Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Thank God, some place other than California has weird folks.........ours are getting tired of always making the headlines!





BURGLARY IN FLORIDA (You just can't make this stuff up!!) .

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was
burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR,
and even left his Rolex watch.
What they did take, however, was a generic white cardboard box
filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report
described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it
looked similar to high-grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd
hit the big time.

Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded
with the burglars. "Please return the cremated remains of my sister,
Gertrude. She died three years ago."



The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer
known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard
box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Scotch taped
to the box was this note which said: Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so
we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have
a nice day.



And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts!

 

[moreluck]

The Old Man and the Dog​

​

​

​

by Catherine Moore​

​

​

"Watch out! You nearly broad sided that car!" My father yelled at me.

"Can't you do anything right?"
Those words hurt worse than blows. I turned my head toward the elderly man in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump rose in my throat as I averted my eyes. I wasn't prepared for another battle.

"I saw the car, Dad. Please don't yell at me when I'm driving." My voice was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I really felt.

Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back. At home I left Dad in front of the television and went outside to collect my thoughts. Dark, heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain. The rumble of distant thunder seemed to echo my inner turmoil.

What could I do about him?

Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon. He had enjoyed being outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against the forces of nature. He had entered grueling lumberjack competitions, and had placed often. The shelves in his house were filled with trophies that attested to his prowess..

The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he couldn't lift a heavy log, he joked about it; but later that same day I saw him outside alone, straining to lift it. He became irritable whenever anyone teased him about his advancing age, or when he couldn't do something he had done as a younger man.

Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart attack. An ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic administered CPR to keep blood and oxygen flowing. At the hospital, Dad was rushed into an operating room. He was lucky; he survived.

But something inside Dad died. His zest for life was gone. He obstinately refused to follow doctor's orders. Suggestions and offers of help were turned aside with sarcasm and insults. The number of visitors thinned, then finally stopped altogether. Dad was left alone.

My husband, Dick, and I asked Dad to come live with us on our small farm. We hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help him adjust. Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the invitation. It seemed nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything I did. I became frustrated and moody. Soon I was taking my pent-up anger out on Dick. We began to bicker and argue. Alarmed, Dick sought out our pastor and explained the situation. The clergyman set up weekly counseling appointments for us. At the close of each session he prayed, asking God to soothe Dad's troubled mind. But the months wore on and God was silent. Something had to be done and it was up to me to do it.

The next day I sat down with the phone book and methodically called each of the mental health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I explained my problem to each of the sympathetic voices that answered. In vain. Just when I was giving up hope, one of the voices suddenly exclaimed, "I just read something that might help you! Let me go get the article." I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at a nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic depression. Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were given responsibility for a dog.

I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each contained five to seven dogs.. Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black dogs, spotted dogsall jumped up, trying to reach me. I studied each one but rejected one after the other for various reasons too big, too small, too much hair. As I neared the last pen a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the run and sat down. It was a pointer, one of the dog world's aristocrats. But this was a caricature of the breed. Years had etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray. His hipbones jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it was his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and clear, they beheld me unwaveringly.

I pointed to the dog. "Can you tell me about him?" The officer looked, then shook his head in puzzlement.

"He's a funny one. Appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the gate. We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to claim him. That was two weeks ago and we've heard nothing. His time is up tomorrow." He gestured helplessly.

As the words sank in I turned to the man in horror. "You mean you're going to kill him?"

"Ma'am," he said gently, "that's our policy. We don't have room for every unclaimed dog."

I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision. "I'll take him," I said.

I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me. When I reached the house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out of the car when Dad shuffled onto the front porch.

"Ta-da! Look what I got for you, Dad!" I said excitedly.

Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. "If I had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better specimen than that bag of bones. Keep it! I don't want it" Dad waved his arm scornfully and turned back toward the house.

Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and pounded into my temples.

"You'd better get used to him, Dad. He's staying!" Dad ignored me. "Did you hear me, Dad?" I screamed. At those words Dad whirled angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes narrowed and blazing with hate.

