Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor
> columnist for the Miami Herald.
>
> Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal:
>
> I called my friend Andy Sable, a
> gastroenterologist, to make an appointment
> for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office,
> Andy showed me a colored diagram of the colon,
> a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place,
> at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then
> Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
> reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully,
> but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain
> was shrieking,quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE
> 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
>
> I left Andy's office with some written
> instructions, and a prescription for
> a product called MoviPrep, which comes in a box
> large enough to hold a microwave oven.
> I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to
> say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands
> of America's enemies.
>
> I spent the next several days product ively sitting
> around being nervous.
> Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
> preparation. In accordance with my instructions,
> I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
> chicken broth, which is basically water, only with
> less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.
> You mix two packets of powder together in a
> one-liter plastic jug,and then you fill it with
> lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system,
> a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to
> drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
> because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind -
> like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just
> the slightest hint of lemon.
>
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by
> somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after
> you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may
> result.' This is kind of like saying that after you
> jump off your roof, you may experience contact
> with the ground.
>
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be
> too=2
0graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a
> space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
> experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are
> times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
> You spend several hours pretty much confined to the
> bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.
> And then, when you figure you must be totally empty,
> you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at
> which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels
> travel into the future and start eliminating food
> that you have not even eaten yet.
>
> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to
> sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.
> I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about
> the procedure, but I had been experiencing
> occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
> I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'
> How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
> Mere flowers and chocolates would not be enough.
>
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging
> that I understood and> totally agreed with whatever the heck
> the forms said. Then they led me to a
> room full of20other colonoscopy people, where I went
> inside a little curtained space and took off all my clothes
> and put on one of those hospital garments
> designed by sadist perverts - the kind that, when
> you put it on, it makes you feel even more defenseless
> than when you were actually unclad.
>
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a
> vein in my left hand.
> Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very
> good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me
> that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first
> I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this,
> but then I pondered what would happen if you got
> your self too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, and you
> were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You
> would have had no choice but to burn your house.
>
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into
> the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a
> nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
> 17,000-foot tube,but I knew Andy had it hidden
> around there somewhere. I was seriously tense by this point.
> Andy had me rollC2over on my left side, and the
> anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the
> needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room,
> and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen'
> by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs
> that could be playing during this particular procedure,
> this one had to be the least ap
propriate.
>
> 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
> somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said.
> And then it was time, the moment I had been
> dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish,
> prepare yourself,because I am going to tell
> you,in explicit detail,exactly what it was like.
>
> I have no idea! Really. I slept through it. One
> moment, Abba was shrieking
> 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine'
> and the next moment, I was back in the other room,
> waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking
> down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
> excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy
> told me that it was all over, and that my colon
> had passed with flying colors. I have never been
> more proud of an internal organ.
> ( I would say 'Cheers', but somehow the expression
> 'Up Yours' has a more appropriate ring to it.
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