Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

LETTERS TO A PASTOR.........

**Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

**Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

**Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson

**Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

**Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

**Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

**Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

**Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

**Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

**Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

**Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

**Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

**Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

**Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

**Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

 

[moreluck]

Robot Bartender



A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He return ed and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out "Uh..... Bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e? Y-o-u? H-a-p-p-y? W-I-t-h O-B-A-M-A?????

 

[moreluck]

Brain Droppings.....

"EVERYTHING COMES IN THREES" - Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

"YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU (when you die)" - Well..., that depends on what it is. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.

"YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY" - Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it, doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this.

"NICE GUYS FINISH LAST" - Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.

 

[Catatonic]

Two dwarfs

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two "working girls" and
take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however,is
unable to get an erection.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he
hears his friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again! ONE, TWO,
THREE UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!"
"Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" ....... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The
first mutters, "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I
couldn't get on the bed."

 

[moreluck]

Hoaxter.....that one made me laugh out loud !!! Not many do that to me anymore, because I've heard & read so many jokes. Good one !!

 

[moreluck]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside an
Arizona immigration office.

'Good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and
told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United
States with your wife and eight children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good
teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he
had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three
car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family
and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to
bring them all over here . .. . and -- PING ! -- in the distance there
could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long
driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood
overlooking the bay.

'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.

'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American
clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of
this sombrero . And I want to have white skin like Americans . . and --
PING ! -- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore
Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the
mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'



THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .

NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . . . . . .


The fairy said 'Tough teabags, Amigo, Now that you are a White American,
you have to fend for yourself.'

 

[moreluck]

WORDS OF GREAT WISDOM (The Native American Code Of Ethics)

1. Rise with the sun to pray. Pray alone. Pray often. The Great Spirit will listen, if you only speak.

2. Be tolerant of those who are lost on their path. Ignorance, conceit, anger, jealousy and greed stem from a lost soul. Pray that they will find guidance.

3. Search for yourself, by yourself. Do not allow others to make your path for you. It is your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.

4. Treat the guests in your home with much consideration. Serve them the best food, give them the best bed and treat them with respect and honor.

5. Do not take what is not yours whether from a person, a community, the wilderness or from a culture. If it was not earned or given, it is not yours.

6. Respect all things that are placed upon this earth - whether it be people or plant.

7. Honor other people's thoughts, wishes and words. Never interrupt another or mock or rudely mimic them. Allow each person the right to personal expression.

8. Never speak of others in a bad way. The negative energy that you put out into the universe will multiply when it returns to you.

9. All persons make mistakes. And all mistakes can be forgiven.

10. Bad thoughts cause illness of the mind, body and spirit. Practice optimism.

11. Nature is not FOR us, it is a PART of us. They are part of your worldly family.

12. Children are the seeds of our future. Plant love in their hearts and water them with wisdom and life's lessons. When they are grown, give them space to grow.

13. Avoid hurting the hearts of others. The poison of your pain will return to you.

14. Be truthful at all times. Honesty is the test of ones will within this universe.

15. Keep yourself balanced. Your Mental self, Spiritual self, Emotional self, and Physical self - all need to be strong, pure and healthy. Work out the body to strengthen the mind. Grow rich in spirit to cure emotional ails.

16. Make conscious decisions as to who you will be and how you will react. Be responsible for your own actions.

17. Respect the privacy and personal space of others. Do not touch the personal property of others - especially sacred and religious objects. This is forbidden.

18. Be true to yourself first. You cannot nurture and help others if you cannot nurture and help yourself first.

19. Respect others religious beliefs. Do not force your belief on others.

20. Share your good fortune with others. Participate in charity.

 

[moreluck]

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different...
Two Different Versions! .
Two Different Morals!


OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and
plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!


MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed
while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering
grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a
table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries
when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news
stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Rev. Jeremiah
Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's
sake.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that
the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call
for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green
bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is
confiscated by the Government Green Czar.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of
the ants food while the government house he is in, which just happens to
be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain
it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house,
now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once
peaceful neighborhood.



MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.

 

[moreluck]

Bosses Night Dinner....
At an annual Bosses Night dinner in Helena, Montana, where legal secretaries sponsored their lawyer bosses, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates."

"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there goes the rest of us!"

 

[moreluck]

The Cynic's Guide to Life​

• Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
• Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
• If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
• If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
• When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
• It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
• Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is".
• Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
• Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
• When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
• This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
• It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
• Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
• This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
• Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.

 

[moreluck]

If A Dog Were Your Teacher !


You would learn stuff like...

• 
  
  
  • When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
  • Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
  • Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
  • When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
  • Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
  • Take naps and stretch before rising.
  • Run, romp, and play daily.
  • Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
  • Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
  • On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
  • On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
  • When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
  • No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout - run right back and make friends.
  • Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
  • Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
  • Be loyal.
  • Never pretend to be something you're not.
  • If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
  • And MOST of all...
  • When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Author unknown

 

[moreluck]

Subject: HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack
Obama?'

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi

In God We Trust

 

[moreluck]

DIETER'S PSALM...............

Strict is my diet. I must not want.

It maketh me to lie down at night hungry.

It leadeth me past the confectioners.

It trieth my willpower.

It leadeth me in the paths of alteration for my figure's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the aisles of the pastry department,

I will buy no sweetrolls for they are fattening.

The cakes and the pies, they tempt me.

Before me is a table set with green beans and lettuce.

I filleth my stomach with liquids,

My day's quota runneth over.

Surely calorie and weight charts will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the fear of scales forever.

 

[moreluck]

On my way to a picnic, I stopped at a fast-food place to order a quart of potato salad. "We don't sell it by the quart," the clerk snapped. "Okay, then give me two pints, please," I replied.

I'm proud to say I held my tongue when she asked, "Do you want it in one container?"

 

[cachsux]

Mickey Mouse is in court standing before the judge. The judge says "I won`t be able to grant you your divorce. I have found no evidence of her insanity."

Mickey replies " I didn`t say she was insane,I said she was friend-ing Goofy!."



And for Dilli
Why is a gun better than a wife? Because you can put a silencer on a gun.

 

[moreluck]

POSITION:

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop


JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.


RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life.

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap plastic toys and battery-operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.


POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

If you are lucky, you may be promoted to the position of Grandparent. Of course, you must still retain and fulfill all the responsibilities of Parent while assuming the new title and job responsibilities of Grandparent.


PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.


WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this! You pay them!

Offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.


BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options are offered.

 

[moreluck]

Golf.........

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."

The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare the caddy under estimate his game.

So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one long putt..."

 

[moreluck]

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural- history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: His
& Hers Diaries







HER DIARY


Tonight, I thought
my husband was acting weird.. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have
a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he
was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on
it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I
asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it
was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way
home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love
you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly,
and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally,
with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes
later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we
made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts
were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to
do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My
life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY


My golf game was off today, but at least I
got laid.

 

[Catatonic]

Subject: His
& Hers Diaries


HER DIARY


Tonight, I thought
my husband was acting weird.. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have
a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he
was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on
it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I
asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it
was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way
home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love
you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly,
and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally,
with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes
later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we
made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts
were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to
do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My
life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY

My golf game was off today, but at least I
got laid.

Absolutely hilarious. I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes ... and my wife is looking at me ... probably thinking I am laughing at her!