Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Things​

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drinking:
Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drinking:
Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drinking:
Nope, no more beer for me;
Sorry, but you're not really my type;
Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't--no one wants to hear me sing!

 

[moreluck]

ATLANTA AIRPORT -
You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others.. Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE.. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "

 

[moreluck]

The A**Hole Bill of Rights​

As an A**Hole, I proclaim the following:

1. I will live my life the way I deem fit, screw political correctness.

1. 
   [*]I have the right to choose my religious path if I choose one at all. Christianity be damned.
   
   [*]If I want to eat a cow, I will eat a cow.
   
   [*]I have the right to hang up on telemarketers midsentence and not have to worry about whether or not I was polite.
   
   [*]If I think someone's an idiot, I will tell them they're an idiot.
   
   [*]I have the right to tell children that their parents aren't raising them correctly. (Think of how many times you've been at a supermarket and heard a screaming child the entire time...what exactly would you want to say that'd be any nicer?)
   
   [*]If you don't know what you're talking about, shut the hell up.
   
   [*]You may have the right to speak, but I don't have to listen to you.
   
   [*]If I want to be rude, loud, and obnoxious, it's a free country.
   
   [*]If I want to go to a bar, destroy my liver with alcohol, clog my arteries with junk, and have unsafe sex with the woman/man I just met, I ought to be able to smoke while I'm at it.
   
   [*]I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can go to Jenny Craig.
   
   [*]Jerry Springer for President!!!!!!!
   
   [*]Denis Leary should be proclaimed God and given reign over society.
   
   [*]Your daughter just got drunk at a party, made a slut of herself, and you're worried about my religious beliefs?
   
   [*]Before you tell me how to run my life, be certain that your own is squeaky clean.
   
   [*]Just because you work at McDonald's doesn't mean you have an excuse to have an I.Q. under twelve.
   
   [*](Courtesy of George Carlin) Just because you're a student does not mean that you're any more enlightened than someone that works at Blockbuster.
   
   [*]Speaking of Blockbuster, if I return the tape, you do not have to actually sue me for $15!!
   
   [*]If you're stupid enough to give me credit, deal with the consequences.
   
   [*]It's ignorant to charge someone $25 if they bounce a check for $5. (If I didn't have the $5, what makes you think I'm going to have $25 you retards!!)
   
   [*]If you don't like the way I drive then at the next red light get out from under my car.
   
   [*]If your dog or cat is so smart, then why do you talk to it like it's a newborn baby?
   
   [*]If I shoot you while you're committing a crime, and you try to sue me for it, I'll shoot you again.
   
   [*]Courtesy of Ben Franklin: Anyone who would give up freedoms and liberties for temporary security deserves neither freedom or security.
   
   [*]If you live in Tornado Alley, don't whine when you get hit by a tornado.

 

[moreluck]

Hillbilly Herman......

Hillbilly Herman was drafted, and on his first day as an enlisted man he was given a comb; the next day the army barber sheared off his hair. On the third day he was given a toothbrush, the next day the army dentist yanked several of his teeth. On the fifth day he was given a jockstrap; that afternoon Herman went AWOL.

 

[moreluck]

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of
Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons
life taught me."


1. Life isn't fair, but
it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just
take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to
waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take
care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents
will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit
cards every month.

6. You don't have to
win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone.
It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry
with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement
starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to
chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with
your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your
children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your
life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all
about.

14. If a relationship
has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can
change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never
blinks.

16. Take a deep breath.
It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything
that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't
kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late
to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you
and no one else.

20. When it comes to
going after what you love in life, don't take no for an
answer.

21. Burn the candles,
use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it
for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then
go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now.
Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important
sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge
of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every
so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will
this matter?'

27. Always choose
life.

28. Forgive everyone
everything.

29. What other people
think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost
everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad
a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself
so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in
miracles.

34. God loves you
because of who God is, not because of anything you did or
didn't do.

35. Don't audit life.
Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats
the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get
only one childhood.

38. All that truly
matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every
day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our
problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab
ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of
time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to
come.

43. No matter how you
feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied
with a bow, but it's still a gift."

 

[moreluck]

The Horse and Chicken

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the
chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the
chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his
friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best
Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse
thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking
underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he could
then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse
pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral!)


"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

 

[moreluck]

Here is a listing of automobile manufacturers and alternatively affectionate names for the same. Please don't be offended if your preference is listed - mine is too!

AUDI

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW

Big Money Works

BUICK

Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET

Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology

DODGE

Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express

FIAT

Failure in Italian Automotive Technology; Fix It All the Time Fix it again, Tony

FORD

First On Recall Day

GM

General Maintenance

GMC

Garage Man's Companion

HONDA

Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI

Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive

MAZDA

Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE

Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere

PINTO

Put in New Transmission Often

PONTIAC

Poor old Neanderthal Thinks it's a Cadillac

SAAB

Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown

TOYOTA

Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO

Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW

Virtually Worthless

 

[moreluck]

Genetics.......
In lectures on human genetics, I explained to my college students that males determine the sex of the offspring by contributing either an X or a Y chromosome. So at the end of the year, I put it on the final exam: "How is the sex of the child determined?" One student wrote, "By examining it at birth."

