtree]

So a zero and an eight walk into a bar
and the zero says to the eight

"Nice belt!".

 

[moreluck]

A Little 2-letter Word..........

So a 2-letter word has a hundred completely different meanings. So what is this stuff about English being easy?

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP." It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

Now this UP is really confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, the word up, takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.... I'll give UP and shut UP.....!

 

[moreluck]

TURKEY TIME...

How do you tell the HENS from the TOMS?

1. Once they mature, the toms are larger and have longer legs.

2. Toms grow a beard (long black feathers) in the middle of the chest (breast). Very few hens grow a beard.

3. A male turkey's head and wattle (growth under the chin) is larger.

4. The tom's snood (a fleshy growth on top of the bill) is longer and hangs down the side of his face.

5. Male turkeys gobble. Hens do not. Hens make a clicking or clucking sound.

6. Male turkeys strut about, gobbling loudly and holding their heads high. They stick out their chests, fan their large tails and drag their wings on the ground. They do this to attract the attention of the female turkeys.

 

[moreluck]

A Woman gets naked in front of her husband and asks: 'What turns you on the most, my pretty face, my voluptuous bust or my sexy butt???
He briefly looks her up and down and replies: 'Your sense of humor.'


A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital
with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him
afterwards that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something
pulling at the hairs in
his 'private' area. Worried that it might> mean a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got
enough energy to pull his
hospital gown up enough, so he could look at what
was making him so
uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide
strips of adhesive
tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black
letters was the sentence:
'Get well soon... from the nurse in the Jeep
you pulled over last week.'

 

[moreluck]

BIKER STORY Receives New York Times Best



A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.
I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:



U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

 

[moreluck]

John Edwards returned to the public eye with a speech in Indiana Tuesday. He's an important figure in the Democratic Party. Now that Bill Clinton has been pushed off the stage, John Edwards is everybody's choice for the job of Designated Adulterer.

 

[moreluck]

After 20 Years​

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she was becoming quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Airplane seating


Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a

window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just

before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff,

the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in

when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a

coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll

get it for you.'



As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines sh oe and spat

in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said,

'That looks good, I'd really like one, t oo.' Again, the Marine

obligingly went to friend etch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up

the Marines other shoe a nd spat in it. When the Marine returned, they

all sat back and enjoyed the flight.



As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and

knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab

neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go

on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosi ty?

This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'





THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES

 

[moreluck]

WARNING FROM PAKISTAN

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister20of Migration Mullah Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military actions against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities intend to cut off America 's supply of convenience store managers and possibly Motel 6 Managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by DELL and AOL customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to send us NO more candidates for President of the United States !

It's gonna get ugly!!!

 

[moreluck]

Retiring to Florida

For those of you contemplating retirement, I would like to share my
retirement experiences with you, which I hope will be helpful.

Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on
Florida's Southeast coast. We are living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf,
Spa,Bathand Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-hachee. There are 3000 lakes in
Florida, only three are real.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do
all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days
will be eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of your car
takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes. It takes
1/2 hour on the check-out line inWal-Mart and 1 hour to return the item the
next day.

Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick
breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 30
of us and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once.
Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. After a
nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back
home, shower and change for the next activity.

My wife goes directly to the pool for her under water Pilates class,
followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my
Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and
sandals
and go to the club house lobby for a nice nap.

Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the
many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a
filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the
flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex
watch for $2.00.

We're usually back home by2 PMto get ready for dinner. People start lining
up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 because we're
late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they
serve. You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner,
including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and
Sweet-and-Low along with mints.

At 5:30we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 we're
fast
asleep. Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the
night and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.

Doctor related activities eat up most of your retirement time. I enjoy
reading old magazines in sub zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I
don't mind. Calling for test results also help the days fly by. It takes at
least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then
there's the hold time until you're connected to the right party.
Sometimes
they forget you're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.

Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering provides a
rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest
concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am
a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their
basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from
the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they
make a slam dunk.

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we
call
them because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are
many
foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember
where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while
their food defrosts.

Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name.
Italian names are very popular in Florida . They convey world traveler,
uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live... Murray's
Condos or the Lakes Of Venice ? There's no difference. They're both
owned by
Murray who happens to be a cheap bastard.

I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of
any further assistance, please look me up when you're inFlorida. I live in
The Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.

PERSONALLY I WOULD NOT RETIRE AND LIVE IN A PLACE WHERE THE LAND IS AT SEA
LEVEL OR LOWER.



_____________________________________________________________

 

[moreluck]

The Little Red Hen in 2009 .............

She called all of her Democrat neighbors together and
said, 'If we plant
this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help
me plant it?'

'Not I,' said the cow.

'Not I,' said the duck.

'Not I,' said the pig

'Not I,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red
hen, and so she did.
The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden
grain.

'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red
hen.

'Not I,' said the duck..

'Out of my classification,' said the pig

'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow

'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the
goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red
hen, and so she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread.

'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little
red hen.

'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.

'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.

'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,'
said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red
hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her
neighbors to see.
They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But
the little red hen
said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'

'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)


'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse
Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)

And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and
marched around and
around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the President came by to visit the farmers in the
area. He said to
the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'

'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.

'Exactly,' said the President. 'That is what makes our
free
enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard
can earn as much
as he wants. But under our modern government
regulations, the productive
workers must divide the fruits of their labor with
those who are lazy
and idle.'

And they all lived happily ever after, including the
little red hen, who
smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly
understand.'

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her.
She never again
> baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her
bread free from
others. And
all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been
established.

Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed;
perhaps no one
cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the
rich' were paying for.

EPILOGUE

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for the memories from two people,
who for eight
years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they
couldn't remember
anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

 

[moreluck]

OLD AGE IS A GIFT...I HAVE DECIDED

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body - the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avant- garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 am, and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set. They, too, will get old!

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten, and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet dies? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. I can say 'no', and mean it. I can say 'yes', and mean it.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day.

Today, I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.

(Author Unknown)

 

[moreluck]

The Artist​

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.
"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.
"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"
"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."

 

[moreluck]

Bus Load of Politicians!!

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went overto investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'Were they all dead?'
The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how those bastards lie.'

 

[705red]

As many of you know, I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated
part time job after retiring from my 'day job'. Unfortunately, as I
have gotten a little older, I have become a little less sensitive. So
after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart: greeter, a good find for many
retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,
mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been
instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart,.
Nice children you have there.
Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't
twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you
think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping
at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 

[moreluck]

12 REASONS TO BE THANKFUL YOU BURNT THE TURKEY

1. Salmonella won’t be a concern.

2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.

3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.

4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.

5. Pets won’t bother to pester you for scraps.

6. No one will overeat.

7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.

8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.

9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.

10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.

11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.

12. You won’t have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.

 

[moreluck]

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese ?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language, and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do ?



Remember: these people walk among us, they breed, and they can vote, which probably explains the current situation in Washington, DC.