We stood glaring at each other like duelists, when suddenly the pointer pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad and sat down in front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw.

Dad's lower jaw trembled as he stared at the uplifted paw. Confusion replaced the anger in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently. Then Dad was on his knees hugging the animal.

It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship. Dad named the pointer Cheyenne. Together he and Cheyenne explored the community. They spent long hours walking down dusty lanes. They spent reflective moments on the banks of streams, angling for tasty trout. They even
started to attend Sunday services together, Dad sitting in a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at his feet.

Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the next three years. Dad's bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne made many friends. Then late one night I was startled to feel Cheyenne's cold nose burrowing through our bed covers. He had never before come into our bedroom at night. I woke Dick, put on my robe and ran into my father's room. Dad lay in his bed, his face serene. But his spirit had left quietly sometime during the night.

Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne lying dead beside Dad's bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he had slept on. As Dick and I buried him near a favorite fishing hole, I silently thanked the dog for the help he had given me in restoring Dad's peace of mind.

The morning of Dad's funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day looks like the way I feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to the pews reserved for family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and Cheyenne had made filling the church. The pastor began his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad and the dog who had changed his life. And then the pastor turned to Hebrews 13:2. "Be not forgetful to entertain strangers."

"I've often thanked God for sending that angel," he said.

For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle that I had not seen before: the sympathetic voice that had just read the right article...

Cheyenne's unexpected appearance at the animal shelter. . .his calm acceptance and complete devotion to my father. . .and the proximity of their deaths. And suddenly I understood. I knew that God had answered my prayers after all.
Life is too short for drama & petty things, so laugh hard,
love truly and forgive quickly.
Live While You Are Alive.
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every
opportunity.
Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a
second time.

And if you don't send this to at least 4 people - who cares?
But do share this with someone. Lost time can never be found..

 

[moreluck]

How To Give A Cat/Dog a Pill..........



----- How To Give A Cat A Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as
if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently Apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy
pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand, force jaws open and
push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to
hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink
1 beer to take taste away. Apply
Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with
cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put
cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek
to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new
one from bedroom.

12.. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving
to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into
mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold
head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.


14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.




And now, How To Give A Dog A Pill:



1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it into the air

 

[Big Babooba]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.. He
goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke
down.. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his
car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a
sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks
the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because
you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his
merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the
same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had
heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a
monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades
of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find
these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns
and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the
earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you
had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now
considered a monk .

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the
sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I
have the key ?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man
requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made
of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind
that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went
on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the
knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that
strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
















.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

 

[moreluck]

SHOPPING TRIP

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced 50 percent. Then her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in a critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible.​

When she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to look in just two or three more before heading to the hospital.​

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.​

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it's likely to be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!'​

The woman felt so guilty she broke down and sobbed.​

The lady doctor then laughed and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought!'​

​

​

 

[Catatonic]

SHOPPING TRIP

The lady doctor then laughed and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought!'​

I always suspected this (as I glare at my wife "she" demon).

 

[Catatonic]

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual
information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew
take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'

 

[moreluck]

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked 'What might ye be sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling *****-holes.' Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'You are doing very well... only two left!'

Englishmen should not mess with the Irish.

 

[moreluck]

Did you know?


Did You Know that the words race car spelled backward says race car?

Did you know that 'eat' is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last , it spells it's past tense, 'ate'?

And.....Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in 'illegal immigrants' and add a few more letters, it spells out;
"**** Off and go home, you free-loading, benefit
grabbing, kid producing, violent, non- English speaking c**ksuckers and those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat ****ing, smelly rag-head bastards with you".

How weird is that ??

 

[moreluck]

Advice Please​

The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.
All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.
"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.
"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"

 

[moreluck]

While I was making a huge batch of snickerdoodle cookies, I asked my ten-year-old son to read the recipe and ingredients off the box to me, doubling them as he went along. He did as he was told.

His first instruction: "Preheat the oven to 700 degrees."

 

[moreluck]

Job Interview Comments........

