Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Beer Lake.....
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

 

[dilligaf]

Re: Heard any good ones?

some of this stuff is what it is , and some this stuff is self imposed. You mentioned wrinkles so I assume we are on the subject of make up. Let me tell you ladies something, you look truly more beautiful without it than you do with it. It's astounding how much time you spend on something that makes you less beautiful and that has to be maintained all day. And High heels? Again, for what purpose? Heel problems and hammer toes? Come on ladies, stop the insanity.

P/U I couldn't agree with you more. The absolutely only time I ever wear heels and makeup (very little at that) is for a very special occasion. I am MUCH happier barefoot. And I have great feet, even if I say so myself.

 

[moreluck]

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:


30% of women think their ass is too fat............


10% of women think their ass is too skinny......



The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world

 

[moreluck]

BOOK TITLE................AUTHOR

"Animal Illnesses".....Ann Thrax

"Fallen Underwear".....Lucy Lastic

"Downpour!".....Wayne Dwops

"Cloning".....Ima Dubble

"Irish Flooring".....Lynn O'Leum

"I Lived in Detroit".....Helen Earth

"Inflammation, Please".....Arthur Itis

"Handel's Messiah".....Ollie Luyah

"Avoiding High Construction Costs".....Bill Jerome Home

"The Pain of Unemployment".....Anita Job

"What Lonely Girls Should Do".....Seymore Fellows

"The Tiger's Revenge".....Claude Butz

"Lewis Carroll".....Alison Wonderland

"Leo Tolstoy".....Warren Peace

"Neither a Borrower".....Nora Lender Bee

"Tight Situation".....Leah Tard

"The Scent of a Man".....Jim Nasium

"Car Trouble".....M. T. Tank

"Wind in the Willows".....Russell Ingleaves

"Look Younger".....Fay Slift

"Mountain Climbing".....Andover Hand

"No!".....Kurt Reply

"And Shut Up!".....Sid Downe

 

[moreluck]

Subject: joke


So there's this dyslexic guy, he walks into a bra....

 

[moreluck]

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2 Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot..
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING --

SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS
And anyone else who just needs a good laugh!!​

 

[moreluck]

Welfare Office........................

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.


He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.
You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said,
"Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very
wealthy
old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful
daughter.


You'll have to drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
supply all
of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided.
You'll
also
be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.


This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your
job
assignment
to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and
has a
rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with 20"
plasma TV,
stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your
sole
use and the salary is $200,000 a year."


The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "
You're bulls~!?ttin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yea, well. you
started it!!!"

 

[moreluck]

TOP REASONS FOR JOINING THE CHURCH CHOIR

1. You're running out of clean clothes and the robe saves on laundry.

2. The church is usually crowded and you want to make sure you always have a seat.

3. You've just been selected for jury duty and you want to get use to sitting with a large group of people.

4. The collection plate is never passed to the choir.

5. There's a clock in the back of the church and you want to know when one hour has passed.

6. For years you have wanted to know who sits in the back of the church but were afraid to turn around and look.

7. You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the minister/priest to catch you.

8. The chairs for the choir are padded and are the most comfortable chairs in the church.

 

[moreluck]

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

1) Five. One to climb the ladder, four to say "That should be me up there!"

2) None. The stunt double does it for them.

 

[moreluck]

The Promised Land......



Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick
up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Franklin Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit
on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of
Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land.

 

[moreluck]

Driving my three-year-old daughter to day care before work, I noticed a family of dead raccoons on the road. I quickly sped past, hoping she wouldn't spot them. No such luck.

"Mommy, what was that?"

"Some wood must have fallen from a truck," I fibbed.

"Oh," she said. "Is that what killed all those raccoons?

 

[moreluck]

Here is a news flash - just in.

A six-family apartment burned down in London .

The Afghan family on the first floor all perished.

The Nigerian family on the third floor all perished.

The Albanian family on the fourth floor all perished.

The Sudanese family on the fifth floor all perished.

The Iraqi family on the sixth floor all perished.

However, no one was injured from the white English family on the second floor.

Ethnic & Refugee community leaders were enraged, calling a press conference and demanded from the Fire Chief an explanation of how this could possibly happen...

To which the Fire Chief replied ...

"They were all at work."

 

[moreluck]

Western Union

A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do anything to get a message to her."

The clerk replies "Anything?"

"Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants."

She does. "Take it out", says the clerk."

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead and do it..."

She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"

 

[moreluck]

Expanding Waistline

My husband's expanding waistline was a sore subject, but I could no longer ignore it, especially since he's still young and handsome. "Honey," I said, using my seductive voice, "if you lose 20 pounds, I promise to dance for you."

Using his sarcastic voice, he shot back, "Lose 10 pounds and I'll watch."

 

[moreluck]

New Englanders.........

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment.

As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven.

Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said.

"I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from New England ... They're still too wet to burn."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Obama Lie Clock?????


A
man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front
of St.. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge
wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie
the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is
that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands
have never moved, indicating that she never told a
lie."


"Incredible",
said the man. "And whose clock is that
one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham
Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice,
telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."

where's President OBamas clock?", asked the
man.

"Obama's
clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a
ceiling
fan."

 

[Big Babooba]

First day I read that smoking is harmful. I quit Smoking.


Second day I read that marijuana is harmful. I quit smoking marijuana.


Third day I read that sex is harmful. Since that day I don't read anymore.

 

[moreluck]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

I'm just passing this thought along....

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day!

 

[moreluck]

10 REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A DOG:

1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.

4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.

6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

 

[moreluck]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.