Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Dumb Blonde

A dumb blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"OH, NO!" exclaimed the blonde.
But Saint Peter said not to worry, because he would make it an easy test. "Who was God's son?" asked Saint Peter.
The dumb blonde thought for a few minutes and replied, "Andy."
"Andy? That's interesting. What made you say that?" inquired Saint Peter.
Then the blonde started to sing, "Andy walks with me. Andy talks with me. Andy tells me..."​

 

[moreluck]

Thoughts from Jack Handy..........

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and think of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.


If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me.".

 

[moreluck]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey! You're a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Kevin?"

 

[moreluck]

A good looking man walks into a single's bar, gets a drink and takes a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with 2 of the most beautiful women.

Disheartened by all this, the good-looking man asks the barman, "Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those 2 stunning women. He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but I haven't been able to connect all night. What's going on?"

"Well", says the barman, "I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink and just sits there licking his eyebrows."

 

[moreluck]

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!! There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents! Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! No where was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape & nbsp;decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. cause that's how we rolled dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.

Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards, The over 30 Crowd

 

[moreluck]

INDICATORS THAT YOU HAVE TOO MUCH ZUCCHINI:

Your neighbor finds them every morning in his mailbox.

You are eating it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, snacks too.

You have a flute made out of a zucchini.

The stores pay you to take some off their shelves.

Even the field mice stop eating it.

You till under the zucchini plants, but still have more today than you had yesterday.

Nightmares about a giant zucchini wakes you in the night.

Your kids are using it for building blocks.

You spray your zucchini plants with sugar water to attract insects. But, they won't bite.

 

[moreluck]

Gift........
As soon as she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a gorgeous diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know the answer to that tonight," replied the husband. That evening, when the husband came home, he handed his wife a small gift-wrapped package. Delighted, she excitedly opened it, only to find a book entitled, The Meaning of Dreams.

 

[Big Babooba]

Finally...overalls that fit!








Just ask for the " Tennessee Cut!"





A brand new edition of...
'You know you're a redneck when......



1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
6. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
7. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
11. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
12. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
13. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
14. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
16. You have a rag for a gas cap.
17. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
18. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
19. You can spit without opening your mouth.
20. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
21. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
22. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
23. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal Mart????
24. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
25. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
26. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
27. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
28. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
29. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

 

[Big Babooba]

There has been some confusion about the medical and psychological distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the Guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the courage to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the Guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the courage to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.



Medically, speaking there is no difference in the outcome - Both result in death.

 

[moreluck]

"Lizard Birth"

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed..

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked
"
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass..

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . ..
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

 

[moreluck]

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?



A crazy b!tch who will find you!

 

[moreluck]

You Might Be a Taliban if.....


...You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to
beer.

...You own a $700 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.

...You have more wives than teeth.

...You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in
your clothing.

...You've felt the urge to 'rub one out' after seeing a woman's exposed
ankle.

...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.

...You've ever uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your
cave.'

...You wipe your arse with your bare left hand, but consider bacon
'unclean.'

 

[moreluck]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

[moreluck]

A Well-Planned Retirement





Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parkinglot

for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its

parking fees were managed bya very pleasant

attendant. The fees were 1Ls for cars ($1.40),

5Ls for busses (about $7).




Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing

a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo

Management called the City Council and asked it

to send them another parking agent.




The Council did some research and replied that the

parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was

a City employee. The City Council responded that
the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll .




Meanwile, sitting in his villa on the coast of Spain

is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine
installed completely on his own; and then had simply
begun to show up every day, commencing to collect
and keep the parking fees, estimated at about

$560 per day -- for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a
week, this amounts tojust over $7 million dollars!


.....And no one even knows his name.

 

[moreluck]

A Century

What a difference a century makes. In 1909, one hundred years ago, sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo. The five leading causes of death in the United States were pneumonia and influenza, tuberculosis, diarrhea, heart disease, and stroke. The American flag has 45 stars. There were 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads, and the maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

 

[moreluck]

THINGS THAT DRIVE ME NUTS.........

People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". What good is a cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say, "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that!?!?" No, I paid $10.00 to come to the theater and stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know, you pulled me over!

When people say, "Life is short." What the heck?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer?

When people ask, "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one piece of paper!

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks you, "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here!

 

[moreluck]

Sex Researcher............

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the man, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the man, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

 

[moreluck]

CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and
scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull.
But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and
it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to
reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks
or my exhaust backfires.
CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY!!!! How about You????

 

[moreluck]

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry,I can't serve you here unless you are wearing a tie."

The man says, "OK, I'll be right back", and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, "How's this?"

The bartender replies, "Well OK, but don't start anything." (groan)

 

[moreluck]

Burma Shave signs.

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's &,50's Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.
T hey were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

Here are more of the actual signs:

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
BURMA SHAVE

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave