Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

[FONT=Arial,sans-serif]Linguistics[/FONT]​

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.
If omitted in one place, they turn up in another.
When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.

 

[moreluck]

I Remember ...

I remember carbon paper.

I remember the smell of the mimeograph.

I know why we “dial” a phone number or “turn” it to a certain television channel.

I remember the fading “dot” when you turned off the television.

I used to draw against Matt Dillon in the opening credits of “Gunsmoke,” and won every time (of course, I was just using my finger, while he had a real gun).

I’ve illegally copied music by holding a tape recorder up to an AM radio.

… And that you used to have to push “record” and “play” buttons to get it to record.

I’ve opened a can of Spam with a key (and tuna fish too).

I remember when milk was delivered to your door in pint & quart sized glass bottles.

I’ve opened a bank account with one dollar.

I remember some relatives not having an indoor toilet.

I remember the insurance man coming every few months to collect a weekly premium.

I know there used to be leaded petrol.

You could only get watermelon in the summer.

I remember adjusting roller skates with a skate key.

I remember phone booths.

Crushing beer can took a LOT more effort, because they were made out of tin instead of aluminum.

When you returned empty drinks bottles, they sent them back to the factory to get refilled… and you got your deposit back.

 

[moreluck]

CREATIVE PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS.........

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other,"You stay here; I'll go on a head."

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask howhe was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects

 

[moreluck]

2009 Government Bonds...........

Merrill Lynch has announced it is issuing three new bonds for 2009:

1. The Lewinsky Bond, which has no maturity.
2. The Gore Bond, which has no interest.
3. The Clinton Bond, which has no principal.

 

[moreluck]

Profound Statements

1. In my many years, I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is
a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed.
If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into
prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself
up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend
on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow
man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep
voting on what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from
poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey
and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody
endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a
few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report
the facts.
-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you
see what it costs when it's free!
-- P.J. O'Rourke

 

[moreluck]

Leaving Trails
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Fw: quickie lawyer jokes

Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.

Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.

What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

 

[moreluck]

THE NEBRASKA WIFE ...........

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Ohio and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Illinois. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a beautiful girl from Nebraska. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

 

[moreluck]

We may never see another like him.
Every phrase below is a gem!
-----

'Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.'- Ronald Reagan
'The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.' - Ronald Reagan
'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so.'- Ronald Reagan
'Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.' - Ronald Reagan
'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.'- Ronald Reagan
'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.'
- Ronald Reagan
'Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.'- Ronald Reagan
'The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.'- Ronald Reagan
'It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.'- Ronald Reagan
'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.'
Ronald Reagan
'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'- Ronald Reagan
'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.'- Ronald Reagan
'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.'- Ronald Reagan

 

[moreluck]

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A
CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include
"Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Advanced Medicine


An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference , "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!"

The German doctor stood up and said, ' Well medicine in my county is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks"

The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced, we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!"

Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the conference, "Well" he said "My country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an out of Chicago , put him in the White House, and have 10 million people looking for work in only 1 week!"

 

[moreluck]

THE BEST WAY.......

PATIENT: What's the best way to cure acid indigestion? DOCTOR: Stop drinking acid.

PATIENT: What's the best way to avoid fallen arches? DOCTOR: Get out of the way.

PATIENT: What's the best way to prevent wrinkles? DOCTOR: Don't sleep in your clothes.

PATIENT: What's the best way to keep from getting fat in certain places? DOCTOR: Stay out of those places!

 

[moreluck]

BOOKSHELF...........

Mountain Climbing by Cliff Hanger

Growing Spices by Herb Gardner

Living in the Woods by Sir Vyval

Cookouts Italian Style by Liz Anya, Manny Cotie, Minna Stroney, and Lynne Gweeny

 

[moreluck]

The Perks of Being Over 50...​

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

 

[moreluck]

The Chocolate Rabbit

I got a chocolate rabbit

For an Easter treat,

A great big chocolate rabbit

Good enough to eat.

So I ate his ears on Sunday,

His nose I finished Monday,

Tuesday I nibbled on his feet.

I ate his tail Wednesday

Thursday I kept on,

By Friday he was going,

Saturday he was gone.

Oh, I loved my chocolate rabbit,

From the moment that he came,

And if I ever get another one,

I'll love him just the same.

 

[moreluck]

2009 Government Bonds...........

Merrill Lynch has announced it is issuing three new bonds for 2009:

1. The Lewinsky Bond, which has no maturity.
2. The Gore Bond, which has no interest.
3. The Clinton Bond, which has no principal.

 

[moreluck]

YOU'RE IN SUCH BAD SHAPE! HOW BAD IS IT?

You're in such bad shape, you breathe hard when your stocking runs.

You're in such bad shape, you couldn't even strike a match.

You're in such bad shape, I hear undertakers come up to you and give estimates.

You're in such bad shape, if a vampire bit you, all it would get is practice.

You're in such bad shape, if you tried to run a bath, you'd come in second.

And finally, you're in such bad shape, you look like you're walking around just to save on funeral expenses.

 

[moreluck]

Top Ten Reasons to Celebrate Easter.............

10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments".

9. You look really, really good in yellow.

8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge.

7. You figure any weekend that starts with a "Holy Saturday" can't be all bad.

6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.

5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed.

4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason.

3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play."

2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot.

1. So much candy and so little time!

 

[Sammie]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD ..
The driver feels so awfulthat he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..



(Are you ready for this?)





(Are you sure?)





(You know you're gonna be sorry)





(Last chance)





(OK, here it is)





It says,







"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Ha pp y Ea st er

 

[moreluck]

JUST FIVE MORE MINUTES (Author Unknown)

While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench near a playground.

“That’s my son over there,” she said, pointing to a little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide.

“He’s a fine looking boy” the man said. “That’s my daughter on the bike in the white dress.”

Then, looking at his watch, he called to his daughter. “What do you say we go, Melissa?”

Melissa pleaded, “Just five more minutes, Dad. Please? Just five more minutes.”

The man nodded and Melissa continued to ride her bike to her heart’s content. Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his daughter. “Time to go now?”

Again Melissa pleaded, “Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes.”

The man smiled and said, “OK.”

“My, you certainly are a patient father,” the woman responded.

The man smiled and then said, “Her older brother Tommy was killed by a drunk driver last year while he was riding his bike near here. I never spent much time with Tommy and now I’d give anything for just five more minutes with him. I’ve vowed not to make the same mistake with Melissa.

She thinks she has five more minutes to ride her bike. The truth is, I get Five more minutes to watch her play.”

Life is all about making priorities, what are your priorities? Give someone you love 5 more minutes of your time today.