Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Dirty Wash......

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.

The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees the neighbor hang up the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean", she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs another laundry soap."

The husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang out the wash, the young woman would make the same comment. About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look! she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"

Her husband said, "I got up early this morning and washed the windows."

And so it is with life: What we see while watching others, depends on the purity of the window through which we look through.

 

[moreluck]

Amazing results when you get a dog.........

You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

* Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

* Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

* Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into your chest.

* Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

* Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

* Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

* Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

* Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs.

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why do people clink their glasses before
> drinking a toast?

A: It used to be common for someone to try to
> kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink.
> To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it
> became customary for a guest to pour a small
> amount of his drink into the glass of the host.
> Both men would drink it simultaneously. When
> a guest trusted his host, he would then just
> touch or clink the host's glass with his own.

 

[moreluck]

College Finals Prayer........

Now I lay me down to study, I pray the Lord I won't go nutty.
If I should fail to learn this junk, I pray the Lord I will not flunk.
But if I do, don't pity me at all, Just lay my bones in the study hall.
Tell my Prof I did my best, Then pile my books upon my chest.
Now I lay me down to rest, I pray I'll pass tomorrow's test.
If I should die before I wake, That's one less test I'll have to take.

 

[moreluck]

WHAT IS A BASEBALL GLOVE? (Author Unknown)

A baseball glove is a beginning and an ending: a boy's first sure step toward manhood: a man's final, lingering hold on youth: it is promise...and memory.

A baseball glove is the dusty badge of belonging, the tanned and oiled mortar of team and camaraderie; in its creases and scuffs lodge sunburned afternoons freckled with thrills, the excited hum of competition, cheers that burst like skyrockets.

A baseball glove is Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Stan Musial, Mickey Mantle and a thousand-and-one names and moments strung together like white and crimson banners in the vast stadium of memory.

A baseball glove is the leather of adventure, worthy successor to the cowboy holster, the trooper's saddle and the buckskin laces of the frontier scout; it is combat, heroics, and victory...a place to smack a first or snuff a rally.

Above all a baseball glove is the union of father and son, boy and friends, man and men; it is a union beyond language, creed or color.

 

[moreluck]

MAN PROBLEMS








Woman hasManin it;
Mrs.hasMr. in it;
Female hasMalein it;
She has Hein it;
Madam hasAdam in it;










Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before:







MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist







AND .
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy.
Evernotice how all of women's problems start withMEN?

 

[moreluck]

Seven Signs That You May Be Addicted To Your Cell Phone....

1. You miss it when it's roaming.
2. Spelling "later" is impossible without the number eight.
3. You often mumble "Can you hear me now?" in your sleep.
4. You consider dropped calls a personal offense.
5. You can hear it ringing when it's in silent mode.
6. Your phone'e backup battery has a backup.
7. You count "texting" as part of your daily exercise.

 

[moreluck]

A Father's Last Request ​

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be
"in the limelight"?

A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in
lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a
cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant
light. In the theatre, performers on stage "in
the limelight" were seen by the audience to
be the center of attention.

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use
"mayday"as their call for help?

A: This comes from the French word m'aidez
-meaning "help me" -- and is pronounced
"mayday

 

[Catatonic]

Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use
"mayday"as their call for help?

A: This comes from the French word m'aidez
-meaning "help me" -- and is pronounced
"mayday

Is this their National Motto?

or is it Je me rends (I surrender).

 

[moreluck]

If you will take the time to read these. I promise you'll come away
with an enlightened perspective. The subjects covered affect us all on a
daily basis!

They're written by Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so
much with so few words. Enjoy.......

I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet
of an elderly person.

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my
day!' makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one
of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a
child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't
have the strengt h to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you
to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold
and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block
on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The
closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us
everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make
life so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who
wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I 've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you
are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is
to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with
a smile.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with
them.

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will
take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will
dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love
her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and
tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your
looks.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your
little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain,
but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more
things I get done.

 

[Big Babooba]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a
restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the
menu...
Tourist: ____________________________$5.00
Broiled Missionary: _________________$10.00
Fried Explorer: _____________________$15.00
Baked Democrat or Grilled
Republican:?______________________$100.00

The cannibal called the cook over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the politicians?'
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of s#%t, it takes all morning.'

 

[moreluck]

GEORGE CARLIN...

"EVERYTHING COMES IN THREES" - Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that everything came in twenty- sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

"YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU (when you die)" - Well..., that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.

"YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY" - Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it, doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this.

"NICE GUYS FINISH LAST" - Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.

 

[moreluck]

Poet Carl Sandburg was accused by an unhappy playwright of dozing through the performance of his play instead of evaluating his work and offering advice. "Young man," the poet explained, "Sleep is an opinion."

 

[moreluck]

A Breast By Any Other Name.....

Breasts. America loves 'em. They've nurtured the young and old, inspired songs and sonnets, war and peace, not to mention major men's magazines. I could go on forever, so I will - with a lengthy tribute to the names, nicknames and euphemisms that have come to characterize chest fever. The following extensive, but by no means exhaustive, list was compiled by amateur etymologists Parker Bennet and Tom Mannis.