Why did you leave your last job?
"I have a problem with authority." - Carrie Rocha, chief operating officer, HousingLink

Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it
"The resolution was we were both fired." - Jason Shindler, CEO, Curvine Web Solutions

What kind of computer software have you used?
"Computers? Are those the black boxes that sit on the floor next to the desks? My boss has one of those. He uses it. I don't have one. He just gives me my schedule and I follow it." - Greg Szymanski, director of human resources, Geonerco Management Inc.

What are your hobbies and interests?
"[He said] 'Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying.' Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, 'I particularly like blondes.'" - Petri R.J. Darby, president, darbyDarnit Public Relations

Why should we hire you?
"I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time." - Bill McGowan, founder, Clarity Media Group

Do you have any questions?
"Cross-dressing isn't a problem is it?" - Barry Maher, Barry Maher & Associates

"What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it's raining? Can you pick me up?" - Christine Pechstein, career coach

"I was a chamber of commerce executive once hiring a secretary. [The candidate asked] 'What does a chamber of commerce do?'" - Mary Kurek, Mary Kurek Inc. Visibility Consulting

"Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go." - Bruce Campbell, vice president of marketing, Clare Computer Solutions

"What is your company's policy on Monday absences?" - Campbell

"If this doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?" - Christine Bolzan, founder of Graduate Career Coaching

"How big do the bonuses really get once you make associate? I hear it's some serious cash." - Bolzan

"[The candidate asked,] 'Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I'm not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.' The dad did call. Then that dad's friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents ... long story." - Bolzan

"If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?" - Bolzan

"When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?" - Bolzan

"Can I get a tour of the breast pumping room? I heard you have a great one here and while I don't plan on having children for at least 10 or 12 years, I will definitely breast-feed and would want to use that room."- Bolzan

Why are you leaving your current job?
"Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building." - Abbe Mortimore, human resources manager, True Textiles Inc.
"I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes." - Smith

Why are you looking for a job?
"Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job." - Pechstein
"My parents told me I need to get a job so that is why I'm here." - McGowan

Why do you want to work for us?
"Just for the benefits." - Jennifer Juergens, JJ Communications
"My old boss didn't like me, so one day, I just left and never came back. And here I am!" - Matt Cowall, communications manager, Appia Communications
"I saw the job posted on Twitter and thought, why not?" - Rebecca Gertsmark Oren, communications director at The Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity

What are your assets? (as in strengths)
"Well, I do own a bike." - Pam Venné, principal, The Venné Group

What are your weaknesses?
"I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you." - Pechstein
"I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning." - Linda Yaffe, certified executive coach
"I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job." - Deb Bailey, owner, Power Women Magazine & Radio Show
"I'm really not a big learner. You know ... some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that's just not me. I'd much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn't change a lot." - Michaele Charles, Voice Communications

When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
"Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that." - Rachel Croce

Is there anything else I should know about you?
"You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends." -- Venné
When can you start?
"I need to check with my mom on that one." - Bolzan

Use three adjectives to describe yourself
"I hate questions like this." - Katrina Meistering

Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
"I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement." - Meistering

Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
"What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired." - Meistering

Random responses
"One guy [said] 'it would probably be best' if I didn't run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement." - Charles
"[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport." - Sandra L. Flippo, SPHR
"I went into the lobby to pick up a candidate. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! [He said] 'Oh, my gosh -- they told me I needed a suit for the interview. I've got no money -- so I borrowed this thing. It's too big!'" - Beth Ross, executive and career coach
"Wow -- I'm not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?" - Bolzan
"May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night." - Smith
(During a telephone call to schedule the interview) "Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated." - Smith
"[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, 'Well, I don't like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn't put that school above the others.'" - Darby

 

[moreluck]

Feline Physics .......

Law of Cat Inertia - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food.

Law of Cat Magnetism - All clothes attract cat hair of opposite color in direct proportion to the importance of the occasion for which you are dressing. If you do not own a cat with the requisite hair color, this law will still, somehow, apply.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching - A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

 

[moreluck]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now.....and I'm looking for a girl with huge 'sweater puppies'.

 

[moreluck]

How To Be Unhappy..............

