Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12
inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the
barman tells him he'll tell him later.
So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle
and make a wish.'
'OK,' says the guy.
He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie,
who says,
'You have one wish.'
The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A
cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a
million ducks crowding the bar.
He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'
The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'

 

[moreluck]

Settling An Argument
​

A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18.
The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two.
Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.

 

[moreluck]

A police officer heard this plea on his radio: Does anyone know where I'm at? I'm all screwed up." It was a policeman who had lost his way.

Another voice rang out, bold and authoritative: Would the officer making that last transmission please identify himself?" After a short silence, a third unidentified voice said, "He's not that screwed up."

 

[moreluck]

Vanity plate

To celebrate his 40th birthday, my boss who is battling middle- age spread, bought a new convertible sports car. As a finishing touch, he put on a vanity plate with the inscription "18 Again." The wind was let out of his sails, however, when a salesman entered our office the following week. "Hey," he called out, "who owns the car with the plate "I ate again

 

[moreluck]

Computers


A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ‘House’ for instance, is feminine – ‘la casa’, ‘Pencil’ however is masculine – ‘el lapiz’. A student asked, ‘What gender is computer’?
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computadora), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (el computador), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have got a better model.

The women won.

 

[moreluck]

Settling An Argument
​

A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18.
The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two.
Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.

 

[moreluck]

-------------------------
You Know It's Time to Diet When..
-------------------------

* You dance and it makes the band skip.

* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

* You could sell shade.

* Your blood type is Ragu.

 

[moreluck]

FIFTEEN THINGS GOD WON'T ASK (Author Unknown).............

1. God won’t ask what kind of car you drove, but will ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation.

2. God won’t ask the square footage of your house, but will ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

3. God won’t ask about the fancy clothes you had in your closet, but will ask how many of those clothes helped the needy.

4. God won’t ask about your social status, but will ask what kind of class you displayed.

5. God won’t ask how many material possessions you had, but will ask if they dictated your life.

6. God won’t ask what your highest salary was, but will ask if you compromised your character to obtain that salary.

7. God won’t ask how much overtime you worked, but will ask if you worked overtime for your family and loved ones.

8. God won’t ask how many promotions you received, but will ask how you promoted others.

9. God won’t ask what your job title was, but will ask if you reformed your job to the best of your ability.

10. did to help others.

11. God won’t ask how many friends you had, but will ask how many people to whom you were a true friend.

12. God won’t ask what you did to protect your rights, but will ask what you did to protect the rights of others.

13. God won’t ask in what neighborhood you lived, but will ask how you treated your neighbors.

14. God won’t ask about the color of your skin, but will ask about the content of your character.

15. God won’t ask how many times your deeds matched your words, but will ask how many times they didn’t.

 

[moreluck]

THE SNEEZE

They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With their rich maroon gowns flowing .. and the traditional caps, they looked almost ... as grown up as they felt.

Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears.

This class would NOT pray during the commencements----not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.

The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.

The speeches were nice, but they were routine.....until the final speech received a standing ovation.

A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a mo ment, and then, it happened.
H


All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED!!!!

The student on stage.. simply looked at the audience and said,
'GOD BLESS YOU'.
And he walked off stage...

The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval.
This is a true story; it happened at the University of Maryland .
Oh, how I wish THIS one would take off and FILL the whole Country!!!
For where the name of God is invoked.. No danger will insue.​

 

[moreluck]

Dumb Blonde

A dumb blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"OH, NO!" exclaimed the blonde.
But Saint Peter said not to worry, because he would make it an easy test. "Who was God's son?" asked Saint Peter.
The dumb blonde thought for a few minutes and replied, "Andy."
"Andy? That's interesting. What made you say that?" inquired Saint Peter.
Then the blonde started to sing, "Andy walks with me. Andy talks with me. Andy tells me..."​

 

[moreluck]

Signs You May Be A Redneck

You see a sign that says "Just Say No To Crack" and it reminds you to pull up your jeans.

You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of a Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.

Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.

You come back from the dump with more than you took!