Angel Cakes Doozies Loaves PT Boats
Apples Double-Whammies LobLollies Pumpkins
Balboas Dueling Banjos Love Mellons Rangoons
Balloons Dugs Love Muffins Rib Balloons
Bangers Dumplings LuLus Rib Cushions
Bangles Dunes Macaroons Rivets
Bassoons Ear Muffs Mambos Roundies
Baubles Eclairs Mammaries Sandbags
Bazongas Eggplants Mammies Satellites
Bazookas Enchiladas Mams Scones
Bazooms Flapjacks Mangos Scoops
Beacons Flappers Marangos Set
Beanbags Flesh Bulbs Maraschinos Shakers
Bebops Flesh Mellons Marimbas Shebas
Betty Boops Floaters Marshmallows Shermans
Big Boppers Floats Mau Maus Shimmies
Bikini Stuffers Fog Lights Mausers Silos
Billibongs Fried Eggs Meatballs Skin Sacks
Blinkers Fun Bags Meat Loaves Skooners
Bombers Gagas Melons Smoothies
Bombshells Garbos Milk Cans Snuggle Pups
Bon Bons Gazingas Milk Fountains Spark Plugs
Bongos Gazongas Milk Shakes Specials
Bonkers Glands Molehills Spheres
Boobers Globlets Mommas Spongecakes
Boobies Globes Mondos Spuds
Boobs Gob Stoppers Montezumas Stacks
Boops Gongas Moo Moos Stuffing
Bops Goombas Mother Lodes Sugar Plums
Bosom Grapefruits Mounds Sweater Meat
Boulders Grillwork Montain Peaks Sweater Puffs
Bouncers Guavas Muchachas Sweet Rolls
Bra Buddies Gum Drops Muffins Tahitis
Bra Stuffers Handsets Mulligans Tamales
Breasts Hand Warmers Mushmellons Tartugas
Bronskis Headers Nancies Tatas
Bubbas Head Lamps Nectarines Tattlers
Bubbies Headlights Niblets Teats
Buds Headphones Nibs Tetons
Bulbs Headsets Nippleoons Thangs
Bulges Hefties Nippleos Thingumajigs
Bullets Heifers Nippers Tidbits
Bumpers Hemispheres Nippies Titbits
Bumps Hills Nips Tits
Bust Hindenburgs Nodes Titskis
Busters Honeydews Nodules Titters
Busties Honkers Noogies Titties
Butterballs Hood-Ornaments Nose Cones Tomatoes
Buttons Hoohas Oboes Tom-Toms
Caboodles Hooters Oompas Tooters
Cams Hot Cakes Orbs Torpedoes
Cannon Balls Hottentots Ottomans Tortillas
Cantaloupes Howitzers Padding Totos
Carumbas Hubcaps Pagodas Twangers
Casabas Huffies Pair Tweakers
Cha-chas Humdingers Palookas Tweeters
Charlies Hush Puppies Papayas Twin Peaks
Chihuahuas ICBMS Parabolas Twofers
Chimichongas Jawbreakers Pastries Tympanies
Chiquitas Jemimas Paw Patties U-Boats
Coconuts Jibs Peaches Umlauts
Congas Jobbers Peakers Wahwahs
Corkers Jugs Peaks Waldos
Creamers Jukes Pears Warheads
Cream Pies Jumbos Pects Watermelons
Cuhuangas Kabukis Peepers Whoppers
Cupcakes Kalamazoos Pillows Windjammers
Curves Kazongas Pips Wobblers
Dingers Kazoos Plums Wongas
Dinghies Knobbers Pointer-Sisters Woofers
Dingos Knockers Points Yabbos
Dirigibles Kongas Pokers Yams
Domes Kumquats Polygons Yayas
Doodads Lactoids Pompoms Zeppelins
Doorknobs Lip Fodder Pontoons Zingers
Doozers LLamas Potatoes

 

[moreluck]

Why Trick or treating is better than sex....................

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look; the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you

2) Less guilt the morning after.

And the No. 1 reason why trick a treating is better than sex.........

YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why is someone who is feeling great "on cloud
nine"?

A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the
altitudes they attain, with nine being the
highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine,
that person is floating well above worldly
cares..

 

[moreluck]

Fired.........

A young man entered the company's Human Resources Department and handed the executive his application. After reviewing the papers the executive noticed that the applicant had been fired from every job he had ever had.

"Young man," the executive said, "I've looked over your work history and it is terrible. You have been fired from every job!" "Yes," replied the applicant. "There really isn't anything very positive in that," said the executive. "Well, at least I'm not a quitter!" the young man replied.

 

[moreluck]

Laptop Problems

Problems with my laptop required calling the dreaded company help line. The service rep, based in another country, did not speak English very well. So I tried to explain it as simply as possible:

"I can't get the computer to work."

"Ah, I see," he responded. "You are unable to transport your computer to your place of employment."