**Make little things bother you. Don't just let them, MAKE them.

**Lose your perspective on things and keep it lost: don't put first things first.

**Get yourself a good worry, one about which you cannot do anything.

**Be a perfectionist, which means not that you work hard to do your best, but that you condemn yourself and others for not achieving perfection.

**Be right. Be always right. Be the only one who is always right, and be rigid in your rightness.

**Don't trust or believe people, or accept them at anything but their worst and weakest.

**Be suspicious. Insist that others always have hidden motives.

**Always compare yourself unfavorably to others. This guarantees instant misery.

**Take personally everything that happens to you.

**Don't give yourself whole-heartily to anyone or anything.

 

[moreluck]

What do you call a blonde with a leather jacket ??

A rebel without a clue.

 

[moreluck]

SCENTED CANDLES FOR MEN

*'62 Chevy truck - Interior and Exhaust

*Gunpowder

*Wet Dog (only if it's your own dog)

*Frying Bacon (actually, a lot of different fried foods)

*Wood Smoke

*Chainsaw Exhaust

*Freshly Caught Bass

*Foot Locker

*Fresh Cow Pie (especially if it's your own cows)

*Ozone (arc welder, of course)

*Acetlyene

*Freshly Moved Dirt

*Diesel Engine Exhaust

*Rubbing Alcohol

*Sale Barn

*Silage

*Sawdust

*New Tires

*Hot Metal

*3 Year Old Cap

*Petroleum Products:

Gasoline

Diesel

Kerosene

Drip Gas

Propane

*Quail Guts (shoot, ANY guts!)

*Ammonia Fertilizer (light, of course)

*Burning Grass or Leaves (not that 'pot' dope, either!)

*Napalm (I've never smelled it but my brother has)

*Alfalfa

*Firecrackers

*Latex Paint

 

[moreluck]

Wasp Spray

I have a friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area who was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead. The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray they have to get too close to you and could overpower you. The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn't attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection. You could also keep it in your car and it would be legal. I Thought this was interesting and it might be of use to lots of ladies... Pass it on ....

 

[moreluck]

Know Your Hymns ???
>
> Dentist's Hymn ................................... I will wear a Crown
> Weatherman's Hymn ......................... Showers of Blessings
> Contractor's Hymn .......................... I'm Building a Home
> The Tailor's Hymn .......................... Holy, Holy, Holy
> The Plumber 's Hymn ....................... There's a leak in this Old Building
> The Golfer's Hymn.............................. There's a Green Hill Far Away
> The Politician's Hymn ...................... Standing on the Promises
> Optometrist's Hymn ......................... Open My Eyes That I Might See
> The IRS Agent's Hymn . I Surrender All
> The Policeman's Hymn . Jesus is My Rock, My Sword, and Shield
> The Gossip's Hymn .......................... Pass It On
> The Single Women's Hymn .............. Amen....Amen.....Amen
> The Electrician's Hymn ...................... This Little Light of Mine
> The Florist's Hymn . There's a Lily in the Valley
> The Shopper's Hymn ....................... Sweet Bye and Bye
> The Realtor' s Hymn ......................... I've got New Home, Over in Zion
> The Massage Therapists Hymn ....... He Touched Me
> The Doctor's Hymn ............................... Come On In the Room- Jesus is All My Prescriptions
>
> AND for those who speed on the highway here are a few more hymns:
> 45mph ........................... God Will Take Care of You
> 65mph ........................... Nearer My God To Thee
> 85mph ........................... This World Is Not My Home
> 95mph .......................... Lord, I'm Coming Home
> 100mph ........................... Precious Memories
>

 

[moreluck]

Redneck Church..........

You Know You're Church Is A Redneck Church...

IF the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

IF people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

WHEN the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,"
five guys and two women stand up.

IF opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

IF a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

IF the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

WHEN in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

IF Baptism is referred to as "branding".

IF high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

IF people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

IF the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

IF the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

IF the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

IF instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

IF the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

IF the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Strawberry Hill".

IF "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

IF the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear"