Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

moreluck

golden ticket member
Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be
dangerous. Yes, grass snakes,
not rattlesnakes.. Here's why.
A couple in Langdon , North Daktoa , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent
cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from
a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of
the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go
under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to
see what the problem was.
She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.. About that
time the family dog came and
cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he
screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him
to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on
the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency
Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when
the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on
a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a
rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was
gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she
felt the snake wriggling around.
She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to
revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband
in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and
cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying
on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake
had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and
began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived. Breath here......

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the
women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the
policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg
of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the
bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and
raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed
into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire
department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were
halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put
out the power,
and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they
did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right
with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap
for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring
in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Football

A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred-yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website

__________________________________________________

Q:Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).

A:We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.



Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.



Q:I want to walk from Perthto Sydney- can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A:Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.





Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A:A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
.... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.



Q:Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A:Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.



Q:Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...



Q:Can you send me the ViennaBoys' Choir schedule? ( USA)

A:Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.



Q:Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A:You are a British politician, right?



Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydneyand is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australiawho can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmaniawhere the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy)

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.


__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Ghosts

A professor at the University of Al abama was giving a lecture on the supernatural.



To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'



About 90 students raise their hands.



Well, that's a good start.



Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'



About 40 students raise their hands.



That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.



Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'



About 15 students raise their hand.



Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'



Three students raise their hands.



That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in 20th row back, a boy raises his hand.



The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'







The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.



When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'



The big redneck replied....

'Schiiiiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said “Goats”...
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women......

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance')

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and lay. It's the male perspective thing.)
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.





One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."


The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Osama LetterAfter numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George
Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.


Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line
of Coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H



Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice .

Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with
this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside
down."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
159 YEARS AGO THIS WEEK








Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 159 years ago?


California became a state

The State had no electricity.

The State had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gunfights in the streets.


So basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands





















 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Tick removal: Spring is here soon and the ticks will soon be showing their heads. Here is a good way to get them off of you, your children, or your pets. Give it a try.

Please forward to anyone with children... or hunters or dogs, or anyone who even steps outside in summer!!

A School Nurse has written the info below -- good enough to share -- And it really works!!

I had a pediatrician tell me what she believes is the best way to remove a tick. This is great, because it works in those places where it's sometimes difficult to get to with tweezers: between toes, in the middle of a head full of dark hair, etc.

Apply a glob of liquid soap to a cotton ball. Cover the tick with the soap-soaked cotton ball and swab it for a few seconds (15- 20), the tick will come out on its own and be stuck to the cotton ball when you lift it away. This technique has worked every time I've used it (and that was frequently), and it's much less traumatic for the patient and easier for me.

Unless someone is allergic to soap, I can't see that this would be damaging in any way. I even had my doctor's wife call me for advice because she had one stuck to her back and she couldn't reach it with tweezers. She used this method and immediately called me back to say, "It worked!"

Please pass on. Everyone needs this helpful hint.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Bracelet at Tiffany's .............


A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she lets out a

fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a

sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes


in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional salesman in a store like


Tiffany's, and greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam.


How may we help you today?'

Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it,


you're going to :censored2: when I tell you the price!'
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island
with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.

There is no fast food.
Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
and complete science projects,
cook,do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.

In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.

Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends andrelatives,
and send cards out
on time--no emailing.

Each man must also
take each child to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.

He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the Urgent Care.

He must also
make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function..

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.

The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.

The men must
shave their legs ,
wear makeup daily,
adorn himself with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed .


During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain
or slow down from other duties.

They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them ,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mother!

After you get done laughing,
send this to as many females as you
think will get a kick out of it and
as many men as you think can
handle it.
Just don't send it back to me....I'm going to bed.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Oops..........

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" periods. Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
On his 91st birthday, Milton Berle (1908-2002) was honored at the Friars Club, the famed fraternity for comedians and ribald humor. At the end of the evening, Berle, the club's abbot emeritus (with roots going back to the original Friars Club in New York), approached the dais to address the gathering: "I'll be brief," he declared. "And if you believe that, you believe there'll be a Richard Simmons, Jr!"
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet. It was then I shared my dark secret: "I put our teenage son's shorts in his underwear drawer."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
159 YEARS AGO THIS WEEK ......




Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 159 years ago?


California became a state

The State had no electricity.

The State had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gunfights in the streets.



So basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
This is something we should all read at least once a week.
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.. It
is the most-requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret,you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19.. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone for everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'.
I'm in the 7%
Remember that a friend will always share their life with you! Others are just people who know your name.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Why were you fired from your last job? ...........


I used to work in a dairy. I got fired for getting in the whey.

I lost my job at the massage parlor. I rubbed people the wrong way.

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

I was working in an orange juice factory, but I couldn't concentrate.

I tried to be a chef. I imagined it would add a little spice to my life. But I didn't have the thyme.

I once was a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job.

I worked at Starbucks, but it was the same old grind.

I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

I tried to work at a deli, but no matter how I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

I worked for a plumber, but that work was too draining.

I even worked as a lumberjack, but I couldn't hack it. So they gave me the ax.

I tried to work in a shoe factory, but I couldn't fit in.

I became a fisherman, but couldn't live on my net income.

I was a musician, but I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I then got a job at a workout club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

I got a job as a historian, but there was no future in that!

I wanted to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
A man called up a church and the church secretary answered the call. The man on the other end of the line said, "I’d like to speak to the head hog." The secretary replied, "That wasn’t a very nice thing to say about our beloved pastor, Rev. Dalton." Again the man replied, "I’d like to speak to the head hog, because I’m going to donate $75,000.00 to the church. She replied, "Hold on a moment, I think the big fat pig just walked in."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Yep it's already started....

Due to the fact taht Michael Jackson was 90% plastic, he will be melted down into legos so kids can play with him for a change.

Yes another one.....

When Farrah Fawcett arrived in heaven God granted her 1 wish! She wished for all the children in the world to be safe.....so god took Michael Jackson!

(I know....I didn't write it!)
 
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