Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

High School

The teacher of a high school class in the fundamentals of economics led the discussion around to the population explosion. "Certain levels of our society reproduce much more frequently than others," he pointed out. "What people would you guess reproduce the most?" One bright student answered, "Women."

 

[moreluck]

1-Day Employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......​

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.​

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid? '​

So I replied,
' I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just can't believe someone would have slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart. '​

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.​

 

[moreluck]

The Computer Poem

A Computer was something on TV
From a Science Fiction show of note
Window was something you hated to clean
And Ram was the father of a goat.
Meg was the name of a girlfriend
And Gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really Mega Bytes.
An Application was for employment
A Program was a TV show
A Cursor used profanity
A Keyboard was a piano.
A Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you Unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A Mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a Backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A Web was a spider's home
And a Virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the Memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a Computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead
"The more intelligent you are, the more tenuous your grip on sanity."

 

[moreluck]

Questing Without Worry

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time.

King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.
After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But Sir Galahad was speechless.

 

[moreluck]

Quiet Speech....

An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying: Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

 

[moreluck]

A quiet new nurse was starting her first evening in a tight-knit ER. The other nurses were concerned that she might not share in the workplace banter they had developed. Their fears were soon relieved. One night, one of the nurses observed this new nurse sitting alone at the nurse's station. " Are you the only fool here?" the veteran asked.

"Not now," replied the newbie, with no hesitation at all.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Police Comments



These police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country...........

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

 

[moreluck]

SEVEN SIGNS YOU CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER

1. You serve fruit Popsicles for breakfast.

2. At the water cooler you splashed your boss and yelled, "Water fight!"

3. You've got days-of-the week flip-flops.

4. You gave your pooch golden highlights.

5. Your family threatened mutiny if they had to hear The Beach Boys' greatest-hits album one more time.

6. You had a hot flash and jumped for joy.

7. The ice-cream truck's jingle is your cell phone's ring tone.

 

[dilligaf]

THE UPS MAN

One Monday morning, the UPS man was driving the neighborhood on his usual route.


As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.


His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.


'Wow! Bob ... looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the UPS man comments.


Bob, in obvious pain, replies, 'Actually, we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am, Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun, and it got a bit wild.
Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'


The UPS man thinks a moment, and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'


'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom, and we come out, one at a time, with a sheet covering us ... and, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.'


The UPS man laughs, and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that. '


'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responded. 'Your name came up seven times!'

 

[moreluck]

Murder Mystery -

For those who have served on jury...this one is something to think about...Just when you think you have heard everything!!
Do you like to read a good murder mystery?

Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess. This is an unbelievable twist of fate!!!!



At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, (AAFS)President, Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994 ... the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.



He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'



When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist ... Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.



This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.



The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Not true, but interesting

 

[moreluck]

: Conversation on a plane





A stranger was seated next to a
little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and
said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'


The little girl, who had just opened her book,
closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, 'What would you like to
talk about?'


'Oh, I don't know,' said the
stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he
smiles.

'OK, she said. 'That could be an
interesting topic.
But let me ask you a
question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff
- grass. Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat
patty, and a horse
produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly
surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it
and says, 'Hmmmm, I have no idea.'

To which
the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ?'

 

[Dustyroads]

A guy goes to the employment office and says, i'm laid off, i need a job, i'll take anything you have. The man behind the desk looks through some papers and says,
"the only thing i have is a job down in Florida picking lemons. can you pick lemons?" The guy replies, "can I pick lemons??? I've been married five times!"

 

[moreluck]

When Aging Reality Sets In.................

1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

2. Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker.

3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

5. Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say WHOOPEE!

6. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

7. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

8. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

9. The golden years are really just metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the seat.

10. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.

11. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

12. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.

13. Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

14. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled, and blind they don't recognize you.

15. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

 

[moreluck]

BEER TRIVIA..........

Germany serves beer ice cream in popsicle form. Its alcoholic content is less than that found in "classic" beer.

