Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A family was sitting at the dinner table one evening in a warm and cozy atmosphere . The young Son of this family speaks up and asks his Father, "Dad, how many kinds of "BOOBIES" are there ???" The Father, very surprised at his young Son's question, answered ..... "Well Son, there's at least three kinds of women's breasts . In a woman's twenties, her breasts are like melons, round and firm . In her thirties and forties, they are like pears, still nice, but starting to sag just a bit . After fifty, they are like onions ." "Onions, answered the Son." "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry !" This infuriated his Wife and Daughter, so his Daughter said, "Mom, how many types of "WILLIES" are there ?" The Mother, quite surprised at her Daughter, smiled and answered . "Well dear, a man goes through three phases . In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard . In his thirties and forties, it's like a Birch Tree, flexible but reliable . After that in his fifties, it's like a Christmas Tree. " "A Christmas Tree ??" "Yes dear, dead from the root up, and the balls are for decoration only ! ! "

 

[moreluck]

Change .....

There's an old sea story about a Marine lieutenant who inspected his men in the field, and told the 'Gunny' that his men smelled bad.

The lieutenant suggested that the men should change underwear. The Gunny responded, 'Aye, aye, Sir. I'll see to it immediately!'

The Gunny went straight to the squad tent and announced, 'The Lieutenant thinks you guys stink, and wants you to change your underwear.

Smith, you change, with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Witkowsky. Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!'

The moral of this story:

A candidate may promise 'change' in Washington, but don't count on things smelling any better.

 

[moreluck]

King Solomon Trial.......

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.

"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

 

[moreluck]

Filipino words of the day!
1. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

2. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

3. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
harassment nothing to me.

4. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

5. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

6. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

 

[moreluck]

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to
the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After
some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug),
which came in a little white box to use for his house.


He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he
would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me
today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"


But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet . So he waited a
few minutes more, thinking about the situation.


The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his
face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you
like to go to church with me and learn about God?"


...........................YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS...



This time, a little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes."

 

[moreluck]

25 Things You'd Love To Say Out Loud At Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
16. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
17. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
18. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
19. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
22. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
23. Chaos, panic, and disorder --- my work here is done.
24. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
25. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?


.

 

[moreluck]

ABOUT MARRIAGE PROPOSALS...

When asked if there was anything they would have changed about one of the most romantic moments of their lives, several women said a 'bigger diamond!'

54% of men still get down on one knee

44% of men ask their partner's father for permission to marry

57% of men cry when she said yes

65% of women say he could have put more effort and preparation into the proposal

25% of couples wait longer than five years before taking their relationship that step further

23% of women have been proposed to more than once

 

[moreluck]

APHORISM:​

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

​

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.






3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.




4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.


5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.



6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid

of the dark to become a teenager who wants


to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company
can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong
number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says 'It's only a game.' when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!!

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter

don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter​

​

​

​

 

[moreluck]

Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again .

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.



You could run this over to your friends, But just e-mail it to them!

 

[fethrs]

Importance of Walking


Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.



THATS ME!

 

[moreluck]

Enticed by a television promotion, my wife ordered a popular exercise machine on a 30-day trial offer. Two weeks later she decided not to buy it, and called UPS to arrange for pickup. The next day the UPS driver arrived at our house. "Oh, no, not another one of these," he said. "All I've been doing is delivering these machines, then picking them up. The only person getting exercise from these things is me!"

 

[moreluck]

Church Bulletin Bloopers! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance..
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

 

[moreluck]

Ogden Nash's Secret of Marriage...

To keep your marriage brimming,

With love in the wedding cup,

Whenever you're wrong, admit it;

Whenever you're right, shut up.

Ogden Nash [1902-1971]

 

[moreluck]

Old Timers Bar

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Punta Gorda, Florida

They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.'

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this Is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you!

What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shake n, not stirred,and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment.

Then look at each other...

They can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar.

Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open t his place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired farts from UPS. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'

 

[Tater's Dad]

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?

Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the Doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I
had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!

 

[moreluck]

My son age 13, was sick in bed with bronchitis, and although he showed some general improvement, his harsh cough persisted and could be heard all over the house. Worried too, that he was missing so much school, I went into his room to see how he felt. There he was, propped up in bed, earphones on, listening to a baseball game, while the tape recorder coughed on and on. The next morning he was in school.

 

[moreluck]

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six Obama bumper stickers on our Employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change; I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic

 

[moreluck]

Subject: CONSTIPATIon

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the
following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack
Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm
Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore"

If that doesn't scare the **** out of you, then you
are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life.

Caution: potential side effects may include immediate nausea and or
Vomiting.

 

[DS]

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic

HAH

 

[moreluck]

Guess What?


A couple was sitting up waiting for their son Richard to come home
from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big
smile on his face.

"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly. "Guess what!
I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"

His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You
talk to him". Then she left the room.

The father said, "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm
proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that
ten-speed bike you've been wanting. I hope you don't mind waiting till
payday to get it".

"That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway,
my is too sore..."