Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

moreluck

golden ticket member
Thoughts On Advertising.........

Advertising is the fine art of convincing people that debt is better than frustration.

Advertising helps raise the standard of living by raising the standard of longing.

Advertising transforms a yawn into a yearn.

If you think advertising doesn't work, consider the millions of people who now think that yogurt tastes good. (Joe L.Whitley)

You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. (Norman Douglas)

Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted. The trouble is, I don't know which half. (John Wanamaker)

Wonder For Your Week: Is an epitaph an advertisement for a product that's been discontinued?
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Child's Perspective.......

When our first child, Isaac, was born, he had a partially collapsed lung and had to be immediately whisked away from us and placed in an Isolette in the intensive-care unit. It was a difficult time for us, not to be able to hold or take care of him. However, a much needed fresh viewpoint was provided for us when our four-year-old niece came to visit and we snuck her in to see her new cousin. When I asked her if she had met Isaac, she cheerfully exclaimed: "Yes, I did. He’s in a treasure box."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
One Question..........
A handyman, who was working for a synagogue in Allentown, PA, asked for a raise and was flatly refused. So, he quit his job and went out searching for work.

First, he went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there, he would have to answer one question. "Where was Jesus born?" the minister asked.
The handyman answered, "Pittsburgh," and was promptly thrown out.
He then went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there, he would have to answer one question. "Where was Jesus born?" the priest asked.
"Philadelphia," the handyman answered. Again, he was thrown out.
As he continued his search, he met up with the rabbi who happened to be looking for him. "I've been looking everywhere for you," exclaimed the rabbi. "The board has approved your raise. Please, come back immediately."
"I will come back," the handyman replied, "but only if you answer one question. Where was Jesus born?" "Bethlehem," the rabbi replied. "Aha!" cried the handyman. "I knew it was somewhere in Pennsylvania!"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Thanksgiving 2008.....................

The game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.

If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'


May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may yourThanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Baked Beans .......


One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it becameapparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave upbeans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home fromwork. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and toldhim that I would be late because Ihad to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was morethan I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk offany ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner andbefore I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans!
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.


Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'


He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I tooka seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returnedand wentto answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressurewas becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. Itwas not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running overa skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lapand fanned the air around me vigorously.


Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stinkwas worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few moretimes with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands backon it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.


My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked throughthe blindfold, and I assured him I had not.


At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seatedaround the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'


I fainted !!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Why USA has Crisis......


An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Body Statistics.................

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who've read this are still busy checking their thumbs.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
She had to be blonde!!!!



Since we have finished the presidential campaign...... Some political
humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story occurring
in an AP Government class at a Bend OR High School .

In one of David's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be
president of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must
be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the
requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this
requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

David and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but
everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating........

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this
country than one born by C-section?"


And they walk among us!




 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Why we still miss Rodney Dangerfield
Because he said ...
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache!
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the first bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl who is so ugly that they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'
He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. Last Monday she called me from Chicago.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.





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moreluck

golden ticket member
THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY ON THANKSGIVING!


1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've everseen!
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
General Motors severed its endorsement deal with Tiger Woods Tuesday. They say it has nothing to do with their federal bailout request. It's just that the company has enough of an image problem without having a spokesman who is in the shop for repairs.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
CUTBACKS AND REDUCTIONS.

This was sent to me today and I thought what novel ideas! The country
could get even out of debt, maybe.

When a company falls on difficult times, one of the things that seems to
happen are they reduce their staff and workers. The remaining workers
need to find ways to continue to do a good job or risk that their job
would be eliminated as well. Wall Street, and the media normally
congratulate the CEO for making this type of "tough decision," and his
board of directors gives him a big bonus.

I feel our government should not be immune from similar risks. I
therefore am recommending the following cuts to be implemented by the
next president elect, Barack Obama.

Reduce the House of Representatives from the current 435 members to 218
members and Senate members from 100 to 50. Also reduce remaining staff by
25%. Accomplish this over the next 8 years. (two steps / two elections.)

Some yearly monetary gains include:

$44,108,400 for elimination of base pay for congress. (267 members X
$165,200 pay/member/yr.)
$97,175,000 for elimination of the above people's staff. (estimate $1.3
Mil in staff per each member of the House,
and $3 Mil in staff per each member of the Senate every year)
$24,294 for the reduction in remaining staff by 25%.

$7,500,000 reduction in pork barrel ear-marks each year (those members
whose jobs are gone. Current estimates for total government pork earmarks
are at $15 billion/yr.) The remaining representatives would need to work
smarter and would need to improve efficiencies. It might even be in their
best interests to work together for the good of our country! We may also
expect that smaller committees might lead to a more efficient resolution
of issues as well. It might even be easier to keep track of what your
representative is doing. Congress has more tools available to do their
jobs than it had back in 1911 when the current number of representatives
was established. (Telephones, computers, cell phones to name a few.)

Note: Congress did not hesitate to jump on a train for home this week
when it was a holiday, when the nation needed a real fix to the economic
problems. Also, we have 3 senators that have not been doing their jobs
for the past 18+ months (on the campaign trail) and still they all have
been accepting full pay. These facts alone support a reduction in
senators & congress.

Summary of opportunity:
$44,108,400 reduction of congress members
$282,100,000 for elimination of the reduced house member staff
$150,000,000 for elimination of reduced senate member staff
$59,675,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining house members
$37,500,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining senate members
$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork added to bills by the reduction of
congress members.
$8,073,383,400 per year, estimated total savings.

Big business makes these types of cuts all the time.

IF you are happy with how our government is right now, just delete this
message. IF you are not happy, I assume you know what to do.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Top 10 Reasons Why God Created Eve.....

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "Ok, I can do better than THAT!".
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Where did the white man go wrong.........

Indian Chief,'Two Eagles,' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.' The Chief nodded in agreement.The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt,Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water; Women did all the work, Medicine Man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Michael Vick appeared in a Virginia court Tuesday to face state charges of dogfighting. Prosecutors said he put house pets inside the pit bull cage for his own amusement. When will all these pretenders ever learn that there's only one O.J. Simpson.

Tiger Woods lost his General Motors endorsement contract Monday due to corporate cuts. He was the wrong golfer for these times. General Motors decided to hire John Daly because he best represents their new slogan, This Time It's Going to Be Different.

President Bush said Monday he plans to start building his library. He doesn't want to be known as a man whose unfounded war and economic folly bankrupted the nation and defeated John McCain. He'd rather think he paved the way for the first black president.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Why Parents Drink.....

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and
read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than
I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole
winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know
your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a
Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Ponder these...

I went to a class on skydiving. The drop-out rate was incredible.

I like to remain anonymous when donating money to charity ... so I don't sign the check.

We don't have a village idiot, so we take turns.

I'm saving money because one day it might be worth something again.

Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge!... What's come over you?

My grandparents were so poor, they got married just for the rice.

I can't balance the family budget. Division by zero is impossible.

I need to go shopping. If I don't use my credit cards, they get brittle.

 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Life...........

Your forties, you grow a little pot belly, you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother.

Your fifties, you have a minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery.

Your sixties, you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway.

Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls, looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering. "How come the kids don't call?"

By your eighties, you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand, but who you call mamma. Any questions?
 

Big Babooba

Well-Known Member
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member

Dead or Alive
The company psychiatrist was interviewing the young blonde. As she sat in the chair, the psychiatrist asked a series of questions to determine if she was emotionally suitable for the company. Things were not not going well for the young blonde.
The psychiatrist decided to try a new approach, to give the blonde one last chance. He asked, "if you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "the living one."
 
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