Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Living with the Wolf Man.........

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

"How was work, dear? " his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?" At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

 

[moreluck]

Flying over the beach at Malibu, Superman looks down and sees Wonder Woman lying on her back in the nude on the white sands. He zooms down and covers her with his body. Wonder Woman opens her eyes and Superman says, "I'll bet you're surprised." Wonder Woman says, "Not as much as the Invisible Man!"

 

[moreluck]

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!



'Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.

'The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.

'Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great.
I be at work soon..........You got nice house'

 

[moreluck]

Harley Davidson

Arthur (Harley)Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

 

[moreluck]

SUNBURN TIPS

Lying in the sun is fun. Getting burned by the sun is not fun. But every year millions of people do get severe sunburn. So, how do you get rid of sunburn pain and agony? The best advice is, of course, to use sunscreen creams BEFORE exposing your skin to the sun (apply sunscreen 30 minutes before going outdoors...and refresh the sunscreen throughout the day). But when it's too late, there's still a few things you can do. Here are 3 top tips to help you get rid of sunburn misery...

1. The biggest mistake you can make is to apply any kind of soothing cream before you first cool down the affected area. This will simply trap in the heat. The burning will continue, and you will suffer even more. Cool down the skin with ice or a cold wetted towel first, or lie in a very cold bath, or stand in a cold shower for at least five minutes.

2. White vinegar in a solution of two parts cold water to one part vinegar can work wonders. Soak a cloth in the solution and press it gently onto the burned area. You should never rub it in as this will make matters worse. Just dab in on gently, then leave the skin to dry. Aloe vera can be gently applied to the skin as a follow-up. Do this twice a day until you heal.

3. While aloe vera gel works well to relieve sunburn, some lotions contain alcohol. This will dry out the skin and tend to retain the heat, so any alcohol-based lotions or creams are best avoided.

The summer sun can be much stronger than you may think. If you plan to be exposed to strong sunshine, always wear a suncream of appropriate strength. Remember, sunburn can cause cancer. You can always get rid of sunburn pain, but that may just be the short- term effect. Be careful!

 

[moreluck]

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the United States and world........

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

 

[moreluck]

These are 'real' breeds of dog, as collected from license applications and want forms at a US dog shelter: ​

Westminster Terrier
Rhode Island Ridgeback
Palmeranian
Copper Spaniel
Cocker Spaniard
Black Labrador (from a license app, dog's color was yellow)
**** Sue
Dorky Terrier
Lopso Apso
El Paso (attempt at Lhasa Apso)
Highland Heeler
Alaskan Malibu
Belgian Manawa
Belgium Malenoise
Basket Hound
Bagle
Welch Corgi
Wild Haired Terrier
Carrion Terrier
Wineamimer
Rockwelders
Rottenwiler
Great Pekingese (supposed to be Pyrenees)
Great Pyramid
Miniature Datsun
Irish Settler
Jack Daniels Terrier
German Police Man
Chesapeake A Retriever
Borderline Collie
Chevy King Charles (Cavalier)​

 

[moreluck]

Southerner...........


After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country. "It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour." The passenger was astonished. "A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?" "Sure", said the Southerner. "She doesn't care how I cut the grass."

 

[moreluck]

During Hot Dog Season, Memorial Day to Labor Day, Americans typically consume 7 billion hot dogs or 818 hot dogs consumed every second during that period.

New Yorkers consume more hot dogs than any other city, beating out Chicago and Los Angeles.

During the Fourth of July Weekend, Americans enjoy 150 million hot dogs!

 

[moreluck]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.


The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... What'll it be?"


The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."


The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years ... I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."


The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... A good man."


The genie let out a SIGH, rolled his eyes and said, "Let me see the map again."

 

[moreluck]

May Your Life Be Like Arithmetic:

Joys Added

Sorrows Subtracted

Friends Multiplied

Love Un-Divided

 

[ooky]

What do you call a butler in India?

Mahat Macoat.

 

[pickup]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Men Are Just Happier People......

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!

some of this stuff is what it is , and some this stuff is self imposed. You mentioned wrinkles so I assume we are on the subject of make up. Let me tell you ladies something, you look truly more beautiful without it than you do with it. It's astounding how much time you spend on something that makes you less beautiful and that has to be maintained all day. And High heels? Again, for what purpose? Heel problems and hammer toes? Come on ladies, stop the insanity.

 

[moreluck]

THE LAWS OF...............

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you will have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss, you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster. (Works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water and covered with soap, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone with whom you do not want to be seen.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine will not work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you do not know about what you are talking.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it is ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

[moreluck]

New math problem for the L.A. County S.A.T. tests.......................

2 Disneyland monorails are travelling towards each other on the same track. left side train is going 5 MPH and right side train is going 6 MPH. At 5oo ft. apart, how many minutes 'til they crash head on???

 

[moreluck]

In Portland, Oregon, a bank robber wrote instructions on a piece of paper: "This is a holdup and I've got a gun. Put all the money in a paper bag. When this message was pushed through the grille, the cashier wrote on the bottom. "I don't have a paper bag." and passed it back.

The robber fled.

 

[moreluck]

Indecent Exposure....

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

 

[moreluck]

Funeral

An acquaintance of ours was...how do I put this delicately?...not well loved. So when he died, I was amazed to see how many people showed up for his funeral.

"I'm not surprised," said my brother. "As P. T. Barnum said, 'Give the people what they want and they'll show up.'"

 

[moreluck]

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas:

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows).

9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights).

8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.

7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials".

6. Family coming to stay with you.

5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling.

4. Buying food you don't normally buy...and in large quantities.

3. Days off from work.

2. Candles.

1 And...At some point you know you're going to have a tree/branches in your house.

 

[moreluck]

Deaf Wife...... Priceless



A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.


So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"


"BOB! For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"