 

[moreluck]

Silly Books by Famous Authors

• The Broken Window by Eva Brick
• The Cliff Tragedy by Eileen Dover
• French Windows by Pattie O'Dors
• Forestry by Teresa Green
• Olympic Games by Arthur Letics
• How to Make Honey by B. Keeper
• Easy Money by Robyn Banks
• Gunfire by R. Tillery
• Long Walk by Miss D. Buss
• The Dogs' Dinner by Nora Bone
• A Hole in My Bucket by Lee King
• Falling Trees by Tim Burr
• How to Win by Vic Tree
• I Love Maths by Adam Upp and Ima Adder
• Snakes of the World by Anna Conda
• Natural Bust Enlargement by Mine Power

• Overpopulation in France by Frances Crowded
• The World's Flood Plains by Noah Zark
• Sound as a Bell by Drop Clanger
• Why I Like Fish by Anne Chovie
• The Empty Biscuit Tin by Arthur Anymore
• Interior Decorating by Kurt N. Rodd
• Poisonous Plants by Dudley Nightshade
• Dockyards in Britain by Steve Dore
• How to Look Younger by Fay Sliftt
• Mexican Food by Monty Suma

 

[moreluck]

Jokes About Men


Q. What do you call a man with half a brain?
A. Gifted.

Q. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Bonds Mature.

Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

A. What did God say after creating man?
Q. I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

Q. What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A. A man's undivided attention.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

Q. How is a man like a snowstorm?
A. Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

Q. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
A. He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Q. Why are men like laxatives?
A. They irritate the crap out of you.

Q. What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A. A tourist.

Q. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
A. To keep them from grazing.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Q. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
A. He had it bronzed.

Q. Why do men like masturbation?
A. Its sex with someone they love.

Q. What is gross stupidity?
A. 144 men in one room.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

A. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
Q. The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
A. Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.

Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Only a man would buy a £500 car and put a £4000 stereo in it.

Q. Why did God create man?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "How sad - a dead bird”. The other man looked up and said, "Where?"

 

[moreluck]

Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."

"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is your first name?"

"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."

 

[Big Babooba]

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!

 

[moreluck]

P.C. in the NFL

The National Football League recently announced a new era. From now on, no offensive team names will be permitted. While the owners of the teams rush to change uniforms and such, the National Football League announced, yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the upcoming season:

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day.

Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People.

The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.

The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9.

And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.

Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.

 

[moreluck]

Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than


Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex...........


1. You can GET chocolate.

2. 'If you love me you'll swallow' has real meaning with chocolate

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want to.

6. You can have chocolate in front of your mother.

7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. The word 'commitment' doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench or desk during working hours
without upsetting your co-workers.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can find.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

 

[Big Babooba]

Old is just Old - Old is not Dumb!

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he couldout-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said.. 'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.'

'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.'

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, , get in.'

Never mess with old people!

 

[moreluck]

Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."

The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."

Farmer Gossman comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

The vet says, "What happened?"

Farmer Gossman says, "The horse blew first."

 

[moreluck]

What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion ?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What's an accordion good for ?
Learning how to fold a map.

What do you call a group of Topless female accordion players ?
Ladies in Pain

 

[moreluck]

*GRIT (Girls Raised In Texas )*


Someone once noted that a Texan can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a 6-lane highway."

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a Texas accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to Texas a couple of years ago.

"Can you believe it?" said her friend, "A child of mine is going to be
"taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."

Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships, and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!

I have a friend from Bawston, bless her heart, who thinks it's hilarious
when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is, or what "I reckon" means!

My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she cain't help being ugly, but she could'uh stayed home."

Texas girls know bad manners when they see them:
1. Drinking straight out of a can.
2. Not sending thank you notes.
3. Velvet after February.
4. White shoes before Memorial Day or after Labor Day.

Texas girls always say:
1. "Yes Maam."
2. "Yessir..."

Texas girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
1. "Yawl come back."
2. "Well, bless yer harrt."
3. "Drop by when ya can."
4. "How's yer mama?"
5. "Love yer hair.."

Texas girls know their three R's:
1. Rich
2. Richer
3. Richest

Texas girls know everybody's first name:
1. Hunny
2. Darlin'
3. Shuger

Texas girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
1. "Gone With the Wind"
2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"
3. "Driving Miss Daisy"
4. "Steel Magnolias"

Texas girls know the three deadly sins:
1. Bad hair
2. Bad manners
3. Bad blind dates

G.R.I.T. = Girls Raised in Texas !

Now you run along, Shuger, and send this to ANY females aspiring to be GRITS--Even the northern ones, "Bless Their Hearts". and send it on to men who think Texas women are precious.

Just because you move to Texas does not make you a Texan. After all, if a cat had kittens and moved them to the oven, that wouldn't make them biscuits."

 

[Big Babooba]

Robot Bartender



A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He return ed and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out "Uh..... Bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e? Y-o-u? H-a-p-p-y? W-I-t-h O-B-A-M-A?????

 

[moreluck]

The Organist.......

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on your breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said: "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."