Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

moreluck

golden ticket member
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi went to see who's the best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later, they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."

"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
You Might Be a Redneck If.........

Your dentist dreads seeing you more than you dread seeing him.

You choose your teeth from a catalog.

You tell grandpa he has something in his teeth and he takes them out to see.

Your 2 yr. old has more teeth than you do.

You've ever fixed your false teeth with a glue gun.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
THE LET DOWN

This came to me from a Marine's wife. It says it all:

I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government under went a peaceful transition of power a few weeks ago. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Barack Obama took his Oath of office.

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the President. It was then that I realized how far America 's Military had deteriorated.

Every last one of them missed.

 

moreluck

golden ticket member
I was having trouble with the idea of turning thirty and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent grey hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband.

"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat."

"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.

"I can't," says the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A man was sent to court for drunk and disorderly conduct. The judge inquired where the defendant worked. "Here and there," he replied. "And what do you do for a living?" "This and that," came the answer. The judge turned to a policeman and instructed him to take the man straight to jail. "Wait," implored the accused, "When will I come out?"

"Sooner or later."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
All blood belongs to one of four major groups in the ABO blood system: A, AB, B or O. People with type O blood are known as universal donors as theirs is the only blood that can safely be given to people with other blood types. Below is a table of approximate blood type distribution. This can vary between races.

Types-----Distribution-----Ratios

O +..........1 person in 3..............38.4%

O -...........1 person in 15..............7.7%

A +..........1 person in 3...............32.3%

A -...........1 person in 16................6.5%

B +..........1 person in 12................. 9.4%

B -...........1 person in 67.................1.7%

AB +........1 person in 29..................3.2%

AB -.........1 person in 167................0.7%

(I don't see 37% anywhere)
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
"The best six doctors anywhere

And no one can deny it

Are sunshine, water, rest, and air

Exercise and diet.

These six will gladly you attend

If only you are willing

Your mind they'll ease

Your will they'll mend

And charge you not a shilling."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Subject: quotes & thoughts



"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?

Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?

Are marbles made of marble?

Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?

If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)

Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Duct TapeJeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That`s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I`d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn`t show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Taliban's Fall TV Line-Up
The Taliban's Fall TV Line-up


MONDAYS: 8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS: 8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darnedest Things"
9:30 - "Afghanistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS: 8:00 - "U. S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "Bowling For Food"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veil-watch"

THURSDAYS: 8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdad's"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy" FRIDAYS: 8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionaire"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
What are the most dangerous search terms on the Internet?

HONG KONG, China (CNN) -- If you like to search for "music lyrics" or "free" things, you are engaging in risky cyber behavior. And "free music downloads" puts 20 percent of Web surfers in harm's way of malicious software, known as "malware."
Searches that use "free," "music" and "download" are at increased risk of malicious software.

A new research report by U.S.-based antivirus software company McAfee has identified the most dangerous Internet search words that places users on pages with a higher likelihood of malware.
The study examined 2,600 popular keywords on five major search engines -- Google, Yahoo, Live, AOL and Ask -- and analyzed 413,000 Web pages.
"Just in the past year, we've seen a pretty dramatic shift in what we call malware," David DeWalt, president and CEO of McAfee, told Richard Quest for CNN's Quest Means Business.
"It went from a hacker in a basement, to organized cybercrime to now, literally, terrorism and other forms of organized geopolitical attacks," he said.
Categories that had the highest risk of run-ins with malware: screen savers, free games, work from home, Olympics, videos, celebrities, music and news.
Riskiest terms: word unscrambler, lyrics, myspace, free music downloads, phelps, game cheats, printable fill-in puzzles, free ringtones and solitaire.
The study shows how cyber criminals are increasing in sophistication.
"We can have massive outages with a hacker in the basement. We saw that recently with the 'Twitter worm,' a 17-year-old in his basement basically perpetrated tens of millions of (computer) outages. Or, we can see an organized attack bringing down infrastructure," DeWalt said.
Antivirus software companies lag behind latest developments by cyber criminals. "We've been way behind, that's true for the entire world, the global infrastructure of the Internet has grown dramatically -- 50 percent of the world's PCs are unprotected," he said.
Despite the increased risk, DeWalt doesn't believe there will be a "cyber Armageddon" causing widespread destruction of computers and Internet infrastructure.


"Last week, you saw President Obama in the United States talk about a major cyber-security initiative sponsored by the government, other governments are sponsoring this as well," DeWalt said. "I think we're learning this can happen, and if we get ahead of it, we can prevent it."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.


2. I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.


3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.


4. I thought that I could love no other --

that is until I met your brother.

5. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.


6. I want to feel your sweet embrace;

But don't take that paper bag off your face.


7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!


8. My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?


9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Jump in a well.'

10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.

"So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A Stimulus Story
In a small town in the United States, the place looks almost totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.


Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.






He enters the towns only hotel, lays a 100 Dollar Bill on the reception counter as a deposit, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Dollar Bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Dollar Bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Dollar Bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Dollar Bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Dollar Bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.


At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes back his 100 Dollar Bill, saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything.......... However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism..



And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government and the State of
California are doing business today.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
THE SIGNS OF "ADVANCED MOMHOOD"

Maybe it starts when you realize rock concerts give you a headache. Or that you're offering to cut up other people's food. Or you catch yourself ending a discussion with, "Because I'm the Mother, that's why!" You've reached a new level of motherhood. All the warning signs are there. You know you've crossed the threshold into advanced "Mommydom" when:

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

Your child throws up and you catch it.

Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.

You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.

Your child insists that you read "Once Upon A. Potty" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Terminal, and you do it.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

You hate the thought of his wife even more.

You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.

You become a member of three aquariums because your kid loves sharks.

You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.

You can't bear to give away baby clothes...it's so final.

You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"

You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

You lose sleep.

You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average."

You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.

You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
PHOBIAS.....

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.

Clinophobia is the fear of beds.

Paedophobia is a fear of children.

Automatonophobia is a fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues or anything that falsly represents a sentient being.

Hypnophobia is a morbid fear of sleep and falling asleep.

Lyssophobia is a morbid fear of insanity.

Phobatrivaphobia is a fear of trivia about phobias

Dromophobia is a fear of crossing the road

Unatractiphobia is a fear of ugly people.

Arachibutyrophobia is a fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Subject: Computer Trouble

I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Richard, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.


Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little :censored2:


 

Big Babooba

Well-Known Member
Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had
cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything
that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or
you don't love me anymore; whatever! the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West
Virginia together!
Have a great lif e!


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you
& I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from
what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining &
griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised
me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't
comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag was still on them, & ; I prayed it was a coincidence that my
sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it
out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my
job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you
were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope
you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that
the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take
care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was
born Carl. I hope that's not a problem
 

moreluck

golden ticket member


A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners…

The Asian lady says “Come Again.”


The blonde says, “No, it’s toothpaste this time, nosy beatch!”






 
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