In 1962, Iron City beer was the brand used to test-market the concept of tab opening aluminum cans. By 1970, over 90% of all beer cans were self-opening.

Prohibition, beginning on January 16, 1920, lasted 13 years, 10 months, 19 days, 17 hours, and 32-1/2 minutes, and was rescinded on December 5, 1933, at 3:32 p.m.

Centuries ago in England, pub visitors used a novel innovation that enabled them to get their beer served quickly. They used mugs with a whistle baked into the rim, the whistle being used to summon the barmaid. It has been suggested this practice gave birth to the phrase "wet your whistle."

A beer lover or enthusiast is called a cerevisaphile.

During the European Middle Ages and the Renaissance, beer was often a nutritional necessity and was sometimes used in a medicinal setting. It could be flavored with almost anything, from the bark of fir trees to fresh eggs and thyme. Everyone drank beer, including children.

President Theodore Roosevelt took more than 500 gallons of beer with him on an African safari. Must have been thirsty work.

Most saloons were owned by the breweries by the 1900s. The bartenders earned $10 to $15 per week, with Sunday bringing in the most business.

There is an Egyptian beer, called bousa, that is brewed from millet and has been a favorite drink of many for over 3,000 years. Modern Ethiopia has a version made from wheat. It has been hypothesized that this might have been the origin for the word "booze." Other spellings used are boza, bouza, and booza. Take your pick.

 

[Big Babooba]

Do housework in a zippy manner ~ ~ ~​

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it Housework.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin
4. Empty the Recycle Bin
5. Your PC will ask you, 'Are you sure you want to delete Housework completely?'
6. Calmly answer 'Yes' and press mouse firmly....
7. Feel Better? Works for me

 

[moreluck]

for all golfers...


Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels inlove with
her. But after a couple of weeks wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various
dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.
And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinnerand had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.
'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut,' Ed said to his newfound
lady friend. ' I eat, sleep and breathe golf , so if that's going to be a
problem, you'd better say so now!'
Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: 'Since we're being honest with each other, you need to know that I'm a hooker.'
'I see,' Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought then he added,'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.'

 

[moreluck]

Lunchroom Fly.....

A kid walks into a lunchroom at school and sees a fly on the table. He swats it and leaves.

Another kid walks in, sees the dead fly and says, Hey, cool, wings. So he pulls off the wings and leaves.

Another kid comes in, sees the fly, and says, Hey look! Legs! So he pulls off the legs and leaves.

A third kid comes in and he also sees the dead fly. He leans over to look at it and pulls of its head.

Then the first kid comes back, sees it and says, Hey, look, a raisin, and he eats it.

 

[moreluck]

THOUGHTS TO LIVE BY (Author Unknown)

You shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.

You shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.

You shall not carry grudges, for they are the heaviest of all life's burdens.

You shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a time anyway.

You shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.

You shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you.

You shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!

You shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from your own.

You shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.

You shall count your blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.

 

[moreluck]

A businessman had arranged an important formal dinner party at his home where they were going to serve stuffed whole baked fish as the main course.

While the guests were eating the appetizer, the cook came to the host and whispered, "Please come urgently to the kitchen."

The host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that while he was serving the starter, the cat ate a big chunk of the fish which they were going to serve. The host said, "Just fill the hole with stuffing and turn the other side up, nobody will notice."

The fish was served and when they were nearly finished eating, the host was again called to the kitchen. The cook said, "The cat is dead!"

The host rushed back to the dinner party and apologized, "Something was wrong with the fish and everyone must have their stomachs pumped out at the hospital."

When they came back everything was still fine and the host went to ask the cook, "Where is the cat?"

"Oh," said the chef, "The cat is still by the road where the car ran it down."

 

[moreluck]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me: TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me: RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me: TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me: LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me: MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me: IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me: WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12.. My mother taught me: HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me: ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. M y mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me: ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me: HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me: GENETICS.
"I swear you're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me: WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

*Everyone will get theirs in the end*