 

[moreluck]

No Underwear

Here's a safety brief for you. Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.
True story:

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.​

 

[moreluck]

How the world works lately..





If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.


If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.


If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.


If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.


If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.


And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.


I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.


So, if I die while my old wrinkled fanny is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates.

 

[moreluck]

Wine vs. Water

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ****.

 

[moreluck]

Bless The Man Who Stood Up........

MUSLIM BELIEF

This is a true story and the author, Rick Mathes, is
a well-known leader in prison ministry. The man who walks with God
always gets to his destination. If you
have a pulse you have a purpose.



The Muslim religion is the fastest growing religion
per capita in the United States , especially in the
minority races!!!



Last month I attended my annual training session
that's required for maintaining my state prison
security clearance. During the training session there was a
presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic,
Protestant and Muslim faiths who explained each
of their beliefs.

I was particularly interested in what the Islamic
Imam had to say. The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of
Islam, complete with a video.



After the presentations, time was provided for
questions and answers.



When it was my turn, I directed my question to the
Imam and asked: 'Please, correct me if I'm wrong,
but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have
declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of
the world and, that by killing an infidel, (which is a
command to all Muslims) they are assured of a place in heaven. If
that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?'



There was no disagreement with my statements and,
without hesitation, he replied, 'Non-believers!'



I responded, 'So, let me make sure I have this
straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded to
kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can
have a place in heaven. Is that correct?'

The expression on his face changed from one of
authority and command to that of a little boy who had just
been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.'



He sheepishly replied, 'Yes.'



I then stated, 'Well, sir, I have a real problem
trying to imagine Pope John Paul commanding all Catholics to kill
those of your faith or Dr. Stanley ordering all Protestants to do the
same in order to guarantee them a place in heaven!'



The Imam was speechless!



I continued, 'I also have problem with being your
friend when you and your brother clerics are telling your followers to

kill me! Let me ask you a question:

Would you rather have your Allah, who tells you to
kill me in order for you to go to heaven, or my Jesus
who tells me to love you because I am going to heaven
and He wants you to be there with me?'



You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his
head in shame. Needless to say, the organizers and/or
promoters of the Diversification' training seminar
were not happy with Rick's way of dealing with the
Islamic Imam , and exposing the truth about the
Muslims' beliefs.



In twenty years there will be enough Muslim voters in
the U.S. to elect the President! I think everyone in the
U.S. should be required to read this, but with
ACLU, there is no way this will be widely publicized,
unless each of us send it on!



This is your chance to make a difference...
FOR GODS' SAKE! SEND THIS ON!

 

[moreluck]

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down​

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear'the rules'
From the female side


Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant theother one

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched...
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball ormotor sports.


1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -to give them a bigger laugh.

 

[moreluck]

STUTTER

A teacher is explaining
biology to her 4th grade students.

'Human beings are the
only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand.
'I had a cat who stuttered'.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of
these stories could become, asked the girl to describe
the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my cat when
the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence and into our yard'.
'That must've
been scary,' said the teacher.
'It was', said the little girl. 'My cat
raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before
she could say
'', the Rottweiler ate her.'

The teacher had to leave the room!

 

[moreluck]

Translated Car Ads...

- Two tone paint work - Original color and rust.

- One careful owner - But the other nine were clumsy as anything.

- 10,000 trouble-free miles - Crashed in the last 20 feet.

- Heated rear window - So you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter.

- Very clean - Only washed if and when it rains.

- Lady owner - The glove box is full of half-used cosmetics.

- Clean interior - All the rubbish is under the floor mats.

- Immobilizer - The gear shift comes off in your hand.

- Anti-theft device - I can let you have a Rottweiler cheap.

- Drives beautifully - ... in a straight line; the steering is all over the place.

- Low mileage - The odometer is on its third time around.

- Full service history - Charlie in the garage round the corner checked it over last week.

- Economical - Doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph.

 

[ups1990]

It was so hot here in So. Cal. last week. I, saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.

 

[moreluck]

HELLO OPERATOR






Actual call center conversations!



Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't getthrough;
can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack beforecleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
------------------ ----------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a
worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------